This post is dedicated to the army of Americans who spend an hour pricing $50 worth of goods.
From this web site: www.yardsalequeen.com/customers.htm
My best friend and I have a yardsale every year and have had some real winners for customers:
- like the group of women who ripped every tag off the clothing trying to trick us in letting them pay less, little did they know they were all priced the same
- one woman who became angry when we wouldn't lower the price of an antique bowl and threw it on the concrete
- one woman who stepped into the backyard to try on a blouse she wanted to buy and when she laid her own blouse down, the dog ran away with it
and my least favorite customer of all is a tv and radio repairman who wants to haggle over every electrical appliance until all you want him to do is get out of the yard!
Friday, May 30, 2008
Credit Course
"Cooperation is a priority of good leadership. The only thing that's not shared is blame. A strong leader accepts blame and gives credit." -- John Wooden
My caveat would be that the blame and credit should be accurate. Taking blame when you were not at fault reduces your credibility, as well as the accountability of others who may not otherwise learn it. The key might be to be avoiding public blaming of others, no matter how "justified" it seems.
My caveat would be that the blame and credit should be accurate. Taking blame when you were not at fault reduces your credibility, as well as the accountability of others who may not otherwise learn it. The key might be to be avoiding public blaming of others, no matter how "justified" it seems.
The Naked Truth
"Why is it so difficult and uncomfortable to be naked? It's because when you have clothes on, you can always make those little adjustments that people love to do. Hitching, straightening, adjusting. You know, you feel like you're getting it together. 'Yeah, pretty good. Feeling good, feeling pretty good.' But when you're naked, it's so final. You're just, 'Well, this is it. There's nothing else I can do.' That's why I like to wear a belt when I'm naked. I feel it gives me something. I'd like to get pockets to hand off the belt. Wouldn't that be the ultimate thing? Picture that. To be naked and still be able to put your hands in your pockets. I think that would really help a lot." -- Jerry Seinfeld
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Assistant Coach
Well what do you know? I have a volunteer to be my assistant basketball coach at the YMCA next fall!
I often mention to people that I'd been in the market for someone to join me. A lot of things have to intersect in order to find the right person, though:
1. Likes kids enough to coach them.
2. Does not have kids of his own, i.e. actually has free time.
3. Confident enough to coach.
4. Willing to assist, rather than to be "in charge."
5. Humble enough to work with me, rather than competing with me.
I was visiting with a co-worker who's a young employee in the Actuarial Department. Without prompting, he offered his services. I think we have potential to work really well together. Plus, he actually played forward in school, and those are the skills that I'm least familiar with.
Through the years I've learned to appreciate the gradual march to success through a series of small, significant steps. This could be one!
I often mention to people that I'd been in the market for someone to join me. A lot of things have to intersect in order to find the right person, though:
1. Likes kids enough to coach them.
2. Does not have kids of his own, i.e. actually has free time.
3. Confident enough to coach.
4. Willing to assist, rather than to be "in charge."
5. Humble enough to work with me, rather than competing with me.
I was visiting with a co-worker who's a young employee in the Actuarial Department. Without prompting, he offered his services. I think we have potential to work really well together. Plus, he actually played forward in school, and those are the skills that I'm least familiar with.
Through the years I've learned to appreciate the gradual march to success through a series of small, significant steps. This could be one!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Deer to be Different
There's a scheduling conflict for Leadership McLean County. The Friday session entitled "The Prairie on the Other Side," which studies law enforcement, lands on November 21 -- the first day of deer hunting season. Brandi, the chair of that session, is married to a police officer, and unfortunately he and some co-workers will be out there shooting, which ties up people who'd otherwise be able to present.
Time to think outside the box. Some alternatives:
1. Nov. 21 - "Assassination on the Prairie" - The day will be spent hunting deer with members of our local police departments, discussing (very quietly) leadership themes such as aiming for goals, focusing on the task at hand, patience and watching your back.
2. Nov. 21 - "Crime on the Prairie" - Since most of the police departments will be hunting deer, the morning will be spent planning a crime, and the afternoon committing it. Leadership themes such as strategy and execution (the non-homicidal type) will be discussed. Depending on the day's success, the group may be visited by the McLean County Coroner.
Time to think outside the box. Some alternatives:
1. Nov. 21 - "Assassination on the Prairie" - The day will be spent hunting deer with members of our local police departments, discussing (very quietly) leadership themes such as aiming for goals, focusing on the task at hand, patience and watching your back.
2. Nov. 21 - "Crime on the Prairie" - Since most of the police departments will be hunting deer, the morning will be spent planning a crime, and the afternoon committing it. Leadership themes such as strategy and execution (the non-homicidal type) will be discussed. Depending on the day's success, the group may be visited by the McLean County Coroner.
What's Right is What's Right
"As a leader you must be sincerely committed to what's right, rather than who's right." -- John Wooden
I once had a boss who e-mailed to me that rumors were circulating based on my actions, and asked me to change my behavior in response. My human instinct was to prove my innocence, and it took a few minutes to settle down and think more clearly. In the big picture did it really matter whether or not I was right (who started the rumor, what actions were referred to, etc.)? What was more important was right action going forward. During my next scheduled meeting with the boss, I laid out a handful of actions I'd done which might have started the rumor (one of which involved placing a photo of Dena and me on my desk!). To me, each was clearly not an improper move, but I didn't give my opinion -- I just waited for his response.
Had I defended my actions and set a negative tone, perhaps he'd have felt compelled to defend his source. Perhaps he'd have come up with other actions that I'd overlooked, causing more face to be lost.
What happened was that he took my side, revealing his source and the report he received in detail!
The more I try to practice the art of neutrality, of just sticking to the facts and focusing on the greater good, the more sunny results continue to happen.
I once had a boss who e-mailed to me that rumors were circulating based on my actions, and asked me to change my behavior in response. My human instinct was to prove my innocence, and it took a few minutes to settle down and think more clearly. In the big picture did it really matter whether or not I was right (who started the rumor, what actions were referred to, etc.)? What was more important was right action going forward. During my next scheduled meeting with the boss, I laid out a handful of actions I'd done which might have started the rumor (one of which involved placing a photo of Dena and me on my desk!). To me, each was clearly not an improper move, but I didn't give my opinion -- I just waited for his response.
Had I defended my actions and set a negative tone, perhaps he'd have felt compelled to defend his source. Perhaps he'd have come up with other actions that I'd overlooked, causing more face to be lost.
What happened was that he took my side, revealing his source and the report he received in detail!
The more I try to practice the art of neutrality, of just sticking to the facts and focusing on the greater good, the more sunny results continue to happen.
Gaining Loyalty
"Loyalty comes when those you lead see and experience that your concern for their interests and welfare goes beyond simply calculating what they can do for you." -- John Wooden
That's why it's such a blessing to be a person who better giving than receiving. Some people find greatest pleasure in bringing smiles to others' faces. The irony is that these people who earn loyalty most easily, are also the ones who demand it the least.
The easiest gift in the world to give, besides a smile, is a parking spot. You know, when you're about to leave a crowded lot with no spaces, and someone's circling desperately. You wave to catch their attention, then march like a pied piper to your car and drive away as their happy-meter hits the top of the scale.
That's why it's such a blessing to be a person who better giving than receiving. Some people find greatest pleasure in bringing smiles to others' faces. The irony is that these people who earn loyalty most easily, are also the ones who demand it the least.
The easiest gift in the world to give, besides a smile, is a parking spot. You know, when you're about to leave a crowded lot with no spaces, and someone's circling desperately. You wave to catch their attention, then march like a pied piper to your car and drive away as their happy-meter hits the top of the scale.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Mom's Left Hip
Mom's safely at home, resting from left hip replacement surgery. It leaves her unable to bend over for at least a couple of months. She's got next door neighbors, friends, family and nurses to help out, but still... it's easy to take for granted the ability to do simple acts like lifting legs to get into bed, or picking up a dropped piece of paper. The relative freedom from carefully planning a trip across the kitchen, or from going to the bathroom and feeling jarring pain the whole way, is one worth celebrating.
Influential People
"[People] who want to help, for no other reason than because they like to help, turns out to be an awfully effective way of getting someone's attention [when they make recommendations." -- Malcolm Gladwell
Think of that person -- we all seem to know at least one -- who is a fountain of information, so much so that it borders on useless trivia. If that person shares for the genuine purpose of helping out, rather than showing me how smart he is, I'm going to give him a lot of credibility. It's the same reason that I shopped the Consumer Reports when choosing my first car.
To gain influence, first gain a spirit of helpfulness.
Think of that person -- we all seem to know at least one -- who is a fountain of information, so much so that it borders on useless trivia. If that person shares for the genuine purpose of helping out, rather than showing me how smart he is, I'm going to give him a lot of credibility. It's the same reason that I shopped the Consumer Reports when choosing my first car.
To gain influence, first gain a spirit of helpfulness.
The Strength of Weak Ties
"In his classic 1974 study Getting a Job, Granovetter looked at several hundred professional and technical workers from the Boston suburb of Newton, interviewing them in some detail on their employment history. He found that 56 percent of those he talked to found their job through a personal connection... [C]uriously, Granovetter found that of those personal connections, the majority were 'weak ties.'"
The underlying theory is that people to whom we're tied strongly will dwell in the same circles as us. As a result, when branching out to new areas, it helps to have those casual acquaintances who have different connections from us. As a blogger, I'd also suggest that these types of friends keep the spice in life, opening unique doors (like hypnotherapy...) that would otherwise stay hidden behind the hedges.
That's what makes organizations like churches, Rotary Club, or sports teams so valuable... means to get exposure to people with one common interest, but a broad cross-section of other interests that complement our own.
The underlying theory is that people to whom we're tied strongly will dwell in the same circles as us. As a result, when branching out to new areas, it helps to have those casual acquaintances who have different connections from us. As a blogger, I'd also suggest that these types of friends keep the spice in life, opening unique doors (like hypnotherapy...) that would otherwise stay hidden behind the hedges.
That's what makes organizations like churches, Rotary Club, or sports teams so valuable... means to get exposure to people with one common interest, but a broad cross-section of other interests that complement our own.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
230 Miles Per Gallon
At $4 a gallon, driving 12,000 miles per year, at 25 miles per gallon, your annual gas cost is $1,920.
If you got 230 miles per gallon, you'd save more than $1,000 per year. So if your car lasted 10 years, you'd be willing to shell out an extra $10,000 for such a car and still break even.
Food for thought... coming in 2008...
http://auto.howstuffworks.com/aptera-hybrid.htm
If you got 230 miles per gallon, you'd save more than $1,000 per year. So if your car lasted 10 years, you'd be willing to shell out an extra $10,000 for such a car and still break even.
Food for thought... coming in 2008...
http://auto.howstuffworks.com/aptera-hybrid.htm
Secret Campaign Messages
In such a busy presidential campaign year, do candidates hide secret messages in their speeches? Bold-faced pen in hand, I searched one recently from Barack Obama.
"I am the son of a black man from Kenya and a white woman from Kansas. I was raised with the help of a white grandfather who survived a Depression to serve in Patton’s Army during World War II and a white grandmother who worked on a bomber assembly line at Fort Leavenworth while he was overseas. I’ve gone to some of the best schools in America and lived in one of the world’s poorest nations. I am married to a black American who carries within her the blood of slaves and slaveowners – an inheritance we pass on to our two precious daughters. I have brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, uncles and cousins, of every race and every hue, scattered across three continents, and for as long as I live, I will never forget that in no other country on Earth is my story even possible.
It’s a story that hasn’t made me the most conventional candidate. But it is a story that has seared into my genetic makeup the idea that this nation is more than the sum of its parts – that out of many, we are truly one.
Throughout the first year of this campaign, against all predictions to the contrary, we saw how hungry the American people were for this message of unity. Despite the temptation to view my candidacy through a purely racial lens, we won commanding victories in states with some of the whitest populations in the country. In South Carolina, where the Confederate Flag still flies, we built a powerful coalition of African Americans and white Americans."
We'll have to keep a close eye on him.
"I am the son of a black man from Kenya and a white woman from Kansas. I was raised with the help of a white grandfather who survived a Depression to serve in Patton’s Army during World War II and a white grandmother who worked on a bomber assembly line at Fort Leavenworth while he was overseas. I’ve gone to some of the best schools in America and lived in one of the world’s poorest nations. I am married to a black American who carries within her the blood of slaves and slaveowners – an inheritance we pass on to our two precious daughters. I have brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, uncles and cousins, of every race and every hue, scattered across three continents, and for as long as I live, I will never forget that in no other country on Earth is my story even possible.
It’s a story that hasn’t made me the most conventional candidate. But it is a story that has seared into my genetic makeup the idea that this nation is more than the sum of its parts – that out of many, we are truly one.
Throughout the first year of this campaign, against all predictions to the contrary, we saw how hungry the American people were for this message of unity. Despite the temptation to view my candidacy through a purely racial lens, we won commanding victories in states with some of the whitest populations in the country. In South Carolina, where the Confederate Flag still flies, we built a powerful coalition of African Americans and white Americans."
We'll have to keep a close eye on him.
A Cream Getaway
From the Daily Herald:
A man who had been pulled over and ticketed by police ran backward up and onto a squad car, apparently in his haste to drive off.
Henry Raskin, 70, had been pulled over by an officer for driving 58 mph in a 35 mph zone.
The officer wrote the ticket and returned to the car, and Raskin got ready to drive away. Except he want flying backward.
"He apparently was going to pull away at a high rate of speed, but the only problem was that he was in reverse," the officer said.
He said Raskin was not happy about getting a ticket. He said polices are reviewing the squad car videotape to see what Raskin might also be charged with.
Raskin was taken to to Northwest Community Hospital as a precaution.
Police don't believe Raskin has any medical conditions that could have led to the crash. Raskin's age also didn't seem to play a factor, he said.
The officer, a 20-year veteran of the police department, was not injured, but his car will be out of service for a while.
"He ended up with the left rear wheel of the car coming through his windshield, about 6 inches from his face," the police spokesperson said. "Luckily, he was not injured."
A man who had been pulled over and ticketed by police ran backward up and onto a squad car, apparently in his haste to drive off.
Henry Raskin, 70, had been pulled over by an officer for driving 58 mph in a 35 mph zone.
The officer wrote the ticket and returned to the car, and Raskin got ready to drive away. Except he want flying backward.
"He apparently was going to pull away at a high rate of speed, but the only problem was that he was in reverse," the officer said.
He said Raskin was not happy about getting a ticket. He said polices are reviewing the squad car videotape to see what Raskin might also be charged with.
Raskin was taken to to Northwest Community Hospital as a precaution.
Police don't believe Raskin has any medical conditions that could have led to the crash. Raskin's age also didn't seem to play a factor, he said.
The officer, a 20-year veteran of the police department, was not injured, but his car will be out of service for a while.
"He ended up with the left rear wheel of the car coming through his windshield, about 6 inches from his face," the police spokesperson said. "Luckily, he was not injured."
Friday, May 23, 2008
Facebook, MySpace, and a Modest Proposal
As part of the mission, it seemed logical to promote Hidden Blog through Facebook and MySpace, two of the more popular social e-networks today. So I got that all set up, including to invite a couple of "friends," which means existing friends of mine who now know that I'm registered.
The good news is that I quickly attracted attention. The bad news is that it was for the wrong reason:
"How's it going?
I felt lonely and decided to borrow my best-friend's account and see what this site offered in terms of single guys. I'm sure delighted I did! I saw your profile page and my woman's intuition kicked in. We could be a match, I think. I'm looking for a fun, relaxed guy who wants to date (as opposed to jumping in the sack only). I'm young, sexy and in very good shape. I work out often but I'm not obsessive about it. I also like watching tv and going to the movies. I also love chocolate and ice cream. I hope you'll contact me ask me about my hello kitty tattoo.
Bye baby!"
Evidently I didn't completely fill out my profile, so it defaulted me to Single. Or, maybe, this is just my first taste of spam and was one of a million guys to get this. At any rate, this one will have to go into the discard pile.
That is, unless you are a faithful reader of similar profile but single. If so, she gave me her e-mail address... :)
The good news is that I quickly attracted attention. The bad news is that it was for the wrong reason:
"How's it going?
I felt lonely and decided to borrow my best-friend's account and see what this site offered in terms of single guys. I'm sure delighted I did! I saw your profile page and my woman's intuition kicked in. We could be a match, I think. I'm looking for a fun, relaxed guy who wants to date (as opposed to jumping in the sack only). I'm young, sexy and in very good shape. I work out often but I'm not obsessive about it. I also like watching tv and going to the movies. I also love chocolate and ice cream. I hope you'll contact me ask me about my hello kitty tattoo.
Bye baby!"
Evidently I didn't completely fill out my profile, so it defaulted me to Single. Or, maybe, this is just my first taste of spam and was one of a million guys to get this. At any rate, this one will have to go into the discard pile.
That is, unless you are a faithful reader of similar profile but single. If so, she gave me her e-mail address... :)
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Challenge of the Super-Duper Friends
Regardless of your political affiliation, those of you who ever saw the cartoon "Challenge of the Superfriends" will appreciate the artistic quality of this spoof:
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/play/57819/
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/play/57819/
Good Job
Today while I was waiting for Mom to be checked out of the hospital I stood lazily, gazing down the hallway, and noticed a lady in a shower cap. After watching her for a few seconds it was clear that she was a custodian, heading in to clean a patient's restroom. Considering the general inability of hospital patients to care for themselves, I figured that to be one messy job. I remembered a friend who lost a desk job and could only find work as a CNA - the folks in the hospitals who change bedpans among other things. His words were "This is the worst paying job I've had in my life, and it's the longest and hardest I've had to work in my life." He was in his fifties, and had been an executive for a medium-sized company.
Then I got to thinking about how dull or rough I perceive my job to be sometimes, and then about how extremely grateful I'd be if I were just handed my current job after having worked in one of these hospital positions. I mean, I'd be off the charts thankful, for a whole litany of reasons.
So much of life is the way we look at it. Perspective is everything.
Then I got to thinking about how dull or rough I perceive my job to be sometimes, and then about how extremely grateful I'd be if I were just handed my current job after having worked in one of these hospital positions. I mean, I'd be off the charts thankful, for a whole litany of reasons.
So much of life is the way we look at it. Perspective is everything.
Working for Ad Libbing
Courtesy of Dona:
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny..... Read all his answers they are GREAT!!!
DESIRED POSITION : Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY : $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION : Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD : Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY : A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT : My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING : It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK : Any.
PREFERRED HOURS : 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER ?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION ?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE ?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS ?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE ....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny..... Read all his answers they are GREAT!!!
DESIRED POSITION : Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY : $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION : Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD : Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY : A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT : My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING : It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK : Any.
PREFERRED HOURS : 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER ?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION ?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE ?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS ?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE ....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Colognes Encounter
As I'm strolling in from the parking lot to see Iron Man, I hear a sing-song voice call out "Hi there!" I look up and see a gorgeous blond woman trotting toward me from the other side of the road, and away from a ruggedly handsome looking guy. Clearly she means to talk to me, stopping in front of me with a wide smile. Rewound fifteen years ago, this scene would have been the stuff of legend.
Then she tries to sell me cologne. I mean, really wants to sell me cologne.
"Check this out," she says, offering me a whiff of a multi-syllabled spray, explaining that it's oil-based so to rub it in a little, pointing out its popularity and its retail value of $65 but for me it's just $20 OK?
"Well, actually, I tend to pick my cologne based on what my wife likes..."
Misinterpreting my point, she bubbled on as if she knew the whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa.
"What kind does your wife like to wear?"
She had me there. Once it's scratched off the Christmas list, that information nestles behind the cells in my brain that memorized the Gettysburg Address.
"Well, she tends to buy me CK One..."
Not good enough.
"No, I mean what does she like to wear?"
"Actually, I don't know," applying another scent she'd thrust into my hand and becoming vaguely unsettled about the oncoming traffic.
"Does she like more of a clean or sweet scent?"
Before I could answer:
"She probably likes clean. My brother likes clean, and he's about your age, he's 27."
She was pulling out every trick from Streetwalking Cosmetology Sales 101. I had a date with Iron Man, and by now Aeropostale dude had caught up so I knew that she would be in good hands. For example, he began to lead her out of traffic. I made a mental note not to sniff my hands further until I got home, as a precaution against catching whatever she had...
Then she tries to sell me cologne. I mean, really wants to sell me cologne.
"Check this out," she says, offering me a whiff of a multi-syllabled spray, explaining that it's oil-based so to rub it in a little, pointing out its popularity and its retail value of $65 but for me it's just $20 OK?
"Well, actually, I tend to pick my cologne based on what my wife likes..."
Misinterpreting my point, she bubbled on as if she knew the whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa.
"What kind does your wife like to wear?"
She had me there. Once it's scratched off the Christmas list, that information nestles behind the cells in my brain that memorized the Gettysburg Address.
"Well, she tends to buy me CK One..."
Not good enough.
"No, I mean what does she like to wear?"
"Actually, I don't know," applying another scent she'd thrust into my hand and becoming vaguely unsettled about the oncoming traffic.
"Does she like more of a clean or sweet scent?"
Before I could answer:
"She probably likes clean. My brother likes clean, and he's about your age, he's 27."
She was pulling out every trick from Streetwalking Cosmetology Sales 101. I had a date with Iron Man, and by now Aeropostale dude had caught up so I knew that she would be in good hands. For example, he began to lead her out of traffic. I made a mental note not to sniff my hands further until I got home, as a precaution against catching whatever she had...
Iron Man
I got to see the movie Iron Man tonight. Me and six other people. Six other strangers, that is -- the entire attendance. I called left side, since it's my favorite section, and they all respected it. Maybe because of my overwhelming cool. Or maybe because I was the only guy there by myself.
Anyway, if you liked any of the Spiderman movies, do not see this one -- the romantic element is mostly absent save for occasional wisps of boss-employee flirtation. If you liked Batman, which was more about taking out the bad guy, then tune in... high action, right ending.
Though somehow I can't help but feel his reign will be short-lived. I mean, high school chemistry students know how to defeat iron. If magnets are your arch enemies, you've got serious superhero issues.
Anyway, if you liked any of the Spiderman movies, do not see this one -- the romantic element is mostly absent save for occasional wisps of boss-employee flirtation. If you liked Batman, which was more about taking out the bad guy, then tune in... high action, right ending.
Though somehow I can't help but feel his reign will be short-lived. I mean, high school chemistry students know how to defeat iron. If magnets are your arch enemies, you've got serious superhero issues.
The Bulls Are #1!
Against incredible odds, the Bulls won the rights to make the first pick in the NBA draft on June 26.
The NBA draft lottery is like any other lottery, with ping-pong balls bouncing around randomly to determine the draft order. The worse a team's record was during the regular season, the higher their odds are of getting a top pick.
The Bulls had the 9th worst record overall, which gave them a 1.7% chance of being team #1. By comparison, the Miami Heat had a 25% chance, yet ended up with the 2nd draft pick -- still darn good, but nearly as exciting as Chicago's prospects.
Now the burning question is who they should pick? The consensus top two players are point guard Derrick Rose -- a Chicago native, and forward Michael Beasley.
On paper, Beasley makes the most sense financially and logistically. The Bulls have suffered without a true scoring forward for most of a decade, and have several years' worth of money tied up in two other point guards already.
Still, the grapevine I hear on Beasley is a certain unpredictability in his desire. At the pro level, where things come far less easily than a lesser-regarded midwestern collegiate conference, that can be a recipe for a major drop-off. I vote for the guy who led his team all the way to the national title game, as well as a high school state championship. Oh, and an upset victory against a high school national powerhouse featuring Sports Illustrated's "it" prospect, O.J. Mayo.
Let's make life Rosey!
The NBA draft lottery is like any other lottery, with ping-pong balls bouncing around randomly to determine the draft order. The worse a team's record was during the regular season, the higher their odds are of getting a top pick.
The Bulls had the 9th worst record overall, which gave them a 1.7% chance of being team #1. By comparison, the Miami Heat had a 25% chance, yet ended up with the 2nd draft pick -- still darn good, but nearly as exciting as Chicago's prospects.
Now the burning question is who they should pick? The consensus top two players are point guard Derrick Rose -- a Chicago native, and forward Michael Beasley.
On paper, Beasley makes the most sense financially and logistically. The Bulls have suffered without a true scoring forward for most of a decade, and have several years' worth of money tied up in two other point guards already.
Still, the grapevine I hear on Beasley is a certain unpredictability in his desire. At the pro level, where things come far less easily than a lesser-regarded midwestern collegiate conference, that can be a recipe for a major drop-off. I vote for the guy who led his team all the way to the national title game, as well as a high school state championship. Oh, and an upset victory against a high school national powerhouse featuring Sports Illustrated's "it" prospect, O.J. Mayo.
Let's make life Rosey!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Poetry Commotion
Jack told me about this woman poet whose odd verses they stumbled upon. For example, take this poem which is evidently about famed racehorses Barbaro and Eight Belles:
"Music In Rainbows"
From God's Loving Heart
The Most Beautiful Rainbow Barbaro
His Wings Of Love
Eight Belles Glowing Angel
The Heart Of The Rainbow
Barbaro's So, So So Beautiful Angels Here
Musical Notes In The Sky
In Halos
Churchill Sounds Singing
Barbaro's Halo Is Glowing So, So Beautifully So
All The Colors Of The Rainbow
The Circle Of Love
In Hearts
In Roses
In Halos
The Circle Of Angels
Angel Mothers
Caring Hearts
Reaching Another
Inspiring
The Rainbow Of Music
So, So Beautiful Songs
The Words That Mean A Lot
Joy.........8.......Halos......Two Hearts......Connected In
Love......Divine Love.......Affirmed Rainbows........
Sacred Prayers........Affirmed Prayers.......
God And The Angels Are With You.......
Jesus......Barbaro's Angels
His Rainbow Of Love.......Affirmed
Alrighty, then. I tried to imagine how she might describe trash day.
"Fountains of Eternity"
Thrust, To Heaven
Sing The Sun
Glory Down
Broken Eggshells
Rise Forth, Be
...My Nose
...Stench
Grass Soft As Silk
Clippings
Blessings of God
Hefty Bags
Grunt, Lift, Toss
Grinding Motors
Rubbish Once
Compost Eternally
Come Next Wednesday
Whatever!
"Music In Rainbows"
From God's Loving Heart
The Most Beautiful Rainbow Barbaro
His Wings Of Love
Eight Belles Glowing Angel
The Heart Of The Rainbow
Barbaro's So, So So Beautiful Angels Here
Musical Notes In The Sky
In Halos
Churchill Sounds Singing
Barbaro's Halo Is Glowing So, So Beautifully So
All The Colors Of The Rainbow
The Circle Of Love
In Hearts
In Roses
In Halos
The Circle Of Angels
Angel Mothers
Caring Hearts
Reaching Another
Inspiring
The Rainbow Of Music
So, So Beautiful Songs
The Words That Mean A Lot
Joy.........8.......Halos......Two Hearts......Connected In
Love......Divine Love.......Affirmed Rainbows........
Sacred Prayers........Affirmed Prayers.......
God And The Angels Are With You.......
Jesus......Barbaro's Angels
His Rainbow Of Love.......Affirmed
Alrighty, then. I tried to imagine how she might describe trash day.
"Fountains of Eternity"
Thrust, To Heaven
Sing The Sun
Glory Down
Broken Eggshells
Rise Forth, Be
...My Nose
...Stench
Grass Soft As Silk
Clippings
Blessings of God
Hefty Bags
Grunt, Lift, Toss
Grinding Motors
Rubbish Once
Compost Eternally
Come Next Wednesday
Whatever!
A Memorable Birthday - Barely
This morning after sleeping in, I strolled outside to do a few chores around Mom's house. As the only tenant, there's no rush -- move some trash, clean the gutters. After a shower, I noticed the voice mail light blinking on the cell phone. The message surprised me.
"Happy birthday sweetie!" Dena's voice chimed.
I checked the clock: 11:55. Got to be some kind of record for forgetting my own birthday. Fortunately, I wouldn't have made it the whole day anyway:
1. Mom gave me a card when I visited her.
2. Jack remembered his well wishes in the last two seconds of a fifteen minute phone call.
3. My old buddy Matt West left a voice message at 9:45 p.m.
4. Matt's mom left me a voice message at 10:15 p.m.
5. Dona e-mailed at 11:30 p.m.
If I were the sort of person interested in legacies, then this would be a prime time to start planning -- at 36, I'm more than halfway through the life span of all of my immediate male relatives. But even though the trends suggest that I've about 30 years to live and will spend 20 of them working, I'm pleased to say that there's no mid-life crisis on the horizon. The job is great, our family ties are strong, we're doing what we love, and we have freedom beyond most people's wildest dreams. When every day feels like a gift, what more is a birthday?
"Happy birthday sweetie!" Dena's voice chimed.
I checked the clock: 11:55. Got to be some kind of record for forgetting my own birthday. Fortunately, I wouldn't have made it the whole day anyway:
1. Mom gave me a card when I visited her.
2. Jack remembered his well wishes in the last two seconds of a fifteen minute phone call.
3. My old buddy Matt West left a voice message at 9:45 p.m.
4. Matt's mom left me a voice message at 10:15 p.m.
5. Dona e-mailed at 11:30 p.m.
If I were the sort of person interested in legacies, then this would be a prime time to start planning -- at 36, I'm more than halfway through the life span of all of my immediate male relatives. But even though the trends suggest that I've about 30 years to live and will spend 20 of them working, I'm pleased to say that there's no mid-life crisis on the horizon. The job is great, our family ties are strong, we're doing what we love, and we have freedom beyond most people's wildest dreams. When every day feels like a gift, what more is a birthday?
A Shocker
So I get into the empty elevator at Mom's hospital. Reader's Digest in hand, I start reading an article as the cable descends a floor. At the next landing, a mid-twenties guy steps on.
Have you ever been able to sense that someone wants to interrupt you? Me too. I put on an especially interested face, as though the article were outlying a cure for all cancers using only water and table salt.
"My aunt," says Guy. Even out of my peripheral vision, I can tell he's looking squarely at me. So I oblige by looking up. A run-of-the-mill partially shaved dude in worn jeans, he doesn't look especially threatening or interesting, except for his inexplicable urge to reveal part of his family tree to me.
I quickly skim the possible scenarios:
1. He is about to tell me something about his aunt.
2. He thinks I might be a fellow spy and is speaking to me in code.
3. He thinks that I am his aunt.
Fortunately, the response for all three is to stare in silence.
"Always asking me to do things. This pen," he says, holding it toward me with a smile.
This eliminates none of the scenarios. In fact it adds a fourth:
4. He is looking for an excuse to stab someone with a pen.
I take the pen as if interested, so as to reduce the options back to three. He suggests that I try it out, but after a few clicks no writing tip emerges.
"Don't tell me it doesn't work!" he says with mild annoyance. "It's supposed to be one of those pens that shocks you."
5. He is looking for an excuse to electrically shock a stranger in an elevator, who might or might not have a pacemaker in his chest that could be tipped into a massive coronary.
The elevator door opens at my stop, and I return the pen. I notice that this is the floor for the mental health ward. He doesn't follow me. Somehow, I'm not surprised.
Have you ever been able to sense that someone wants to interrupt you? Me too. I put on an especially interested face, as though the article were outlying a cure for all cancers using only water and table salt.
"My aunt," says Guy. Even out of my peripheral vision, I can tell he's looking squarely at me. So I oblige by looking up. A run-of-the-mill partially shaved dude in worn jeans, he doesn't look especially threatening or interesting, except for his inexplicable urge to reveal part of his family tree to me.
I quickly skim the possible scenarios:
1. He is about to tell me something about his aunt.
2. He thinks I might be a fellow spy and is speaking to me in code.
3. He thinks that I am his aunt.
Fortunately, the response for all three is to stare in silence.
"Always asking me to do things. This pen," he says, holding it toward me with a smile.
This eliminates none of the scenarios. In fact it adds a fourth:
4. He is looking for an excuse to stab someone with a pen.
I take the pen as if interested, so as to reduce the options back to three. He suggests that I try it out, but after a few clicks no writing tip emerges.
"Don't tell me it doesn't work!" he says with mild annoyance. "It's supposed to be one of those pens that shocks you."
5. He is looking for an excuse to electrically shock a stranger in an elevator, who might or might not have a pacemaker in his chest that could be tipped into a massive coronary.
The elevator door opens at my stop, and I return the pen. I notice that this is the floor for the mental health ward. He doesn't follow me. Somehow, I'm not surprised.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Mom's Hip Replacement
Mom's surgery was scheduled for 12:15 this afternoon.
11:00 Arrived at Central Dupage Hospital, as required. Notified that we'd be admitted to the pre-op area in a few minutes.
11:45 "A few minutes" later, summoned to pre-op.
12:15 Notified that the doctor is running 1 1/2 hours behind.
1:45 Mom notes that she's hungry. She's been required to fast since midnight.
2:45 Doctor appears, noting that the surgery should take 1 1/2 hours, and recovery an extra hour. Off she goes! Family is preferred to wait until the surgery ends.
4:45 Surgery ends. While Mom's recovering from anaesthesia, doctor gives me the post-op consultation: It went great! Much arthritis, and much fluid, removed. There's a chance that she can come right home from the hospital in a few days, without a rehab clinic stay in between.
5:00 I'm gettin' out of here. Doctor said an hour of recovery, but nurse said at least two hours. I'm betting on the nurse. I leave my phone number, they'll call me when she's ready to move.
10:00 I call the hospital. She's been moved.
In summary: Mom's successfully healing, thanks to highly-skilled and dependable medical staff -- as long as they're performing surgery and not telling time.
11:00 Arrived at Central Dupage Hospital, as required. Notified that we'd be admitted to the pre-op area in a few minutes.
11:45 "A few minutes" later, summoned to pre-op.
12:15 Notified that the doctor is running 1 1/2 hours behind.
1:45 Mom notes that she's hungry. She's been required to fast since midnight.
2:45 Doctor appears, noting that the surgery should take 1 1/2 hours, and recovery an extra hour. Off she goes! Family is preferred to wait until the surgery ends.
4:45 Surgery ends. While Mom's recovering from anaesthesia, doctor gives me the post-op consultation: It went great! Much arthritis, and much fluid, removed. There's a chance that she can come right home from the hospital in a few days, without a rehab clinic stay in between.
5:00 I'm gettin' out of here. Doctor said an hour of recovery, but nurse said at least two hours. I'm betting on the nurse. I leave my phone number, they'll call me when she's ready to move.
10:00 I call the hospital. She's been moved.
In summary: Mom's successfully healing, thanks to highly-skilled and dependable medical staff -- as long as they're performing surgery and not telling time.
Ergonomic Review
The physical therapist said that I should ask my employer for an ergonomic review to see if my work space could be improved, to minimize any possible strain on the old ilio lumbar ligament (my back).
Actually, there are some options. Facts:
1. As a general rule, the eyes should be 18-24 inches from the monitor. Also, the eyes should be even with the top of the monitor, to alleviate the strain of looking up while reading.
2. The forearms and wrists should be parallel, rather than the wrists being crooked up or down.
3. The feet should be flat on the floor, and the thighs parallel to the ground.
My deal:
Because the height of my desk is fixed, the only way to satisfy items #2 was to raise my chair up. Which meant violating #3, since putting my feet flat on the floor meant angling my legs slightly downward, straining the back.
Solution:
Foot rests! Actually, a couple, one for each direction that I normally face. As a bonus, since we were on the topic, I requested a new chair without arm rests. Those things just bang against the desk whenever I try to roll close. Freedom!
Actually, there are some options. Facts:
1. As a general rule, the eyes should be 18-24 inches from the monitor. Also, the eyes should be even with the top of the monitor, to alleviate the strain of looking up while reading.
2. The forearms and wrists should be parallel, rather than the wrists being crooked up or down.
3. The feet should be flat on the floor, and the thighs parallel to the ground.
My deal:
Because the height of my desk is fixed, the only way to satisfy items #2 was to raise my chair up. Which meant violating #3, since putting my feet flat on the floor meant angling my legs slightly downward, straining the back.
Solution:
Foot rests! Actually, a couple, one for each direction that I normally face. As a bonus, since we were on the topic, I requested a new chair without arm rests. Those things just bang against the desk whenever I try to roll close. Freedom!
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Germantown "Devastated" by Unthinkable Goal
Germantown, Illinois plunged into despair when its U12 soccer team's "invincible" defense was smoked for a goal by Lane Young of Goodfield in action Saturday.
The star 10-year old midfielder for Eureka found the back of the net midway through the game's first half, launching it from a few feet off the center line.
"I can stop any kick," sobbed trembling Germantown goalie Mason Waxman following their 3-1 win. "But that was a rocket..."
"I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight," added coach Kent Hartley Reed. "I don't know if anyone in town will be able to sleep tonight."
Indeed, the Germantown city council called an emergency assembly, lowering flags to half-mast after just 20 minutes of deliberation. It marked the first time the village of just over 1,000 residents had done so since an F5 tornado nearly destroyed it 1957.
"This is a devastating day for us all," quavered Mayor Marvin Johnson, Jr. in a hastily assembled press conference. "U12 defense is our town's heart and soul. A piece of us died today. Germantown will never forget this day, or Lane Young." He added that local grief counselors would be available at the school on Monday.
Goodfield and Eureka noted the historic significance in its own way, adopting an unusual joint resolution to decree "Lane Young Day" in each village.
"I'm not sure it's ever been done before," noted Goodfield Mayor Ross Hohulin of the commemoration. "And that seems fitting, since a goal like that may never happen again."
In addition to Germantown's previously perfect defensive record, the goal was all the more incredible since Eureka was playing its second match of the day.
"Not really," said Young, when asked if he felt any more tired than usual.
Nor were his teammates, who practically dog-piled him following the score.
Nor was mom Dona. "What a kick, what a goal!" she near-screamed, as the crowd freaked around her.
"(inaudible)," added extremely hoarse coach and dad Troy.
The star 10-year old midfielder for Eureka found the back of the net midway through the game's first half, launching it from a few feet off the center line.
"I can stop any kick," sobbed trembling Germantown goalie Mason Waxman following their 3-1 win. "But that was a rocket..."
"I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight," added coach Kent Hartley Reed. "I don't know if anyone in town will be able to sleep tonight."
Indeed, the Germantown city council called an emergency assembly, lowering flags to half-mast after just 20 minutes of deliberation. It marked the first time the village of just over 1,000 residents had done so since an F5 tornado nearly destroyed it 1957.
"This is a devastating day for us all," quavered Mayor Marvin Johnson, Jr. in a hastily assembled press conference. "U12 defense is our town's heart and soul. A piece of us died today. Germantown will never forget this day, or Lane Young." He added that local grief counselors would be available at the school on Monday.
Goodfield and Eureka noted the historic significance in its own way, adopting an unusual joint resolution to decree "Lane Young Day" in each village.
"I'm not sure it's ever been done before," noted Goodfield Mayor Ross Hohulin of the commemoration. "And that seems fitting, since a goal like that may never happen again."
In addition to Germantown's previously perfect defensive record, the goal was all the more incredible since Eureka was playing its second match of the day.
"Not really," said Young, when asked if he felt any more tired than usual.
Nor were his teammates, who practically dog-piled him following the score.
Nor was mom Dona. "What a kick, what a goal!" she near-screamed, as the crowd freaked around her.
"(inaudible)," added extremely hoarse coach and dad Troy.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
The Leaf
Floating a heartbeat below the surface.
Smoothly rolling end over end, curling, unfolding,
Seemly dancing easily in rhythm with the swirling water and gentle winds.
What does it feel?
Are the swirls a tempest, the winds a storm?
Does the ebb and flow tear at the fibers of its veins?
What would it say?
Perhaps that creation is what it is, to all
Forces shaping both beauty and peril,
And we left to choose,
To rage against the current and the night,
Or to live the dance, a salve for the soul whose eyes fall upon us.
Smoothly rolling end over end, curling, unfolding,
Seemly dancing easily in rhythm with the swirling water and gentle winds.
What does it feel?
Are the swirls a tempest, the winds a storm?
Does the ebb and flow tear at the fibers of its veins?
What would it say?
Perhaps that creation is what it is, to all
Forces shaping both beauty and peril,
And we left to choose,
To rage against the current and the night,
Or to live the dance, a salve for the soul whose eyes fall upon us.
It Takes Two
"The two qualities of friendship so important for a leader to possess and instill in team members are respect and camaraderie." -- John Wooden
From the last post, it follows that good teams are energized when the leader respects and brightens the lives of teammates. Here the little things add up -- a cheery hello in the morning, congratulations for passing a test, asking about the children's birthday party this weekend, or donation to a fund raiser.
From the last post, it follows that good teams are energized when the leader respects and brightens the lives of teammates. Here the little things add up -- a cheery hello in the morning, congratulations for passing a test, asking about the children's birthday party this weekend, or donation to a fund raiser.
The Tool of Champions
"I believe there is no more powerful leadership tool than your own personal example. In almost every way the team ultimately becomes a reflection of their leader." -- John Wooden
Coupled with the body of evidence that even the subtlest actions -- from our posture, to our facial expressions, to the tone of our voice -- have considerable influence on others, it becomes that much more valuable for us to improve ourselves for the benefit of others.
Coupled with the body of evidence that even the subtlest actions -- from our posture, to our facial expressions, to the tone of our voice -- have considerable influence on others, it becomes that much more valuable for us to improve ourselves for the benefit of others.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Simply Because You're Near Me
A study done on students at the University of Utah found that if you ask why he is friendly with someone else, he'll say it's because he and his friend share similar attitudes. But if you actually quiz the two friends on their attitudes, you'll find that what they actually share is similar activities... We don't seek out friends, in other words. We associate with the people who occupy the same small, physical spaces that we do.
Scaredy Crowd
Researchers did a study to understand the "bystander problem" -- why is it that very good people will fail to help a person in need? What they found, surprisingly, is that the one factor above all others that predicted likelihood of helping was the number of witnesses -- ironically the more there are, the less likely anyone is to help. It's as if there's a limited amount of "hero power" present at any crime, and gets diluted with each extra witness until a large crowd is rendered virtually useless.
The lesson: If you're walking down a dark street, bring only your best friend along and ditch the rest!
The lesson: If you're walking down a dark street, bring only your best friend along and ditch the rest!
Win by Not Trying to Win
"Don't make the mistake of overemphasizing results ('increase sales by 15 percent.'). Instead, focus on on those actions that an individual needs to take in order to... execute his or her assignment (for example, spend 20 percent more time with customers)." -- John Wooden
The inherently motivating thing about that line of thinking is that it is not always possible to win the game, or reach any external goal. On the other hand, nothing can stop us from doing our best, or any number of internal goals that we might set. So we stand that much better chance of happiness by determining to shift our focus away from winning, and entirely toward being a winner.
The inherently motivating thing about that line of thinking is that it is not always possible to win the game, or reach any external goal. On the other hand, nothing can stop us from doing our best, or any number of internal goals that we might set. So we stand that much better chance of happiness by determining to shift our focus away from winning, and entirely toward being a winner.
It's Not Whether You Win or Lose...
"How you run the race -- your planning, preparation, practice, and performance -- counts for everything. Winning or losing is a by-product, an aftereffect, of that effort. For me, it's the quality of your effort that counts most and offers the greatest and most long-lasting satisfaction." -- John Wooden
That's timeless wisdom -- "Accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can change, and know the difference."
That's timeless wisdom -- "Accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can change, and know the difference."
Little Victories
Who knows why mood swings happen? Sometimes waking up grumpy, other times just getting in a slump. Observations:
1. The mood always passes eventually, so waiting out the storm out works. Often I'll sit quietly in the living room and watch T.V. to keep my mind from brooding about anything, sometimes drifting off to sleep for an energizing nap. When I catch myself feeling crabby, I let Dena know... I also refrain from making any major decisions and especially from sending e-mail.
2. I've found that little victories can speed up the turnaround time. Who'd guess that mundane things like getting a haircut or paying a bill could work so quickly? I think the feeling of accomplishment, however small, can work like a sandbag against whatever (sometimes unconscious) flood of similarly minor things created the bleak mood in the first place.
3. It's almost impossible to feel unhappy and thankful at the same time... so finding something (or a hatful of somethings) to be thankful about has been a fast remedy on many occasions.
1. The mood always passes eventually, so waiting out the storm out works. Often I'll sit quietly in the living room and watch T.V. to keep my mind from brooding about anything, sometimes drifting off to sleep for an energizing nap. When I catch myself feeling crabby, I let Dena know... I also refrain from making any major decisions and especially from sending e-mail.
2. I've found that little victories can speed up the turnaround time. Who'd guess that mundane things like getting a haircut or paying a bill could work so quickly? I think the feeling of accomplishment, however small, can work like a sandbag against whatever (sometimes unconscious) flood of similarly minor things created the bleak mood in the first place.
3. It's almost impossible to feel unhappy and thankful at the same time... so finding something (or a hatful of somethings) to be thankful about has been a fast remedy on many occasions.
New Math
Two cars head toward each other from Goodfield and Normal (30 miles apart). The SUV is traveling at 80 mph, the Saturn at 60 mph. Assuming that each maintains a constant rate of speed:
1. How long will it take for the cop hiding on the hill near the Goodfield exit to catch the SUV?
2. How long will it take for the two kids in the SUV's back seat to start arguing?
3. Why are they headed toward each other? Is there something going on in Carlock, and what in the world could be that interesting?
4. At $4 a gallon, why make the trip at all?
5. Are you seriously going to use GPS? Come on.
1. How long will it take for the cop hiding on the hill near the Goodfield exit to catch the SUV?
2. How long will it take for the two kids in the SUV's back seat to start arguing?
3. Why are they headed toward each other? Is there something going on in Carlock, and what in the world could be that interesting?
4. At $4 a gallon, why make the trip at all?
5. Are you seriously going to use GPS? Come on.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Wooden's Father
John Wooden coached UCLA's basketball team to ten national championships. In his book, "Wooden on Leadership," he gave great credit to his father:
"Sons, don't worry about whether you're better than somebody else, but never cease trying to be the best you can become. You have control over that; the other you don't."
Wooden then pointed out that his dad is better than your dad.
"Sons, don't worry about whether you're better than somebody else, but never cease trying to be the best you can become. You have control over that; the other you don't."
Wooden then pointed out that his dad is better than your dad.
Kicking the Math Habit
Fresh off of her final math exam, Dona pointed out that it would take 2.29 posts per day to reach 50 for the month. Often, by the time these symptoms of math addiction emerge, it's too late for cure. I worry for her, having succumbed myself in 1990. The only semi-reliable treatment is to wean them off slowly, with isolated problems rather than large collections. As it happens, I tutor a high school senior and have just such a problem handy.
In physics it is shown that the height 's' of a ball thrown straight up with an initial sped of 96 ft/sec from ground level is s=s(t)= -16t^2 +96t where t is the elapsed time that the ball is in the air. When does the ball strike the ground?
a) 3 seconds
b) 6 seconds
c) 16 seconds
d) What do you mean "straight up"? It can't be done!
In physics it is shown that the height 's' of a ball thrown straight up with an initial sped of 96 ft/sec from ground level is s=s(t)= -16t^2 +96t where t is the elapsed time that the ball is in the air. When does the ball strike the ground?
a) 3 seconds
b) 6 seconds
c) 16 seconds
d) What do you mean "straight up"? It can't be done!
Maybe They Should Have a Backup Plan
I asked for an X-ray just to make sure there was no structural damage in the back. A lovely young radiographer just graduated from nursery school enthusiastically beckoned me to the metal slab.
"Go ahead and lie down!" she said, with the kind of energy normally seen in lottery winners. I obeyed.
She walked to a mysterious back room, as I faced the ceiling.
"Ready... stop breathing!" I obeyed, though less quickly.
A click, then "Breathe!"
I'm thinking, what kind of ghastly incident led them to start saying THAT?
"Go ahead and lie down!" she said, with the kind of energy normally seen in lottery winners. I obeyed.
She walked to a mysterious back room, as I faced the ceiling.
"Ready... stop breathing!" I obeyed, though less quickly.
A click, then "Breathe!"
I'm thinking, what kind of ghastly incident led them to start saying THAT?
Back in Business
One of the new year's resolutions was to get the back healed. After a Saturday morning of basketball a few weeks ago left me mostly immobile for 24 hours, a friendly visit to my HMO primary care physician revealed a strain of the "ilio labrum" ligament (Latin for "real achy"). As he explained that the ligament connects the upper and lower halves of the body, I was briefly distracted by the thought of children born without that ligament, walking around with their upper torso flopping crazily from side to side and their heads bouncing off the pavement. I recovered in time to hear him prescribe more physical therapy, which was a relief.
McDonalds have a theory for everything, and mine is that an old ankle injury caused me to overcompensate with certain muscles. Over five years, that had taken its toll on the leg, and now had spread to the back. Sure enough, the therapist confirmed that my left calf muscle and ankle were extremely tight, and she gave me a series of stretches to try out.
Today, a week later, I returned. She said that my flexibility had markedly improved, and my back appeared to be in better alignment than the previous week. She said that I was "kinesthetically aware," and once I stopped crying she explained that it was actually a compliment -- meaning that I had a grasp of how my muscles worked together which was helping me to make good self-diagnoses and adjustments. It seemed true enough -- I've not had a relapse in a couple of weeks, and my confidence is growing the more I stretch and move the back around pain-free.
McDonalds have a theory for everything, and mine is that an old ankle injury caused me to overcompensate with certain muscles. Over five years, that had taken its toll on the leg, and now had spread to the back. Sure enough, the therapist confirmed that my left calf muscle and ankle were extremely tight, and she gave me a series of stretches to try out.
Today, a week later, I returned. She said that my flexibility had markedly improved, and my back appeared to be in better alignment than the previous week. She said that I was "kinesthetically aware," and once I stopped crying she explained that it was actually a compliment -- meaning that I had a grasp of how my muscles worked together which was helping me to make good self-diagnoses and adjustments. It seemed true enough -- I've not had a relapse in a couple of weeks, and my confidence is growing the more I stretch and move the back around pain-free.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Mars, Venus, or Wherever
"I think the wonderful thing about men and women is how interested we are in these people we have virtually nothing in common with. Men are obsessed with cleavage, women are obsessed with shoes. It's the exact same obsession. It doesn't matter how many times we've seen these things, every time these objects are presented to us, we have to look. We cannot not look.
To men, cleavage is like the nearest thing to a UFO landing nearby, that's what it is. To women, buying a pair of shoes that they really love is like boarding the alien ship. I think it's entirely possible that aliens have landed and they haven't been able to get our attention because we're so preoccupied with cleavage and shoes."
-- Seinfeld
To men, cleavage is like the nearest thing to a UFO landing nearby, that's what it is. To women, buying a pair of shoes that they really love is like boarding the alien ship. I think it's entirely possible that aliens have landed and they haven't been able to get our attention because we're so preoccupied with cleavage and shoes."
-- Seinfeld
The New Grad
Got to give a shout out to Dona, the newest college grad in the family! Having a degree isn't much at all about the information learned (except for certain planetarium visits). It's about the kind of inner resolve that says when things are tough, you can count on them. She didn't need a diploma to prove that to us, but no doubt others will. Those kind of achievements are the difference between being a mom and being a role model.
Every Hundred Years or So...
...the Chicago Cubs are the best team in baseball.
Check out the major league standings:
Team, Wins, Losses, Runs Scored, Runs Against
CUBS, 23, 15, 223, 161
Arizona, 23, 15, 208, 164
Florida, 23, 15, 188, 175
Yeah, baby!
Check out the major league standings:
Team, Wins, Losses, Runs Scored, Runs Against
CUBS, 23, 15, 223, 161
Arizona, 23, 15, 208, 164
Florida, 23, 15, 188, 175
Yeah, baby!
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Everyone Makes Excuses
The old saying is "everyone makes mistakes." America, are we really willing to set the bar that low? Mistakes only happen when we lose focus. Let's quit making excuses for ourselves and disgracing our forefathers. Concentrat!
Shortest Court Case in History
Heard on the radio:
"The suspect pled not guilty to being caught on tape having sex with girls as young as 13 years old..."
Wait, ignore the nature of the crime for a sec. He pled not guilty to being caught on tape?
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please observe as I push play on this VCR. See him? He is on tape. I rest my case."
"The suspect pled not guilty to being caught on tape having sex with girls as young as 13 years old..."
Wait, ignore the nature of the crime for a sec. He pled not guilty to being caught on tape?
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please observe as I push play on this VCR. See him? He is on tape. I rest my case."
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Thanks for Dona for passing this wisdom along!
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway , waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied , balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi .. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway , waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied , balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi .. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Hypnotherapy Part 3: Going Under
Rick said that in order to be hypnotized, a person has to want hypnosis. I convinced myself that I did, but it took a while to keep myself from feeling like I was part of a carnival act for a few minutes:
...I was clipped to a monitor on my palm for measuring brain activity
...the lights dimmed
...soft music began
...Rick's voice dropped to a soft glide (had to fight back smiles here)
...he asked me to place my thumb and forefinger together
...he told me to relax each part of my body, walking from my head to my soles
...slowly he counted back from 20 to 1 over the course of a couple minutes
...envision the chair wrapping around you like a cloud
...you're carried to a place where you are happy and comfortable
While I was in my happy place, he dropped in some ideas:
...repeat "every day, in every way, I am better and better"
...when I see the color red, I will recall how much better life is headed
...do my meditations twice a day
...don't meditate while driving (a fact repeated on the label of the hypno-music CD he sold me for $12)
After counting from 1 to 5, the session ended. The monitor's chart showed that after 18 minutes of relatively stable brain activity, I'd slipped fairly sharply down into level 2 hypnosis. I feel sure that I remembered the whole experience, but estimated its length to be ten minutes, not 22. In fact, the entire session including the hypnosis was 3 1/2 hours, so I'd say that my estimating was off all night!
Most of Rick's patients are in more dire straits than me, dealing with severe emotional or physical problems. While the mind and body are connected, hypnotherapy's effectiveness is varied and personal, not unlike other forms of meditation, or prayer or spirituality for that matter. I'd gained enough knowledge to get my fill -- I told him that I'd practice the techniques that brought me to level 2, and if I'm ever ready to pay for more, I'll be back!
...I was clipped to a monitor on my palm for measuring brain activity
...the lights dimmed
...soft music began
...Rick's voice dropped to a soft glide (had to fight back smiles here)
...he asked me to place my thumb and forefinger together
...he told me to relax each part of my body, walking from my head to my soles
...slowly he counted back from 20 to 1 over the course of a couple minutes
...envision the chair wrapping around you like a cloud
...you're carried to a place where you are happy and comfortable
While I was in my happy place, he dropped in some ideas:
...repeat "every day, in every way, I am better and better"
...when I see the color red, I will recall how much better life is headed
...do my meditations twice a day
...don't meditate while driving (a fact repeated on the label of the hypno-music CD he sold me for $12)
After counting from 1 to 5, the session ended. The monitor's chart showed that after 18 minutes of relatively stable brain activity, I'd slipped fairly sharply down into level 2 hypnosis. I feel sure that I remembered the whole experience, but estimated its length to be ten minutes, not 22. In fact, the entire session including the hypnosis was 3 1/2 hours, so I'd say that my estimating was off all night!
Most of Rick's patients are in more dire straits than me, dealing with severe emotional or physical problems. While the mind and body are connected, hypnotherapy's effectiveness is varied and personal, not unlike other forms of meditation, or prayer or spirituality for that matter. I'd gained enough knowledge to get my fill -- I told him that I'd practice the techniques that brought me to level 2, and if I'm ever ready to pay for more, I'll be back!
Hypnotherapy Part 2: The Set-Up
The office was as big as your spare bedroom, and while walking through the door the eyes fall squarely upon a La-Z-Boy that someone's uncle has rocked in for several years. It was easy to settle into the chair and into ice-breaking conversation with Rick. Rick's hypnotherapy is a second income but a first passion, which is good since the pricey services (to the tune of $85-$140 per session) are generally not covered by insurance and probably keep the customers to a trickle.
Since my understanding of hypnosis involved dangling watches, he taught me quite a bit about the reality:
1. All hypnosis is self-hypnosis. Hypnotherapists simply teach technique.
2. There are six levels of hypnosis. I reached level 2 during a 22-minute session. Experienced practitioners can reach level 6 almost instantly.
3. We remember every experience of our lives; some are just more often accessed via the neural pathways in our brains than others. Hypnosis has the capability to retrieve any of it.
He surveyed me about my family, medical history, work, fears and goals. Although my stated goal was positive thinking, he suggested that we shoot for something more specific. He talked about waking up with purpose in the morning, visualizing the successes of the day, then spending a few moments after work doing the same. While I'm ahead of the average person in the setting of goals, this did lead to an area of improvement I'd not thought of: sleep habits.
Like my old man, my sleep schedule is as predictable as the lottery. Each day might include an evening nap for an hour or three; during some weeks I might conk out at 10:00, other nights at 1:00. When my head hits the pillow I might shut down instantly, or wade mentally from one topic to another for hours. Rick talked about being proactive, and filling the mind with dreams of goals coming true. Not a bad remedy!
Since my understanding of hypnosis involved dangling watches, he taught me quite a bit about the reality:
1. All hypnosis is self-hypnosis. Hypnotherapists simply teach technique.
2. There are six levels of hypnosis. I reached level 2 during a 22-minute session. Experienced practitioners can reach level 6 almost instantly.
3. We remember every experience of our lives; some are just more often accessed via the neural pathways in our brains than others. Hypnosis has the capability to retrieve any of it.
He surveyed me about my family, medical history, work, fears and goals. Although my stated goal was positive thinking, he suggested that we shoot for something more specific. He talked about waking up with purpose in the morning, visualizing the successes of the day, then spending a few moments after work doing the same. While I'm ahead of the average person in the setting of goals, this did lead to an area of improvement I'd not thought of: sleep habits.
Like my old man, my sleep schedule is as predictable as the lottery. Each day might include an evening nap for an hour or three; during some weeks I might conk out at 10:00, other nights at 1:00. When my head hits the pillow I might shut down instantly, or wade mentally from one topic to another for hours. Rick talked about being proactive, and filling the mind with dreams of goals coming true. Not a bad remedy!
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Hire Him, Quick!
From Reader's Digest:
An amused hiring manager noted this resume bomb: "Candidate specified that his availability was limited because Friday, Saturday, and Sunday was 'drinking time.'"
An amused hiring manager noted this resume bomb: "Candidate specified that his availability was limited because Friday, Saturday, and Sunday was 'drinking time.'"
An Exclusive Club
Today I received a mailing from the Veterans of Foreign Wars. They have to be very careful about the name, so that no veterans of the Civil War join.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)