Tuesday, November 30, 2010

More Nielsen Ratings

Someone as great as Leslie Nielsen is worthy of a bit more indulgence in his career...

A role model for straight-faced comics everywhere.

Monday, November 29, 2010

More Than One Way To Make A Point

"Don't worry, be happy." - Bobby McFerrin

"Don't suffer future pain. Take care of business here and now." - crooked cop from Law & Order: CI

Sunday, November 28, 2010

RIP Leslie Nielsen

In memory of our dearly departed comic friend Leslie Nielsen... one of his all-time great lines.

Scattergories

The McDonalds tend to play fast and loose with the rules of the game.

Under the letter B.

Things in a park: Big Bullies.
Things that jump/bounce: Unless the entire brood was born invalid, I contend that Bambi's Babies must be accurate.

Under the letter I.

Farm animals: Irritated chickens.

Under the letter E:

Crimes: Eating the Elderly.

A literary debate broke out for the letter O:

Book titles: Old Man and the Ocean.

Likewise, I was overruled under the letter K that "Karate Hour with Jim" was a legit T.V. show, or that "Kettleworms" was an actual type of insect (though for the life of me, I don't know how else worms in a kettle would otherwise be described in conversation).

Moods turned ugly around the table when Mom and Dena agreed that "New Guinea" and "NASA" were tropical places, but not "North Dakota." Ask the scientists at the Arctic Circle!

Fortunately, Jack called in from California right around then. He was able to provide final rulings on several items. Thanksgiving was saved.

Found In A Novelty Magazine

"Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for much, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs."

Megamind

Will Ferrell's voice stars in this animated twist on a superhero tale. It spins the tale of a mostly inept supervillain launched from the same dying planet as his arch enemy (or is it arch hero?) Metro Man (played by Brad Pitt, whose voice sounds different from the way I last remember it). After stunning Metro City and T.V. reporter Roxanne Ritchi (played by Tina Fey) by actually killing Metro Man, Megamind embarks on a melancholy journey of unopposed domination. Despised and unchallenged, he decides to create a new superhero from Metro Man's DNA, which leads to unexpected complications. The bungling and endearing blue evildoer eventually sorts things out as only fairy tales can - the city is spared from destruction, and the hero gets the girl.

Don't pitch in for the 3D version, but give it a try at the theater if you'd like something to accompany dinner and could use a smile. The quaint perspective gives it some fresh character, and it's not as corny as, say, Jerry Seinfeld's Bee Movie of years ago. Evil minions, quirky technological gadgets and just enough pratfalls keep the movie moving along breezily to its conclusion.

High/Low Week 47, 2010

I once missed a wide open layup in a playoff game that ended up being the difference in a loss. That kind of gaffe ties a knot in the gut and temporarily paralyzing sense of helplessness that's salved only by the passage of time. This week was a quaint reminder of that sensation as a simple work deadline established three months ago got missed by a week and was published companywide. That layup occurred about ten years ago. Thankfully this incident will rinse off more quickly now that the antidote is known - chin up, face forward, keep playing hard and good times will roll again.

The poisonous nature of negative thoughts ended up sapping some of the joy out of a properly satisfying experience. Coaching a team to a twenty-five point win is about as good as it gets, but it's easy to get caught up in the slacked second-half defense or the turnovers that kept perfection at bay. In the post-game locker room debriefing I mustered only an assent about a few bad shots rather than adding any number of highlights that had launched our season off to a good start. Fortunately it was a three-game tourney, and I brought the right mix of energy to the remaining games, which was especially useful in the championship game loss.

It was another educational week courtside, as I was employed keeping the shot charts and improved over the weekend in being able to simultaneously study the game while doing so. In wins and losses the team hustled to the end, and role players made key contributions. Losing with grace - such an important life lesson to learn at a young age, and one of the main reasons I got into this gig.

Got some financial affairs in order. I was under the impression that probate court costs of Mom's estate might needlessly consume 5% of its value. Instead it turns out that as long as the assets are relatively simple - bank accounts, mutual funds and a house - then "transfer at death" forms can usually be filled out. In the case of the house, I learned that Mom had placed it into trust with her as trustee, and myself as the successor trustee. With rights of ownership, and sale proceeds distributable equally to Jack and me upon sale, any potential problem seems to have been solved.

The fantasy football team's been rallying recently, now at 6-4 and a game out of the playoffs.

It's nice to have reached a point where I can fairly easily get the heart rate up to 150 beats a minute for a 20-30 minutes at a time on the elliptical machine. As I told someone this week, my cardio goals are almost entirely about heart rate. Target fat-burning zone of 70% of (225 - age) = 130 beats a minute. Not much of an overachiever but am glad to feel like one in this corner of my life!

Thanksgiving. Fifteen years with the Freidingers. A houseful of coaches, athletes, exercisers, investors, increasingly interesting nieces and nephews, and all the food you can eat. The abysmal weather forecasts never quite came true, and the travel conditions to Bloomingdale were ideal. For reasons best left to the pundits to figure out, nowhere do I get better sleep than in my childhood home. With Mom in good spirits and Dena and good health, our threesome celebration is a delightful change-of-pace to the Goodfield bustle for my personality.

December is upon us. Christmas lists are growing, daylight hours are in retreat for only a few more weeks, and the temperatures that hovered below twenty degrees for much of last winter are holding up well enough this deep into the fall. A good time to carry the enthusiasm and grace of this holiday into the next.

NCHS Takes 2 of 3 Over Thanksgiving Weekend

Newton County High School took two out of three games at the Binghamton High School sophomore boys' basketball tournament over the weekend.

The Steelworkers entered the tournament with some untested offensive plays and a laboratory view toward the event, making the result a verifiable success.

The schedule handed them a perfect test subject in their first game against Saltville. The Snackers were literally outmanned, carrying just eight players on their bench.

"We were outheighted at three starting positions," said the NCHS coach.

Indeed, Saltville had two players who were seven feet tall and weighed nearly 170 pounds. Fortunately the proximity to the basket didn't translate into skilled marksmanship, as Newton County jumped out to a 17-4 first quarter lead and cruised to a twenty point victory.

On Saturday the host Binghamton Razorblades played the Steelworkers to a draw for two quarters on the strength of aggressive perimeter rebounding. After some halftime adjustments, the vaunted NCHS defense stifled BHS to just five third quarter points.

The game's two signature moments both occurred at the baseline. In one, a diving Steelworker saved the ball inbounds, flinging it blindly to an open teammate who gunned a three-pointer. Then in the waning minutes, an NCHS player leaped for the ball, whirled mid-air and attempted to fire the ball off of an opponent. Instead he hit the referee squarely in the groin. He crumpled to the ground as if shot by a high-powered rifle, as the gym echoed with the twin noises of the official's anguished wail and the gasp of two hundered people trying desperately to hold back laughter.

The championship game played a few hours later left Newton County with the feeling of a blindfolded hunter carrying a B.B. gun while chased by wolves. More literally, they succumbed to the Wildebeasts of Newton County East by fifteen points. Primarily the Workers were undone by a coaching blunder, as the message to "hit the boards and get to the rim" was uttered so quickly that shooters misunderstood their orders to be to "hit the rim."

"Had we shot 40% from the field, the game would've been even," said assistant coach Joe McDonald, referring to the 25% clangfest. "Or better than 50% from the free throw line."

NCHS made a run to close the gap to six at one point in the second half, but NCEHS employed a unique trapping defense to disrupt the offense's rhythm. The tactic, in which defenders interlocked hands in a circle and jostled the ballhandler washing-machine style until he collapsed, was not without controversy but was overwhelmingly effective.

"We'll play these guys another time or two," said the head coach. "It's not the size of the dog in the fight that counts, but that his bark is worse than his bite."

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thanks! Part 2

What a day. Time for an annual dishing of much-deserved thanks.

Lisa, thanks for lunch. We see a lot of things through the same eyes.

Ryan and Dave, thanks for the chance to learn to coach.

Jeff, you are Mr. Approachable at family gatherings. Thanks for that.

Scott and Lisa, thanks for inviting us out to dinner, games, dessert, your home, your study group.

Kimberly, thanks for your running club and friendship with Dena... and for teaming up with Jason to share a few fun meals with us.

Thanks, neighbor X, for getting caught up on your condo fees after five years. The treasury thanks you too!

Thad, thanks for sports chat, and for taking the time to get to know me.

Rusty, what could I accomplish at the Farm without you? Thanks for your support and flexibility.

Gerry, I appreciate you taking me to lunch once a quarter. How many assistant vice presidents make that effort?

Tyson, I've been through more with you this year than anyone except Dena. I'd do it all over again just for the laughs. Thanks for being a complete person - co-worker and friend.

Rich, thanks for your thoughtful and fun insights. We made great Training Committee teammates and would've done the same in the actuarial rock band.

Jane, thanks for sharing your elite talents with us. Writer, gamer, baker... it'd be impossible to have too many double-dates with you guys.

Darren, that means you too. I have a feeling that if we took a thousand mile road trip we'd come back with a lifetime's worth of laughs.

Thanks for being you, HolidaySnuggie.com.

Thanks to the producers of "1,000 Ways To Die." If I find myself trapped in a meat locker, helium balloon, or industrial-size clothes dryer, I'll understand exactly what's happening to my body in stunning detail.

Rob, what more could I ask for in a new hire? Our team's been on the rise ever since you fell into our lap. Thanks for being energetic, organized and servant-minded... a perfect fit for us all. Wherever you're headed, it's going to be a success.

Eric, thanks for lazy poolside chats and diligently serving the condo board. You're as unreservedly friendly as they come.

Jan, I appreciate all you do as the board secretary.

You're on my mind daily, and I loved our encounter together. Thanks, B-52s.

Mom, words can't do justice. When people describe me as calm, I think "that's my mom." Thanks for, you know, everything.

Jack, thanks for all the work with the kettle ball. Your chiseled Facebook photo physique is the inspiration for every meaningful thing I accomplish - physically, mentally, spiritually, and criminally.

Paul McCartney. I can't be you, so I'll have to be content with thanking you.

Paulette, thanks for the combination of passionate life philosophy and determined no-nonsense productivity you share with me every week.

Betty, you may be the most productive person who's ever worked for me. Your drive and generosity are legendary. Thanks.

Amy, my loosened muscles thank you from my forehead through my toes.

Mike, Leslie, Joy, Stephanie and Angelia, for taking care of my hair... Casey, Jenny, Jamie, Andrea and Maura, my feet. Ahhhh... thaaaannnnkssss....

Tina, you are a rock. Toughness with a smile. I'd pick you for my work team every time. Thanks for your sunshine, dedication and leadership.

Mom & Dad F. Thanks for giving and giving and giving and giving and...

Troy, if I write a book on fatherhood I know who I'm modeling it after. Thanks, bro.

Jennifer, your smile and airtight work quality give me confidence and good spirits. I can count on you as an employee and a person. Thanks.

Dona, neither Hidden Blog nor I would be quite as good without you. Thanks for writing, listening, talking, encouraging... the sister I'd have ordered if I could've.

Just a partial list here, really. Thank God for a life with all this richness!

Thanks! Part 1

Got up this morning and found Dena in the kitchen.

"Thanks!" I said.

Quizzical look. "What for?"

"It's Thanksgiving... it just felt right."

"I'm very thankful for you," as we kicked off the day with a wake-up hug.

Yes, thankful indeed. I was thankful that she was dressed in fuzzy felt that was perfect for hugging.

Thankful for her...

- instinct to clean, as she was tidying up the kitchen at the moment.
- instinct to help, as she took out the trash.
- support behind every new adventure I try, from a voice acting career to seminary to coaching.
- motivation to stay healthy, whether with weights or running or good eating.
- initiative to start her own business.
- silly sense of humor.
- godlike ability to recall names and songs of the 1980's.
- musical ability.
- baking talents.
- creative writing skills.
- awesome graphic design and drawing abilities.
- lack of self-congratulation and flattery.
- empathy for the suffering.
- generosity with time and money.
- tenacity to shrug off pain.
- undemanding ways.
- beautiful smile!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Homeward Ground

We tried to get up to Mom's tonight, but after 15 miles in whipping winds and driving rain I decided to call off the late-night crusade. The combination of a lightweight yet trusty Saturn, nighttime visibility, potentially slick roads, heavy pre-Thanksgiving traffic, and a wearying day in the office proved too great of a safety risk for a 2-hour drive.

Back at it first thing tomorrow morning. Snow in the forecast, but enough of the other factors should be improved that our chances will be much better. There will be no denying a date with Mom's apple pie!

Seriously?

Suppose your baseball team has a 36-year-old shortstop coming off his worst year statistically in a decade. It also has a 40-year-old relief pitcher coming off an All-Star season.

You are the shortstop. The team offers to pay you $15 million a year for three years. Your sensible reaction is:

a. Seriously? You realize that I will be 39 years old, with batting skills somewhere around the level I produced this year. There are no 39-year-old shortstops, so I will likely be standing still somewhere on defense. $15 million?

b. I accept. I think I can get by on $15 million. You guys make tons of money and I'm deserving of a slice. Who knows, I may even bounce back for the next three years.

c. Seriously? I deserve more years and more money than THAT.

You are the relief pitcher. The team offers to pay you $17 million a year for one year. Your sensible reaction is:

a. Seriously? $17 million for 100 innings of work? $60,000 an out? You saw what happened to Trevor Hoffman last year, right? Stinksville.

b. I accept. I'm coming off one of my best years. I've never had a bad year yet. This is a slight increase from last year. I get it.

c. Seriously? I deserve two years.

If you answered c. to both questions, then you'll enjoy this article.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

NCHS Practice #11

Twenty minutes pre-game warm-up. Each missed layup means a sprint down-and-back at the conclusion of warm-ups.

Five minutes FT shooting. 2 and rotate. Rebounder should practice boxing out, pinching down, etc.

Five minutes transitions and substitutions on FTs.
- if you're the man back, whether offense or defense, you stand by coach
- if coach calls you to sub in "on the bounce," you head to scorer table once official's bounce pass to shooter hits floor
- line up at scorer's table in crouched position, not lying on floor, not sitting on bench
- run on and run off, communicating to each other as to defensive responsibilities

Ten minutes R&R vs zone... in a 4 out 1 in alignment
- guards should align with the gaps in the zone
- so for example if facing a 1-2-2 then should have two guards high

Five BLOB vs zone "Spread"

Five minutes quarter-ending play
- point, and two at sideline extended from top of key, and two in corners
- count down from 30 seconds, count down and take shot once under 5 seconds, and all crash for tip in

NCHS Practice #10

Pre-game warm up drills:

TIps
- run in from outside, circle the court
- upon reaching half court, line heads toward right side of basket
- first man in line tosses off the backboard
- next man jumps up to catch it in the air, tosses it off the backboard
- similar tips by each player
- last man in line tosses off the left side backboard
- progress through line again

D slides
- form two lines at baseline, by each block
- first in line goes to block, faces baseline, defensive stance
- slide backward zig toward sideline, then zag back toward middle, then zig toward sideline half court
- head to other sideline, slap hands with teammate coming toward you
- go to back of line on opposite side
- progress through line on opposite side

Pass & cut layup lines (2 lines each drill)
- each drill has a passing line and a cutting line
- four sets in all
- first set is point-wing on right side
- point is passing line, wing is receiving line
- passer: makes pass, cuts, receives return pass, makes layup, gets rebound, makes outlet pass, goes to receiver line
- receiver: receives pass, makes pass, cuts across to opposite wing to receive outlet pass, passes to pass line, goes to passer line
- same routine for wing-point right side, point-wing left, wing-point left

Speed dribble layup lines (ball starts at point)
- two sets in all, one with wing on left, one with wing on right
- point makes one dribble toward wing, then makes pass to cutting wing

Feed the post Laker cuts
- two sets in all, one with wing on left, one with wing on right
- wing passes in and cuts
- post becomes outlet after making return pass

3 v 0 circle movement, wing-point-wing, jumpers off the first pass

Rebounding game: offensive players at each short corner and elbow. Make four passes, shoot, rebound

"Board" FT contest. Only count streaks of 3 or more. Longest streak wins, others do push ups.

Fifteen minutes of Phoenix Hagen drill

Five minutes 5 v 5 with defense starting at half court.

Five minutes 5 v 0 running various R&R routines on O
- circle movement
- pass and cut
- speed dribble
- four out, one in

Fifteen minutes Naismith drill
- first to score three unanswered baskets wins

Sunday, November 21, 2010

High/Low Week 46, 2010

Someone asked me this week if I knew a certain person. The answer was yes. I'd met that person as part of an awards ceremony years ago. That last part wasn't necessary to answer her question. Yet, I just couldn't suppress the chance to drop the fact that I'd won an award. The sad thing is that people who talk about their own accomplishments lose credibility with me (unless they're in a job interview). Still, some disreputable urge to be esteemed occasionally swamps that logical part of the brain. It's the needle swinging into the red on the self-centeredness meter.

Over dinner with Dena last night we got to talking about people getting married, and I made some disparaging joke along the lines of "if so-and-so can get married, then anyone can." Attempts at humor don't get much cheaper than that! Someone once said of me in college that I was such a quiet guy, but whenever I did say something it was hilarious. Too much talking eventually dries up the well, and muck starts coming out. It's a good idea to be more like Dena's uncle Dale, a guy who reserves his words for times that he knows it'll help.

Hidden Bloggers can tell by my posts that basketball season has mushroomed into a significant part of life this week, the first full week of practices consuming about 20 hours of work which will be the norm. About 1.5 hours of practice, a half hour of analysis with the coach, thirty minutes of travel, and at least another half hour making personal notes at home. The learning has been as fruitful as hoped for the coaching repertoire. Twenty or so new drills. A new offense, out-of-bounds plays, defenses, press breakers. Even got a chance to study some film and learn the offense of an opponent. The team is growing gradually, a long way from dominant, but with good reason to have optimism considering how much they've had to learn in nine practices. Our first game against Morton is the day after Thanksgiving, at the Bloomington High School tournament, less than a week away.

Yesterday Dena and I had a long, fun date that culminated in dinner at Avanti's and a trip to the movies. It was also a personal celebration of a half-birthday, a milepost I use to count down my remaining time at State Farm before changing careers. This afternoon the two of us went to Four Seasons and did some cardio on the treadmill, then settled in to watch a rerun of Titanic on T.V. It was an ideal type of weekend to help recharge the body after a consuming week and uneven sleep patterns.

Our soccer team kicks off (ha-ha) in just a few weeks, and we held another practice on Saturday. The weather was crisp and ideal, and it felt great to develop some give-and-go rhythm with a few teammates. Scored enough goals in an intrasquad scrimmage to build up some chemistry. It also let me break in a pair of cleats that treated my feet considerably better than my last pair.

Work brought a couple of key meetings this week involving executive-level decisions, both of which succeeded. It's been full-steam ahead with three major product designs demanding completion by year end, but our staff is talented and I'm confident that we'll get it done.

It's a week to be especially thankful. Let's see how well I can carry that spirit of serenity through its end...

Obama Replaces Costly High-Speed Rail Plan With High-Speed Bus Plan

I think one of these buses passed me the other day!

NCHS Practice #9

Twenty minutes warm up.
- Mikan and 2-ball dribbling
- Score from all 5 spots with drive and pull-up jumper from 3-4 feet
- 2 v 0 circle movement from different spots
- 2 v 0 pass and cut
- Shoot and follow

Seven minutes 2 v 2 defense. Offense at point and wing. Designated passer at other wing w/o D. Point starts with ball, passes to "passer," and sets screen for wing. Wing comes up, catches pass. Then passes back to passer and sets screen. Now original point is at point again. Play 2 v 2. Offensive rebounds = run.

Ten minutes 13, 14 defense

Fifteen minutes BLOB 5 v 5 into R&R... and SLOB Safe and 5.

Ten minutes R&R, 5 v 5 position D only

Fifteen minutes R&R, 5 v 5
- five possessions at a time
- track turnovers

Ten minutes Pressure FT drill
- split up at baskets and shoot two FTs. Return to main basket
- if made both FTs, no run. 1 miss, run to HC and back. 2 misses, full court and back.
- repeat. Double the length of running (FC, and FC twice)
- repeat. 1 miss, run HC-back-FC-back. 2 misses, run that route twice.

NCHS Practice #8

Ten minutes stop and shoot jumpers from five R&R spots.

Five minutes Indiana University passing/defensive drill. 3 v 3. Point, and each corner. Offense stays in place. Defense traps O with two men. So each defender guards two people... his man, and the man to his left. If the third man has the ball, then defender floats. Offense must wait for trap before passing. Protect the ball by "ripping it low" - hold the ball low, step with non-pivot foot from one side to another, and rip ball to that side.

Ten minutes BLOB. 5 v 0 Titan both ends, Lion both ends.

Five minutes alley drill until reach 1/2 court, then go live. No middle!

Five minutes form rebounding. 2 v 2. O at wings, D one foot in the lane. Box out long enough for ball to bounce once. Five push-ups for O rebound.

Fifteen minutes press work. 5 v 0 Kansas on both side courts. Then 14 defense.

FIve minutes free throw shooting. Make 75% or team runs.

Five minutes R&R, 2 v 2. O players one position apart. Handler can drive lane, pass, or use speed dribble.

Fifteen minutes half court R&R vs 10 defense.

5 Reasons Electric Cars Will Disappoint

From Yahoo! Autos:

They're cool. That's for sure.

The Nissan Leaf and Chevrolet Volt could turn out to be the most innovative mass-produced cars in a century. By taking some or all of their power from a household electrical outlet, they offer the first real glimpse of transportation that doesn't rely on petroleum—and could even crest the magical 100-miles-per-gallon threshold, once the official electricity-to-gasoline conversions are complete. Even better, the two electrics offer something new without the ugly packaging that has doomed futuremobiles in the past. They're cute, actually.

The Leaf is a perky five-passenger hatchback with sporty handling that can go about 100 miles on an eight-hour charge. The Volt, a bit edgier, is a four-passenger hatch that can go about 40 miles on a charge, with a gas engine that kicks in after that. Both offer a comfortable interior, futuristic controls, and do-gooder credibility. Together, these first-generation electrics set worthy standards for competing models from Toyota, Ford, Smart, and even Chinese manufacturers to meet or beat as they arrive over the next few years.

Now for the bad news: Hardly anybody will buy one, and for a good long while most car buyers will consider electric vehicles to be a great purchase—for somebody else to make.

The hype over EVs will reach a crescendo over the next couple of months, as the Leaf and Volt start to arrive in showrooms, commercials air, enthusiasts cheer, and the press fawns. But before long, you might start to wonder why they're so scarce on the roads. Despite all the attention, EV sales in 2011 will probably number 30,000 or less in the United States, an infinitesimal fraction of total sales. They're obviously unproven, but EVs are also quite expensive compared with comparable gas-powered models, even with generous tax breaks. And while costs will come down over time, J.D. Power & Associates predicts that even a decade from now, EVs will account for less than 1 percent of all U.S. sales. "It is unlikely that global demand will reach the levels that have been widely predicted for the industry," the research firm said in a recent report.

That prediction could be wrong. Nissan CEO Carlos Ghosn, for one, believes that EVs will account for 10 percent of global market share by 2020. And technology breakthroughs, stronger government backing, or an unforeseen spike in gasoline prices could propel electrics into the mainstream faster than skeptics predict. But for the next few years at least, electric vehicles will fail to live up to the hype. Here are five reasons why:

They're way too expensive. To store the electricity drawn from a power outlet, EVs require huge batteries that cost $10,000 to $15,000 apiece. This can drive the overall vehicle cost to nearly twice the levels of a comparable gas-powered car. For exotics like the $109,000 Tesla Roadster (which debuted in 2008) sticker shock isn't really a problem. But for mass-market family cars, it is.

The Leaf, for instance, starts at about $33,000, compared with prices of less than $20,000 for a gas-powered hatch like the Mazda 3 or Volkswagen Golf. The Volt starts at about $41,000, compared with a mere $17,000 for the Chevy Cruze, which runs on gas but is functionally similar to the Volt. A federal tax break lowers the cost of EVs by $7,500, and some states add further subsidies. But even the discounted price represents a steep premium.

Owners will recoup some of the difference through fueling costs that are about 75 percent lower, at current prices for gasoline and electricity. But earning back a $10,000 premium, say, would still take more than 10 years for somebody driving 15,000 miles a year. And a high sticker price or monthly payment quickly discourages buyers. In a recent study, J.D. Power found that 17 percent of consumers said they were generally interested in buying an electric vehicle. But when told it would cost $15,000 more than a similar gas-powered car, only 5 percent were interested. Plus, those generous subsidies may not last; similar federal tax breaks for hybrids expired earlier this year, and some local governments that once promoted hybrids by offering perks like carpool-lane access have transferred those benefits over to EVs, which are trendier. Something even newer could claim those perks in a few years.

Limited range. General Motors is going to make sure everybody in America knows the difference between the Volt, which has a backup gas-powered engine, and the Leaf, which doesn't. One Volt commercial, for example, points out that the GM car allows for "spontaneous acts of freedom" and doesn't leash the driver to a power outlet. Still, the Volt's battery will only power the car for 25 to 50 miles, depending on conditions, and for drivers who frequently exceed that distance, there's no point in paying extra for an EV.


2011 Chevy Volt
The Leaf can go about 100 miles on a charge, which accommodates people with longer commutes. And a variety of warnings will chime and ding as drivers deplete the battery and get close to running out of juice. Nonetheless, the Leaf has a glaring shortcoming: You can't use it for long trips. And running the battery down without being sure you'll make it to an outlet can produce "range anxiety," a condition GM got familiar with in the 1990s when its costly all-electric car, the EV-1, became a colossal flop.

EV advocates hope that eventually, a network of quick-charge stations will dot America's highways the way filling stations do today, allowing drivers to recharge the battery in 30 minutes or less. By the end of 2011, there will be about 12,000 charging stations in 19 states. But those will be clustered in a few places where pilot projects are underway, like southern California, Dallas, Nashville ,and Seattle. In most American towns and cities, there's no plan for a charging network and there probably won't be until enough EVs are on the road to justify the cost. This is the usual chicken-and-egg problem with new powertrain technologies: They depend on new infrastructure that's prohibitively expensive unless there are millions of cars to support it. For the next several years, that will limit pure electrics like the Leaf to commuter status, and require their owners to have a second car if they ever want to visit grandma or drive to the beach.

The environmental benefits aren't persuasive. Electric vehicles have no tailpipe emissions when they're running on battery power. Environmentalists love that. But the average car buyer doesn't care that much. Just 10 percent of car buyers say environmental impact is one of the main things they consider when choosing a car, according to J.D. Power. Much more important: Reliability, comfort, styling, gas mileage, and of course, price. EVs aren't entirely pure, either. The huge batteries have to be disposed of at some point down the road. And while they don't emit their own pollutants, cars charged through an outlet require power plants to crank out more electricity, which usually means burning more coal or natural gas. So the overall reduction in pollution depends on how cleanly the local power plant produces electricity, which an individual driver obviously can't control.

Competing technologies are getting better, fast. Electric cars might take off quickly if gas were $10 a gallon and EVs were the only alternative. But automakers are rolling out all kinds of high-mileage technologies, mostly because of new government rules that require average fuel economy of 35.5 mpg by 2015. New "clean diesels," mostly from European automakers like Volkswagen, Audi, BMW, and Mercedes, get mileage that can reach into the 40s. Analysis by car-shopping site Edmunds.com shows that the break-even point for clean diesels (at which the better mileage compensates for the higher cost) ranges from one to eight years, with at least one model being cheaper right off the lot. The new Toyota Prius plug-in hybrid, coming in 2012, will offer about 15 miles of battery-powered travel before it begins to operate like a traditional hybrid, with its gas engine and electric motor working in tandem. The Prius plug-in will have less battery power than the Volt and be less revolutionary, but will also cost thousands less and offer a better bargain to buyers. That evolutionary approach may be more appealing. The Fisker Karma, a $90,000 luxury plug-in coming in 2011, is also a quasi-electric, with a gas engine that kicks in after 50 miles or so to help run the electric motors that power the car.

Gas engines are getting better too, thanks to advanced transmissions, direct-injection technology, and dozens of smaller refinements. Nearly a dozen 2011 models get average mileage above 30 mpg, including popular rides like the Ford Fiesta, Mazda 2, and Mini Cooper. Ford and other automakers are finding ways to get V-8 power out of V-6 engines that produce better mileage, or V-6 power out of a four-cylinder. That lets buyers cut fueling costs while enjoying the performance of internal-combustion engines that are far more proven than electrics or even hybrids.

America is not the right place for electrics. Sure, we have plenty of big cities with bad traffic and millions of commuters who could cut down on fueling costs with an EV. But we also have a huge country, a vast highway network , and a unique motoring culture in which mobility, freedom, and even speed are highly valued. EVs aren't optimized for that. There's a good chance they'll catch on faster in Europe and Japan, where cities are closer together, gas is more expensive, and drivers are more willing to accept tradeoffs. And China, with its centrally planned economy, could install a nationwide charging system practically overnight, compared to the plodding pace of 50 state governments strapped for cash in a weak economy. So if you really want to see EVs in action, you may have to head overseas. Or build your own charging station and see who shows up.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

NCHS Practice #6

Ten minutes R&R 2 v 2 wing-post contest.
- wing decides whether to throw into post or drive the lane
- if into post, then do high or low Laker cut, or corner relocate depending on D reaction
- orange vs white, match up in pairs
- maximum of 2 passes and 1 shot
- 3 points if wing scores (to encourage driving), 2 if post

Five minutes wing close-out drill
- 1 v 1 basically
- D one foot in lane, throw pass, close out
- 3 dribbles max, 1 shot max
- 1 point for score, 1 point if D fails to box out

Ten minutes 4 v 4 rebounding game
- games to 9
- 2 points for D rebound
- 2 points for O rebound, 1 points for basket

Ten minutes 5 v 0 transition. Keys:
- on the rebound, reverse pivot - don't just swing around and start dribbling lest you get stripped

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Warm Feelings

Awesome to be able to sit quietly poolside on November 10. In the way that the first day of baseball's spring training holds a special place in a fan's life, so does the last day to catch a few dwindling rays. Seventy degrees. Crystal skies. Slight breezes. Good book. Ahhh.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Regrettable Marketing Dooms Restaurant

Louey's Italian Restaurant closed Monday after just three months of operation.

"Sometimes these things happen," said owner Lou Magget of his first business venture.

The grand opening was marred by a misunderstanding by a printer which resulted in the word "Lousy" atop the menus. Menu selections with unusual labels like "Leftover Lasagna," "Stringy Linguini," "Monsterccoli" and "Mystery Soup" failed to attract the public with its self-proclaimed "edginess."

More desperate strategies to increase traffic included the ill-fated "Men Eat Free Saturdays," "Pay What You'd Like" dinner hours, "No Tips Tuesday," "Bring Your Pet To Dinner" and "Serve Yourself" specials, resulting in long lines, employee turnover and morbid financial results.

Restocking the wait staff with lower salaried foreign exchange students proved a disastrous attempt to cut costs, as did weekly floor cleanings and an increasing number of microwave-based food selections.

The owner announced plans for a new fast-food restaurant. "If you don't succeed once, you do it again," he said.

Magget's Burgers is slated to open in 2011.

Dramatic Finish Gets High School Team In Playoffs

Last minute drama strikes again on the most unlikely of plays to get a high school team into the playoffs!

NCHS Practice #5

Five minutes of one-man drive to score from each of five spots.

Note: Could try this with D so as to crank up intensity. Orange v white. Focus on triple threat, explosive first step. Team with most points at end wins, all shots must be in lane. Ability to beat man to a spot in the lane 1-on-1 is a major asset to R&R success.
Note: Wing penetration might be my favorite - the lane is a wider target from that angle.
Note: Try progression after this - add a teammate at any spot on the floor (no D on him). Two points if ball handler scores (must be in lane), one point if teammate scores. Teammate must make R&R move in response to the drive. Ball handler should move to different starting spots on the floor. Again, team with most points wins.

Seven minutes: 2 v 0 as a shooting exercise. Ball handler drives and kicks. Start at different spots.

Note: Try rule - shooter must score one basket from each of 5 primary outside spots. First team to ten wins.

Ten minutes shell drill, in three parts: Offense does pass and cut, defense guards cutters. Offense does circle movement, defense guards penetration. Offense does baseline adjustment, defense guards baseline.

Seven minutes 5 v 0 half court warm up. All drive right, all drive left while calling out baseline adjustment where applicable. Then random directions.

Note: Players in 5 out set must be a big step behind the line. Not only establishes easier passing lanes, but makes it much easier to determine whether defender is vulnerable to back cut.

Five minutes 5 v 5 full court. Rebound, transition into offense.

Note: Alternative - points in paint worth 3, beyond arc 3, all else 2. Two points for an offensive rebound.
Note: Ball handler should fill the alley he receives the ball in - left wing, right wing, or point - rather than always veer toward the point.
Note: Try for a longer stretch, like 20 minutes. Will be both very frustrating and very educational due to trial and error, good for this stage of the season. Also good conditioning.

Ten minutes of L4 and L12 post play.

Note: Perhaps too early in season to add these levels until others are mastered. Perhaps introduce speed dribble instead as a nice release from stagnation.

Jack Ramsey layup drill. Station passers at FT line extended, so 4 spots along sidelines. One line and a couple balls under each basket. Pass to sideline, sprint up right side of court and receive pass back, then make pass to second sideline spot, receive pass, make layup. No dribbling! Forty baskets in two minutes. If fail, then...

Running seventeen sidelines. Sprint back and forth, touch sideline 17 times. Foot must reach sideline every time! 1:15 to accomplish.

Note: E-mail R&R handout to team.
Note: Press offense/defense tomorrow.
Note: Noonan jersey #21. Tomorrow find out Jordan.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

High/Low Weeks 44 & 45, 2010

Does anyone like to be told how to live their life? When I'm not mentally prepared, it touches off a powder keg.

At the office, someone told me that I "needed" to do something within two weeks. In reality it could take months to do; I should have been notified accordingly; and frankly I just don't respond well to being told what to do rather than asked my opinion. Someone else's mistakes becoming my problem is a grinding way to participate on a team.

At home, I was censored by NCHS from including certain items on Hidden Blog.

Resistance. I've said it before. It burns, whether as part of an extra rep in the weight room or a reality imposed beyond our control. We can go find something else to do. We can push through it. Or we can be foolish and wallow in it. In these cases, it was time to chin up and comply rather than to complain or quit. Next week if something similar comes up, the challenge will be to do so without the intermediate fuming step.

We headed out for a fun evening with the Hillegasses last night. Dinner reservations at 6:00, followed by The Blind Side on DVD and a couple servings of Dena's pumpkin cake. What makes for such a great double date is good balance... four people interested to learn and support what each other are up to, and stirring up plenty of laughs while doing it. What better combo exercise is there than laughing - physically and mentally?

New next door neighbors moved in. Always curious to see if there are any distinctive habits to adapt to, such as gaudy exterior decorations, wind chimes, loud music, lousy parking, mangy pets, destructive children or weird smells. So far it looks like we will break even - a quiet young polite Asian childless married couple who speak fair English. A sweet collection of adjectives!

The annual condo board meeting was Thursday, and I officially rolled off the Board. That's good, because basketball is proving to be as consuming as I anticipated - looks to be about twenty hours a week. Thankfully, I've been able to take plenty of notes as I'd hoped, captured them blog-style, and so am building a reservoir of coaching knowledge that could be used on my own someday. No hurry though, as being a full-time rather than part-time coach this year is a huge improvement. The vocabulary makes more sense, I can be a step ahead of the players rather than behind, and the relationship with the coaches and players is just naturally stronger with the extra face time. It's been as good a fit as I'd imagined. I'm just performing better.

Saturday was a high-energy day. Besides the double-date at night, I kicked it off with hoops at Four Seasons (and squeezed in four victories in an hour without a loss), showered and jetted over to basketball practice for three hours, then practiced outdoors in blustery conditions with my new indoor soccer team in a 4-on-4 exhilarating friendly contest for an hour. My feet were pounding by the end, but thanks to my experiment with a fantastic recommendation of Thorlo cushioned athletic socks it was a blister-free experience. Another item to add to the Christmas list!

As usual, Dena is off making the world a better place by participating in the Jingle Bell Run for arthritis (to end it, not spread it). We will have plenty of good fortune to reflect upon come Thanksgiving!

NCHS Practice #4

Today the freshmen and sophomores practiced together, which worked out fabulously. Six baskets, four players apiece enabled lots of repetitions to be done, and doubled the amount of energy in the gym. Half the players wore white and half orange.

Five minutes of 2 v 2 rebounding. Eight at a basket. Two lines at each elbow. Orange-white-orange-white at one elbow, and white-orange-white-orange at the other. Shot goes up, two front guys in each line go for rebound. First color to five rebounds wins, losers five push-ups. Then have lines switch elbows. I was all-time shooter, but in it would have been better to have someone else so that I could focus on coaching. Also I focused on keeping score, and should instead have had the players call out the score. Again, so that I could do what I'm there to do. Live and learn.

We've had defenders playing without their hands, so as not to tip passes but to enable them to get through, while still working on positioning.

Notes: Try having the defense play all-out to simulate game action as much as possible. Also, continue to emphasize fundamentals of our defensive philosophy even though it's an offensive drill. For example, don't have players on the help side guarding their man.

Lots of 2 v 2 R&R drills, about 5 minutes apiece, broken up by free throws/drinks, partner shooting races to 10, and...

Five minutes free throw 1-and-1 drills. Basically Feeney FTs, but any running is done individually rather than as a team.

Note: Too much jogging going on here.

2 v 2 R&R:

L1. Circle
Point & wing. Point drives either side, wing reacts. Wing drives middle or baseline, point reacts.
Point & corner. Point drives either direction, corner reacts.
Wing & wing. Wing drives either direction, opposite wing reacts.
Wing & opposite corner. Wing drive middle and dump to cutter.

L2. Baseline
Corner & corner.
Corner & opposite wing.
Corner & point.
Corner & wing.

L3. Pass & cut
Start two spots apart. That is, point & corner or wing & wing. One has the ball. The other comes toward him as if filling the position in between. Have defender either try to overplay or hang back. If he overplays, back cut. Otherwise, pass and cut (front or back cut, depending on defender).

5 v 0 R&R:

L1.
All drive right, and react. All drive left, and react. Drive either way, and react.

L2.
Drive from each corner.

Five minutes Princeton shooting. One passing line, one shooting line. If you miss the shot, you must get your rebound and lay it in. First one to ten baskets (not counting layups) wins, the loser runs.

Notes:
- With two weeks to our first game, this might be the time to pick starters and get them used to playing together. Figuring that next week they'll get a chance to struggle, and by the following week they can get some momentum leading up to the game.
- It's time to ramp up to game-level intensity during drills. Far fewer soft passes, cuts without looking for the ball, and jogging.
- Should our first look be to drive in the R&R when receiving the pass? Play a game where you can only score on layups and threes... but maybe make the threes worth four so that defense isn't motivated to sag.
- Increase focus on never taking eyes off the ball in R&R... get too obsessed about getting to a spot rather than reacting to the ball, will disrupt the flow.
- Suggest replacing our "progression to six" or 3 v 2 warm-up drills with R&R transition - get rebound, come down into the set, and run L1/L2. Then put in defense, and give three points for a layup (i.e. to motivate penetration or pass-and-cut).

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Received From My Niece

While catching up on e-mail, I see one from my niece Kelsey. It reads:

"http://home-income-newsllc.ru/?4L87ZL IExplo redTh eWor kFromH omeW ebsiteA n dHotMys elf F amil iar WithI t

And truly discover love at its plateau."

I am pretty sure it is bogus, for a few reasons.

1. She has about as much reason to e-mail me as Superman has to lift weights.

2. Teenagers generally are not motivated to work from home (or anywhere, really).

3. Kelsey would not make a silly mistake like "and hot myself." I might have been fooled had it said "and got myselfff."

4. I know from hours of philosophical conversation with Kelsey that she would never describe love as something to be discovered, but instead developed and given freely from the heart. She certainly would not try to sell me on the idea that love should aspire to plateau, mainly because she has never said the word plateau.

Concluding that it is a spammer, I'm left in wonderment. Who is his target audience? They'd know English words, but not English grammar. They desire to work from home, primarily so that they can achieve a state of flatlined love.

The web site appears to be from Russia. If this is evidence of their overall ability to strategize, I say we invade.

Nobel Prize-Winning Dissident

That phrase caught my eye in a headline, recognizing a woman recently back in public after staying at home for over seven years. Couldn't they have stopped at "Nobel Prize winner"? Perhaps "Nobel Prize-winning woman"? "Nobel Prize-winning accountant"? But no.

"Hi, I'm Mary McJagger. I disagree with people. Your shirt's awful, by the way."

Wish I could've attended her Nobel Prize acceptance speech. But she probably rejected the invitation anyway.

Her parents might've made her go to Catholic confession.

"Hello, Father."

"Welcome, child. When was your last confession?"

"How's that any of your business?"

"I'm sorry. Please continue."

"Word to the wise: kids don't like being called 'child.'"

"I meant, please continue your confession."

"I confess that this booth smells like grandma."

"Would you like to be forgiven for any sins today?"

"First you tell me yours."

"I'm afraid that's not how it works. Mmph. Please give me back my collar. Please do not draw a smiley face on it."

"Hands off me! Sinner!"

Friday, November 12, 2010

Jerseys Or Fish Food?

Today was basketball team photo day!

I got there earlier than coach. Part of the photo day ritual is the passing out of team jerseys. The jerseys sat there in a locker while the team congregated outside. After several minutes of hanging around, I took action and started sorting them carefully by size. Home jerseys. Road jerseys. Home shorts. Road shorts. Soon a pile of like-sized clothing packages were laid in neat piles on the floor.

One of the players came in and asked if I needed any help. "I'm all right," I said. "Maybe you could just have everyone line up outside the door?"

I overestimated his attention span. He missed the "outside the door" part. Players started lumbering in.

"Guys, could you give me a single-file line?" I asked. I overestimated their attention span. They missed the "Guys, could you please give me a single-file line?" part.

After helping the first player, I turned back and saw the tidy piles being energetically shredded. Like Christmas gifts on a peasant road. Or butchers taking an accidental bath after work in the pirhana's river.

Lesson learned when dealing with teenagers. Fewer words. More cattle prods.

NCHS Practice #3

Five minute warm up. "Progression of six?" Two lines form, one under basket as rebounder, one at sideline (left elbow extended). Rebounder toss ball to self off backboard. Outlet. Man receiving pass drive down middle of court, rebounder cuts to half court touch sideline, then cut to hoop. Dribbler does jump stop at free throw line and deliver bounce pass for layup. Passer catches layup out of basket, thereby becoming new "rebounder." Drill proceeds in same fashion back to original end of court. After everyone's gone through once, then repeat drill except starting on the other sideline. Miss layup = 5 pushups. Variation of drill: instead of layup, do pump fake ("rocket") then go up.

Fifteen minutes R&R (2 v 1 with defender coming to help on driver)
- point drive middle and dump to baseline cutter for layup
- wing drive baseline and kick to opposite corner for shot
- wing drive middle and corner circle to safety valve for shot
- corner and wing circle to wing and point, coach pass to point. Point read wing's man - if over read line, make back cut, otherwise pass and cut

Five minutes 1-2-3 rebounding. Three defenders line up in middle of lane: #1 is nearest FT line, #3 is nearest baseline, #2 is between them. Three players on perimeter. Coach passes randomly to a perimeter player and calls a number - and the defender who corresponds to that number boxes out the shooter. The other two defenders communicate to match up with a wing and box out. Offense rebound = 5 pushups.

Ten minutes shell drill, with offensive players driving after receiving pass. At that point the nearest available defender to help steps in and says "hey!" then recovers. If a baseline drive, help defender plants a foot out of bounds... and all players sink down low (yelling "sink" while doing so).

Ten minutes R&R post slides, 2 v 0
- wing drive baseline, post slide up lane
- wing drive middle, post slide to short corner

Ten minutes R&R post passing, 2 v 0. Passer into the post makes his next move based on D reaction:
- Laker cuts high (if man plays him low) and low (if man plays him high)
- Relocate to corner (if man collapses inside)

Ten minutes 5 v 0 R&R full court. Run the offense with no shots until...
- 3 players drive the lane
- 3 players pass and cut
- (add a coach defender) 2 players make a back cut
- post slides for a driver
- Laker cut is done

Thursday, November 11, 2010

NCHS Practice #2

Five minutes of Mikan and reverse Mikan (note: launch off inside foot) drills. While one shoots, the other dribbles two basketballs.

Five minutes of 2-ball passing. Partners line up opposite the free throw lane and 2 steps back.
- right handed, simultaneous push (chest) pass toward the other's left shoulder
- left handed version of the above
- same as the above, except bounce passes
- two-handed simultaneous passing, one throwing a bounce while the other throws a chest

Seven minutes of 2 man offensive drill. Both offensive players start at half court.
- point drive up middle, slight veer right, then pass to corner
- wing drive up sideline, then drive lane once reaching wing, then pass to point sliding to opposite wing
- 2 O v. 2 D. Right wing with ball. Left wing fills point and either takes pass or back cuts (if D denies)

Three minutes of 2-man shooting contests. All shots from 15 feet at least. First to 10 baskets wins, losers 10 push-ups.
- Shooter gets own rebound and feeds partner
- Partner closes-out to defend shooter. Shooter pump fakes, one dribble and shoot.

Five minutes alley drill.

Five minutes 1 v 1 close-out the wing. One offensive line at wing, one defensive line at baseline near block. D passes to O. O either drives or shoots. Close-out: hands up and off, square up feet. If O shoots, D boxes out. Arm bar, butt, hands up.

Ten minutes of wing-wing jump to the ball drill. One at point with ball (unguarded). One at each wing (guarded). O passes ball around, D moves from "Ball" to "Gap" to "Help" position. Talk.

Ten minutes of 4 v 4 shell. Variation: passer cuts through the lane. Defender calls "cutter"! Help defense comes to aid, then recovers to man. Don't get too stuck to your man, move when the ball moves just like normal shell drill even though people are running around. On-ball pressure just enough not to get beat easily!

Five minutes free throws/drinks. Two longest "make" streaks are the winners.

Ten minutes Phoenix Hagen. 2 at each basket. At five different perimeter spots, shoot till someone in the gym makes ten and wins. Shooter should step into the pass.

Eight minutes R&R L1. Basic North/South (explain what that means) and circle movement. No D. Define: "kick" to corner, "dump" to baseline. The R and the R should be simultaneous, no hesitation. Drive left means circle left.

Eight minutes R&R L2. Baseline adjustment. Corner anchored. Rotaters not quite so far.

Ten minutes R&R v "10" D.

Five minutes full court tip drill. One ball and one line at each main basket. Toss ball off board then run to other basket, next man catches in air and does the same. Keep ball off ground 30 seconds. Tip: Talk to the man in front of you so he knows where you are!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Secret To Winning

"The secret to winning, whether in games or in life, is to make the purpose of your existence to help others." - Anonymous

NCHS Practice #1

The first 5-10 minutes set the stage for an entire season of expectations.

- Be early
- Don't interrupt varsity practice
- Don't walk through the wrestler's team practice
- ABSOLUTELY do not walk through the girls' basketball team practice
- No rubber bands
- White socks only (on game day)
- Wear at least 2 pair of socks until your feet get used to the pounding
- The trainers are available to tape ankles right after school, don't wait till later
- Unexcused lateness means you start running laps around the gym

- This is the family. When one screws up, the whole team pays.
- Talk to each other. Talk to the coaches. Ask questions.
- A few on the team didn't play last year. Help coach them along.

Coach has a gift for it, a well-honed combination of barking commands, affable jokes and helpfulness plugged into 10,000 volts of enthusiasm that infected the team. The chatter of teammate encouragement by practice's end was a promising start of team chemistry.

"Run! Go!"

Five minutes of the Mikan drill - launching a one-handed, one-footed layup from each side again and again, aiming to make 16 in thirty seconds. Keep the ball high, above the chin.

Five minutes of alley drill. The alley runs baseline to baseline, in a corridor stretching from sideline to just outside the free throw lane. Dribbler goes at 75% speed (I'm hoping this reaches 100% before too long to simulate game speed), zig-zag side to side. Defender is to beat him to the sideline and turn him. Position is critical. Hands out to the side, and hands off the handler.

Five minutes of defensive "close-out" technique and box-out technique. Close-out means you run at the ball handler on the wing. The hands should be up, but slightly bent at the elbows for more quickness in deflecting a pass. Butt low. Come to a stop about a half-step short of the man. Position self squarely between ball and hoop, encouraging the drive to the baseline but not on a direct lane to the basket. Yell "Ball!" upon arrival. Rebounding is a three part but fluid process. Make upper body contact with a (bent) arm bar. Then make lower body contact by getting the butt into him. Hands up! Move him a step outside the lane if possible.

Ten minutes of 2-on-2 rebounding drill. A player at each wing. A defensive partner for each wing with one foot in the lane. Shot goes up, defense boxes out. Offensive rebound means five push-ups.

Five minutes of shell drill. Call out each position as you find yourself in it... Ball: funnel dribbler toward the baseline not the middle. "Trace" the ball with the hands, shadowing it wherever the handler may be holding it. Gap (ball one pass away): play off the man and toward the ball, not chasing beyond the 3 point line but denying within. Tip passes with the hand nearest the ball, so that if you miss, you're still in position to recover. Help (two passes away): find the middle of the court. One hand pointing at the handler and your man. Head on a swivel, to keep an eye on each. If there's a skip pass, close-out on him!

Ten minutes of 5-on-0 and 5-on-5. Start with players circling near the basket (no defense, i.e. 5-on-0). Toss up a shot. Rebound and outlet to a guard. Come down and run the offensive sets. Now add defense at half court, to pick up the offense as it comes.

Ten minutes of Feeney's free throws. Each player takes a turn at the line shooting 1-and-1. Make them both, and there's no penalty. Miss the first, and the team has 24 seconds to make it up and down the court twice - dribbling with a different hand after each length of the court... no second shot. Make the first but miss the second, and you run up-and-down once in 12 seconds. Touch the end lines with your feet, not your hands.

After practice it's time to collect contact information: cell phone numbers, e-mail addresses.

Normal Community Basketball Team Enters Witness Protection Program

On the heels of a scandalous affair, the Normal Community High School basketball teams were moved by federal authorities into its witness protection program Wednesday evening.

The chain of events began Tuesday night, when the wife of one of the coaches stumbled upon a ring of identity thieves intent on sharing confidential player information and selling team secrets on the black market. Investigators worked into the morning hours to discover that the well-connected profiteers were the local arm of the infamous racketeering conspiracy headed by crime boss Hart Slater. The notoriously violent cartel's track record of brutal retaliation justified the conservative and extraordinary measure.

"We'd rather be too careful than too lax," said recently renamed school administrator Pookie Carmichael. "These are societal monsters. They've snatched children. Buried people alive. Even described basketball players who never started a game as 'bench players.' It sickens to think what would have happened if this operation hadn't been discovered."

"It's definitely unusual for us to have to provide cover for 300 students, siblings, parents, coaches, spouses and their children," admitted FBI special agent Faith Harvey. "Coming up with that many names for secret identities is just a bear. But the American public demands that athletes receive privilege."

Players' reactions were mixed.

"If there's guys lookin to mess me up out there, I'll do what it takes, change names or whatever," said forward Rex Jones.

"It sucks," said point guard Bozo McPhee.

"This is like the safest city in the state," complained bench player Osama Ben Lofton. "Let me take my chances with the killers. It can't be worse than this."

The move had some early adverse consequences, as several players declared a boycott an any assignments requiring them to sign their name.

Assistant coach Joe McDonald opted out of the program, transferring to nearby Newton County High School (NCHS) to assistant coach the sophomore boys basketball team.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Tryouts Day 2

Today introduced some new drills. I was able to catch a couple while I wasn't manning the shooting Gun (I love writing that phrase):

1. Passing lines. Two lines face each other from opposite sides of the court (beginning about ten feet inside each sideline). Player at the front of line one passes to the one at the front of line two, then sprints across. Line two is charged with trying to throw a pass back to line one. But the original passer shadows the ball with his hands trying to deflect. It's not allowed to throw the ball over the head of the defender. After throwing the pass, he becomes the next defender.

2. 3 on 2 full court. Place two defenders at each end of the court. At half court, put three offensive players, who proceed to drive fast-break style toward one end. As soon as they reach the top of the key, a third defender runs in from the sideline, touches the jump circle, then races to aid his other two defenders. Once the offense ends possession they become defenders in a half court press, while the defenders become offense. The press continues until the ball reaches half court, at which time the defense leaves the court. Offense proceeds toward the basket, and the sequence begins again.

Two hours of my two-day contribution can be summed up in one stat line: 27 freshmen shot 25 times apiece. They made 42% of them.

At last the players stood along the baseline. The drill is simple. If your name is read, you made the team. If not, you didn't. Either way, the players are instructed to leave the gym quietly.

Thirteen names. A handful left off. There were conversations to be had.

The coaches retired to the office.

A couple of players who made the team had borderline grades, and the school's honorable policy is that even though the IHSA is a tad more permissive, we will not allow a player to play who is failing any class at any time. The coach congratulated them on making the team and, through the wonder of modern technology, called up the detailed academic history of each player for the semester - including status of homework assignments and attendance. Walked them through each class. "What's going on here? You've got to start turning in homework and participating, you know what I'm saying? What will Mrs. So-and-So say when I ask them how you're acting in their class? We've got thirteen, but I can get by with twelve, you know?"

A line of cut freshmen players formed. The other coaches showed their experience.

Coach: "So what are you thinking?"

Player: "That I played extremely well."

Coach: (Pause, possibly reflecting on the fact that he shoots with the ball touching his nose and ends with his hand curved into a clutchy-claw fashion) "You played well. You need to work on your passing, dribbling with both hands, and shooting." This turns out to be golden advice that explains every player who comes in. Who can really provide a detailed analysis of a player's game when you've observed him for ten minutes cumulatively?

A player cried at being cut a second time. After skipping open gyms, camps, and weight lifting for the better part of a year. Somewhat baffling.

So tomorrow we march into the first practice of a season full of questions. Just over two weeks separate us from our first game. Who will play point guard? How well will we grasp the offense? How will our rebounding be?

Let the journey begin!

Basketball Investments

"Defense is like your conservative savings. You know what you're going to get. Offense is like the stock market." - Bob Hurley

Monday, November 8, 2010

Extremely Local Mechanic Quashes Saturn Monster

For years I've taken my cars to be repaired at the Saturn dealership, until there was no longer such a place. Driving to the dealership would carry me past a slew of auto shops within walking distance of my home. Clay Dooley Tire and Auto. Midas Muffler and Brake. Stephens Auto Glass. Speed Lube. It's like living in Las Vegas and going out of town to play bingo.

I waited sufficiently long for my neighbors to wake up before awakening the beast that my car had rather suddenly become over the weekend. I chose my mechanic using the same method I once used to choose a church - picked the closest one. Meineke opened at 7:30, and I popped in to find Ken standing in the doorway. Ken has the kindly look of Captain Kangaroo. "Heard you coming," he said with the warm smile of a favorite grandfather.

"Shouldn't take long, want to wait?" he said. Soon he had the car up on the lift, and beckoned me under as though he were teaching me the business. He pointed to a pipe that had ruptured and a heat shield that was loose (the same problem experienced by Apollo 13, as I recall). Then he began spouting phrases as if his sole purpose for waking up was to make my day.

"I'll be done in an hour. You can pick it up anytime. It'll be... eighty bucks."

An hour later, the streets were tame once again. And I'm left to seriously consider doing more shopping at Jeffrey Alan's.

Tryouts Day 1

Two hours of action-packed drills today. Last year I hear that 70 players tried out for the freshman and sophomore teams. This year the number was a more manageable 45 or so.

The opening messages to the team by coaches?

- You have control over your effort and attitude, and the good Lord provides the rest
- Freshmen have a blank slate - whether you played on a good, bad or no 8th grade team doesn't matter

Four players failed to get the blue permission slip signed that indicates parental consent and medical health. They become spectators.

These veteran coaches need little from me, which is a great spot for an apprentice. Got a chance to study a few opening drills:

1. Full court ball handling. About ten lines, 4 players deep apiece. Dribble down and back, while zig-zagging left to right using your best moves. Behind the back, spin moves, through the legs, crossovers, it's up to the player. Keep dribble low and eyes up!

Then we did the same drill, but with a defender in front... half the lines went first, going one floor length. Then the other half of the lines made the journey. Coming back, the dribbler/ballhandler switch roles. Coach called this version the "alley drill."

2. Partner passing. Partners stand facing each other, about ten feet in from opposite sidelines. First chest passes... line drives not lobs... snap the wrists... partner should step into the catch (a 1-2 step). Right-handed "push" pass... not winding up, but a shot straight from the shoulder. Left-handed push pass. Bounce pass... bounce 2/3 of the way. Overhand 2-handed outlet pass.

At this point I was dismissed to the shooting "Gun," i.e. the ball returning machine. Freshmen were allowed 25 shots while I counted makes and observed their shooting form. I'm new at this, so I invent some expressions. For example, the guy whose follow-through seemed a bit "floppy" to me. Or several with "elbow askew." Some are more blunt: "Ball behind head." "No jump." "Lots of air balls." The high score is 19 of 25 made. The low is 5.

Three of last year's freshmen are practicing with the varsity. One or two freshmen might come up to the sophomores. One of the sophs is on injured reserve. That leaves us with six of last year's freshmen who played meaningful minutes. Two or three more are on the bubble. Three or four pretenders either too small or too slow. We'll sort it out easily enough tomorrow. As they scrimmage 5-on-5, no one wows the crowd. Several are in football shape but rusty on the court. Off-balance shots fill the lane like daisies in Central Park. The rim is certainly damaged from the barrage of three-point bombs, one of which goes in.

Afterward we coaches huddle up in the office. Freshman coach has nearly finalized the list for his freshmen team. I'm impressed by the speed and confidence of their evaluations. One portly lad asked at the beginning of practice where we kept the "bouncy balls." He will not make the team. "Floppy" is still on the team, as is "No jump." Tomorrow we'll do more man-on-man action and fewer passing drills. And my astute and irrelevant notes might generate more inadvertent nicknames.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

25 Self-Made Teenage Millionaires Have These 7 Things In Common

Here's an article from Yahoo! Finance that might give a family member or three a kernel of inspiration that ultimately fills the college fund. They've already got trait #1 covered in spades... only six to go!

Nick Tart and his business partner are only 22, but they've already become experts in Generation-Y entrepreneurship.

After interviewing 25 self-made 6-figure+ teenage entrepreneurs, the pair authored the book: 50 Interviews: Young Entrepreneurs, What It Takes To Make More Than Your Parents.

What they found is that all the entrepreneurs shared a lot of similar traits.

These kids were lemonade stand sellers on steroids, hustling classmates in elementary school and staying in on weekends to work on their businesses.

Here is what separated these successful teens from their other, ordinary classmates.

Here are 7 traits the self-made, teenage millionaires share

Family support and encouragement

All 25 teenagers came from families that didn't doubt their ambitions. This doesn't mean that the entrepreneurs received financial support. We're talking about emotional support.

With the exception of Catherine Cook, the founder of MyYearbook.com who received seed money from her brother, most young millionaires Tart interviewed funded their own projects.

Some were given loans that they later paid back. One received $10 from his parents to buy a domain name. Emil Motycka, a 21-year-old who made his money with a commercial lawn mowing business, co-signed an $8K loan to buy his first lawn mower. Both paid off their debt within a year.

Like the rest of their generation, these entrepreneurs were told they were special. This time, they actually were.

Start with something manageable

Whether it was blogging or pushing a lawn mower, each young millionaire started with an idea they could actually execute. Tackling something manageable built their confidence, and it helped them build reputations as entrepreneurs. "I think all of them are getting into more substantial businesses now," says Tart, "but they had to start small to build their names in the business world."

One example is Juliette Brindak, 21-year-old founder of MissOAndFriends.com. After eight years of working on her startup, she received an investment from Proctor & Gamble that led her company to a $15 million valuation. With time, her idea grew from manageable to masterful.

Hard work and being relentless

Most entrepreneurs go through a lot of trial and error before they strike gold. The 25 teenagers are no exception.

Adam Horowitz, an 18-year-old entrepreneur, started 30 websites in 3 years before he became successful. Finally, he sold his first six-figure product. After that, he sold another successful product, and then another.

"About three months ago, Horowitz came out with another product that produced $1.5 million in revenue in 3 days," says Tart. "None of that would have happened without his 30 initial failures."

A sacrifice that adults don't have to make: childhood

What do teenagers have to lose? Not a whole lot. Most don't have to pay rent, feed families, or go to work. Fortunate teenagers have no real expenses; they have the freedom to do what they want, when they want, and that includes entrepreneurship.

One thing these 25 kids did have to sacrifice? Their childhood.

Founder Emil Motycka recalls being invited to the pool with friends. He'd turn them down to mow lawns instead. Motycka was made fun of for his business priorities; friends who lacked his responsibilities didn't understand his logic.

Now Motycka's work has paid off and he owns a house his friends frequently take advantage of.

They were told they wouldn't be successful

There's no motivation like being told you can't do something. Most of the 25 entrepreneurs Tart interviewed encountered a lot of negativity from teachers and friends. Michael Dunlop is one exceptional example.

School was challenging for Dunlop as a dyslexic student. Teachers told him he wouldn't be successful, and the young entrepreneur dropped out of high school. Despite his disability, Dunlop took up blogging and started Incomediary.com. The site now rakes in 6-figures and has a 12,000 Alexa rating.

"His writing isn't great, but he has millions of readers," says Tart. "Dunlop has an amazing intuition for business, and his opinions are always right."

Catherine Cook, founder of MyYearbook.com, also faced negativity. One year after launching her site, Cook received her first offer to sell. When she refused, the prospective buyer told her, 'You'll never reach the necessary threshold of 3 million users. You're making a big mistake." She quickly proved them wrong. MyYearbook.com now has 22 million users.

They kept personal and business lives separate

Gen-Y is supposed to be narcissistic. But a lot of these youngsters didn't want the glory associated with being a young founder. Four of the 25 interviewed entrepreneurs did not go by their real names.

Part of the reason they're cautious about identities is because of their young age. Another reason is because they want to keep business and social lives separate.

"It's like they wanted to start businesses as fake people," Tart says. "Catherine Cook [founder of MyYearbook.com] would work on her website only after her college roommate went to bed. She wanted to keep her business to herself and separate it from her personal life."

Young entrepreneurs also don't want their friends to know their rolling in money because people take advantage of them. Andrew Fashion, an entrepreneur who earned $2.5 million and blew it all by his 22nd birthday, learned this the hard way. His friends lived in his house but wouldn't pay him rent, and when he bought a friend a car, they totaled it. These teens have learned the hard way that everyone is not trust-worthy.

They were born sellers

According to Tart, most of his interviewees started selling trinkets when they were in grade school. "Michael Dunlop started selling Pokemon cards. He realized the pieces of cardboard were high in demand and they were way undervalued."

Keith J. Davis sold bubble gum to classmates, a desirable treat that was forbidden by teachers. Andrew Fashion turned mechanical pencils into rocket launchers.

The young millionaires got practice selling early and never stopped.

So is entrepreneurship nature or nurture? These kids were certainly born with the bug, but they wouldn't have been successful without relentless business attempts and their unmatched drive.

Long Shot

First buzzer-beater of the season! We'll have to draw this one up in the playbook for NCHS.

Okay, first throw the ball out of bounds under our own basket, so the other team has to inbound it.

Then, little guard, you catch the wild toss toward half court.

At that point just improvise a bit. You know, take a random stagger-step toward the sideline and shot put the ball blindly toward the hoop.

Why The Bush Presidency Was A Success

1. The "do not call" registry began, at least temporarily, stunting telemarketing phone calls.
2. Daylight savings time was postponed several extra weeks in the fall, enabling brightly lit drives home.

Presidents are credited/blamed with all kinds of stuff, whether or not they had any true role in it. So here's to you George, job well done!

Secretariat

Disney struck gold again, turning an impressive sports story into a heart-tugging American drama as well.

The focus is on Penny Tweety, married mother of four who briefly separates from her family in order to care for her dying father's horse breeding farm. She inherits not only an aspiring young colt named Big Red (dubbed Secretariat in racing circles for uniqueness) but a sizable debt. Faced with a chance to sell Secretariat to pay the bills, she straps herself up with female fortitude not seen since The Blind Side and solicits a series of investors in the racehorse in order to cover them. Suddenly, winning the Triple Crown's three grueling races becomes more than a dream unaccomplished in 25 years, becomes a requirement in order to satisfy the investors' "performance clause" in the contract.

Historians know that Secretariat pulls it off, and captures the third race spectacularly. But the Disneyfied context around it creates a warm feeling for a fall evening trip home from the theater. Catch it there if you can.

Monster From Saturn Terrorizes Town

A red monster belching unmuffled roars emerged in central Illinois Friday afternoon.

Rumors abounded amid the civic chaos. Multiple sources asserted that the 2,000 pound terror came from Saturn. One story surfaced that it first took to the streets a decade ago from a parking lot in Champaign. Others suggested that it had mostly traveled in stealth for over 86,000 miles before its unexpected and enraged outburst.

"It sounded like an airplane taking off from a runway," said Dena McDonald, who survived an incredible and mostly embarrassing incident encased in the beast's belly.

Emergency room visits spiked with whiplash injuries and damaged eardrums. It's believed to be the most realistic threat to humans since the Cloverfield creature.

Federal government officials were confused by calls from the press, apparently unaware of the situation. Local sources confirmed that counterattacking measures for capture and conquest would be launched at Meineke Muffler think tank, whenever it's next open. Until then, citizens were placed under high alert and church services have been prepared for extreme growl-based annoyance.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Patient In A Dental Institution

Stopped in for the six-month checkup on Thursday. It had been some time since a full set of X-rays was taken. Modern dentistry has leaped so far in a generation. In my youth it meant hopping in the trusty dark green Ford LTD with Mom chaperoning us deep toward the heart of Chicago to see Dr. Wutsizzface. Honestly can't remember. Or should I say that I can't remember and I came by it honestly, obliterating those neurons through sheer force of will.

My mouth has a proud history of being all messed up, a dandy mixture of convenient genes and incredible indifference for too long. As a kid the chompers were just large enough to be ill-fitting for children-sized X-ray wings (is that what you call them? Sounded more likely than "cardboard flappy things"). So Dr. Onefootinthegrave emotionlessly inserted adult-range wings in there. A glorious combination of immature paranoia and implements jammed against the soft palette of the back of the roof of my mouth generated a gag reflex for the ages. "Lean over and spit," was the familiar refrain, meaning into the sink to my left which was once the fountain in Lilliput's town square.

Dry-heave-gate ranks as only my second strongest memory of Dr. Grumblebee's office. I exclude the stench-of-death scent of burning teeth that anyone who's set butt in a dentist's chair can recall. No, this was more of a tactile experience that Heff might've loved but for me was a script out of a Vincent Price flick, pinned to a chair during a cavity filling by a bunch of hygienists while Mom was escorted from the room. Actually, doc may have been Price's grandfather and just handed him the imagery. I should investigate royalties.

Nowadays, dentist visits are a comparative joy. The hygienist is my age, an engaging sort who spends time exchanging pleasant stories about family, sports, vacations and shows. Goggles protect the eyes from any stray spittle, which is low probability anyway with the vacuum-powered mini-hose that keeps the mouth dry. After the teeth are scraped clean, a fantastic minty spray comes out that sandblasts the surface to a shine.

One thing that hasn't changed - the X-ray process remains a stick-this-in-your-mouth-and-hold-still proposition. But as family and friends will tell you I am now possessed of a nice, big mouth that creates a gag-free experience. What has changed is that:

1. I am cloaked in an X-ray vest
2. The hygienist runs from the room each time to push the button - about a dozen trips in all (so that she doesn't overdose into the Incredible She-Hulk)
3. I'm cavity-free!

Friday, November 5, 2010

Sure Beats Flying

Dena showed me this today.

Go to Google Maps.

Get directions from China to Japan.

Look at step #43.

If that's the fastest route, what's the slowest?

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Five Devices Losing Their Appeal

Let's see... I own a basic cellphone and a DVD player. Bought my first iPod last year. First laptop computer this year. Guess it's about time to buy a smart phone!

Six Diet Rules You Can Break!

From JoyBauer.com:

It’s no secret that the number one diet “rule to live by” is this: to lose weight, you must eat fewer calories than you burn over an extended period of time. Beyond that, the rules of weight loss are actually a lot more flexible than you might think (and, as you probably know from personal experience, what works for one person may not work for another). Here are six universal diet truths that, as it turns out, aren’t always true.

You Must Exercise To Lose Weight. Controlling calories and food intake is key to shedding unwanted pounds (much more so than exercise). If you’re not able to be active or just can’t commit to a regular workout schedule, you can still lose weight without exercising if you carefully monitor your food intake. Of course, being physically active provides a whole host of health benefits outside of weight management, and for this reason I highly encourage everyone to incorporate fitness into their lifestyle. But if you absolutely can’t or won’t exercise, know that it’s still possible to achieve your weight loss goals.

Only Weigh Yourself Once Per Week. There is no “one size fits all” rule with weighing. Some people do better with daily weigh-ins and others with no scale at all; it’s really a personal choice. If you find that daily or weekly visits to the bathroom scale help you stay accountable, by all means, maintain your usual routine. If tracking your numbers tends to make you obsess a bit, you can always gauge your weight loss by taking occasional measurements or noting changes in your clothing size.

Dessert is a No-No. As long as you account for the calories, dessert is perfectly okay—whether it’s berries, cookies, or a slice of rich, fudgy chocolate cake. Some dieters that I’ve counseled like to build in one portion-controlled treat per day—maybe two cookies or a low-fat ice cream pop. Others prefer to save up their “discretionary calories” and splurge on one decadent dessert per week from a restaurant or bakery. Whatever your preferred strategy, it is definitely possible to satisfy a sweet tooth without derailing your diet.

Portion Control Everything You Eat. Not true! You can overeat non-starchy vegetables to your heart’s content, as long as you prepare them in healthful ways. Non-starchy vegetables—like leafy greens, cucumbers, carrots, celery, tomatoes, mushrooms, peppers, broccoli, asparagus, cauliflower and green beans—are incredibly low in calories, thanks to their high water and fiber content. They’ll fill you up and displace more caloric foods…and ultimately help you lose weight by eating more!

Never Skip Breakfast (it’s the most important meal of day.) Some people are just not naturally conditioned to be early morning eaters, and that’s completely understandable. There’s no reason to force yourself into eating breakfast if you’re not hungry, as long as you’re not having a problem with overeating later in the day. Instead, have a meal or mid-morning snack later on, when your appetite finally kicks in.

Salads Are Your Best Bet For Losing Weight. Sadly, some salads are actually more caloric than a loaded burger with a side of fries…those certainly won’t do you any favors on the scale. And if you hate salads and they leave you feeling completely unsatisfied, they can actually be counterproductive. If you view these diet staples as bland, boring “rabbit food”, you certainly shouldn’t feel obligated to include them in your meal plan. Find more interesting lunch and dinner options that excite your taste buds and satisfy your appetite. You’ll stick with your diet longer if you’re enjoying what you’re eating.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Blow Hard

If you're playing football, you're wearing black uniforms, and you can gain 50 yards of field position by simply choosing to touch the ball while it rolls on the ground, would you? Me too. So... what were they thinking? Evidence that being sensible has officially ceased being cool.

Share Alike

Bought my first batch of individual stocks yesterday! After reading enough about Warren Buffett to buy into the value-based investment approach of Berkshire Hathaway, I tapped into their class B shares. Their annual return of about 7% a year over the last ten years easily topped the S&P 500's treading water with negligible growth. 125 @ $80.48. The impact of every 1% of investment return makes a tremendous difference upon retirement assets. Hopefully boarding the bandwagon of America's most famous investor will get the train to the station!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Schwarzenegger Veils Future Plans

Shortly after Jerry Brown reclaimed the Democratic governorship of California, outgoing Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger was vague in commenting on life after his high-profile term.

He expressed disappointment at the longstanding failure of Congress to pass significant legislation, making reference to a "Skynet Funding Bill" that should have been enacted "13 years ago." [No such bill is on record.]

"There is no fate but what we make," Schwarzenegger explained without prompting. Agitated by a reporter's follow-up interpretation of a possible presidential bid, he ranted for several minutes about the future of mankind and an apparent dark horse candidate named John Connor.

"Afghanistan will not matter. Pakistan will not matter. Deficits will mean nothing," he asserted with increasingly strained voice before describing semi-coherently a scenario which sounded borderline apocalyptic. He used the occasion to reiterate with great volume his painfully consistent position on technological spending, most recently frustrated by a "no" referendum against Proposition 54 which would have replaced most governmental positions with "robots or machines of this nature" within ten years.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Guy On Billboard Wins Election

The newly elected Illinois governor celebrated the historic victory in typically understated fashion via press release.

"I'd like to thank my campaign committee for waiting until the last possible moment to register my candidacy and to post billboards all around the state, before any of my opponents had time to post negative ads. I'd also like to thank the voters for desponding over the mud slung by the remaining candidates against each other. The mandate is clear. Take care, talk to you in 2016!"

Inability To Logic Dooms Ex-Pitcher

Fox Sports broadcaster Ron Darling succumbed to street crime Sunday evening.

Long time co-workers such as baseball television analyst Joe Buck were stunned at news of the fatal assault. Following the San Francisco Giants' 4-0 victory in Arlington, Texas over the hometown Rangers to take a commanding 3-1 World Series lead, Buck and Darling engaged in a heated off-air exchange.

"I can’t stand the phrase 'missing bats' as applied to pitchers," Buck explained. "You know, like 'That Tim Lincecum, he really misses a lot of bats out there.' That implies that the pitcher knows the precise plane upon which the bat will be swung, and can throw his pitch accordingly to miss it - that the batter has no say in the matter. It’s just another cutesy stupid term someone came up with that no one ever questioned. Please never use this term."

Reportedly Darling, a former World Series winning pitcher himself, defended the cliche with a flurry of emotion and gestures disconnected from the actual meaning of the expression. Shortly afterward, realizing that he was short of cash and hungry with the clock approaching midnight, he stormed off to go "find some wallets."

Police arrived on the scene a half hour later as his attackers finished their work.

"He was smart enough to know where muggers congregated in the alleys," Buck wondered aloud. "But he must have thought that he could simply reach into their pockets and grab the wallets, with no resistance. Would a monkey even have done that?"

Fox released a statement today announcing simple logic tests to be incorporated into their personnel procedures effective immediately. Later this afternoon, ex-catcher Tim McCarver resigned his position in the booth.