Heard on the radio:
"The suspect pled not guilty to being caught on tape having sex with girls as young as 13 years old..."
Wait, ignore the nature of the crime for a sec. He pled not guilty to being caught on tape?
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please observe as I push play on this VCR. See him? He is on tape. I rest my case."
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Thanks for Dona for passing this wisdom along!
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway , waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied , balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi .. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway , waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied , balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi .. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Hypnotherapy Part 3: Going Under
Rick said that in order to be hypnotized, a person has to want hypnosis. I convinced myself that I did, but it took a while to keep myself from feeling like I was part of a carnival act for a few minutes:
...I was clipped to a monitor on my palm for measuring brain activity
...the lights dimmed
...soft music began
...Rick's voice dropped to a soft glide (had to fight back smiles here)
...he asked me to place my thumb and forefinger together
...he told me to relax each part of my body, walking from my head to my soles
...slowly he counted back from 20 to 1 over the course of a couple minutes
...envision the chair wrapping around you like a cloud
...you're carried to a place where you are happy and comfortable
While I was in my happy place, he dropped in some ideas:
...repeat "every day, in every way, I am better and better"
...when I see the color red, I will recall how much better life is headed
...do my meditations twice a day
...don't meditate while driving (a fact repeated on the label of the hypno-music CD he sold me for $12)
After counting from 1 to 5, the session ended. The monitor's chart showed that after 18 minutes of relatively stable brain activity, I'd slipped fairly sharply down into level 2 hypnosis. I feel sure that I remembered the whole experience, but estimated its length to be ten minutes, not 22. In fact, the entire session including the hypnosis was 3 1/2 hours, so I'd say that my estimating was off all night!
Most of Rick's patients are in more dire straits than me, dealing with severe emotional or physical problems. While the mind and body are connected, hypnotherapy's effectiveness is varied and personal, not unlike other forms of meditation, or prayer or spirituality for that matter. I'd gained enough knowledge to get my fill -- I told him that I'd practice the techniques that brought me to level 2, and if I'm ever ready to pay for more, I'll be back!
...I was clipped to a monitor on my palm for measuring brain activity
...the lights dimmed
...soft music began
...Rick's voice dropped to a soft glide (had to fight back smiles here)
...he asked me to place my thumb and forefinger together
...he told me to relax each part of my body, walking from my head to my soles
...slowly he counted back from 20 to 1 over the course of a couple minutes
...envision the chair wrapping around you like a cloud
...you're carried to a place where you are happy and comfortable
While I was in my happy place, he dropped in some ideas:
...repeat "every day, in every way, I am better and better"
...when I see the color red, I will recall how much better life is headed
...do my meditations twice a day
...don't meditate while driving (a fact repeated on the label of the hypno-music CD he sold me for $12)
After counting from 1 to 5, the session ended. The monitor's chart showed that after 18 minutes of relatively stable brain activity, I'd slipped fairly sharply down into level 2 hypnosis. I feel sure that I remembered the whole experience, but estimated its length to be ten minutes, not 22. In fact, the entire session including the hypnosis was 3 1/2 hours, so I'd say that my estimating was off all night!
Most of Rick's patients are in more dire straits than me, dealing with severe emotional or physical problems. While the mind and body are connected, hypnotherapy's effectiveness is varied and personal, not unlike other forms of meditation, or prayer or spirituality for that matter. I'd gained enough knowledge to get my fill -- I told him that I'd practice the techniques that brought me to level 2, and if I'm ever ready to pay for more, I'll be back!
Hypnotherapy Part 2: The Set-Up
The office was as big as your spare bedroom, and while walking through the door the eyes fall squarely upon a La-Z-Boy that someone's uncle has rocked in for several years. It was easy to settle into the chair and into ice-breaking conversation with Rick. Rick's hypnotherapy is a second income but a first passion, which is good since the pricey services (to the tune of $85-$140 per session) are generally not covered by insurance and probably keep the customers to a trickle.
Since my understanding of hypnosis involved dangling watches, he taught me quite a bit about the reality:
1. All hypnosis is self-hypnosis. Hypnotherapists simply teach technique.
2. There are six levels of hypnosis. I reached level 2 during a 22-minute session. Experienced practitioners can reach level 6 almost instantly.
3. We remember every experience of our lives; some are just more often accessed via the neural pathways in our brains than others. Hypnosis has the capability to retrieve any of it.
He surveyed me about my family, medical history, work, fears and goals. Although my stated goal was positive thinking, he suggested that we shoot for something more specific. He talked about waking up with purpose in the morning, visualizing the successes of the day, then spending a few moments after work doing the same. While I'm ahead of the average person in the setting of goals, this did lead to an area of improvement I'd not thought of: sleep habits.
Like my old man, my sleep schedule is as predictable as the lottery. Each day might include an evening nap for an hour or three; during some weeks I might conk out at 10:00, other nights at 1:00. When my head hits the pillow I might shut down instantly, or wade mentally from one topic to another for hours. Rick talked about being proactive, and filling the mind with dreams of goals coming true. Not a bad remedy!
Since my understanding of hypnosis involved dangling watches, he taught me quite a bit about the reality:
1. All hypnosis is self-hypnosis. Hypnotherapists simply teach technique.
2. There are six levels of hypnosis. I reached level 2 during a 22-minute session. Experienced practitioners can reach level 6 almost instantly.
3. We remember every experience of our lives; some are just more often accessed via the neural pathways in our brains than others. Hypnosis has the capability to retrieve any of it.
He surveyed me about my family, medical history, work, fears and goals. Although my stated goal was positive thinking, he suggested that we shoot for something more specific. He talked about waking up with purpose in the morning, visualizing the successes of the day, then spending a few moments after work doing the same. While I'm ahead of the average person in the setting of goals, this did lead to an area of improvement I'd not thought of: sleep habits.
Like my old man, my sleep schedule is as predictable as the lottery. Each day might include an evening nap for an hour or three; during some weeks I might conk out at 10:00, other nights at 1:00. When my head hits the pillow I might shut down instantly, or wade mentally from one topic to another for hours. Rick talked about being proactive, and filling the mind with dreams of goals coming true. Not a bad remedy!
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Hire Him, Quick!
From Reader's Digest:
An amused hiring manager noted this resume bomb: "Candidate specified that his availability was limited because Friday, Saturday, and Sunday was 'drinking time.'"
An amused hiring manager noted this resume bomb: "Candidate specified that his availability was limited because Friday, Saturday, and Sunday was 'drinking time.'"
An Exclusive Club
Today I received a mailing from the Veterans of Foreign Wars. They have to be very careful about the name, so that no veterans of the Civil War join.
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