Bonds Away!

Jack subscribes to a site called uwritesports.com. For a fee he gets to write all the articles he wants, and be read by others who frequent the site. Being the working, family man he is I noticed that the presses had been slow. So I put together something for him using a style that mixes him and some of the pundits on ESPN.com.

I am glad that Barry Bonds is going to break Hank Aaron's home run record.

You read that right. I think that it's good for baseball that Barry Bonds hits his 756th home run later this year.

Those of you who've ever watched the soap opera in speedos that is professional wrestling may recall names from a different era than me. In his heyday, Hulk Hogan -- yes kids, that guy from the reality show used to wrestle -- was the golden boy of the World Wrestling Federation. Every wrestler, of every nationality and of every bulk, who stepped into the ring with the Hulkster eventually fell.

Eventually, since Earth hadn't yet colonized Mars, the WWF and Hogan ran out of worlds to conquer. So the WWF script writers reached into American entertainment's timeless bag of tricks and pulled out the "dark side"angle (see also: Jekyll and Hyde, Spiderman 3), as"Hollywood Hulk Hogan" became public enemy number one.

Contrast is drama. Good versus evil rivets our attention in cartoons, capitols and church pews. And now Bonds, the most successful and controversial player in a generation, rivaling Muhammed Ali among all generations, is about to move the esteemed Aaron to 2nd place by this measure of slugger's immortality.

We cringe in slow agony. Magazines don't lie! The man's a steroid user! He commits adultery! He's probably found a way to cheat at tic-tac-toe! He demands his own locker room recliner! Snipes at reporters, teammates and fans! Lectures us on his greatness and victimization! Is this fair?

You bet it is. And we're going to love it way more than we realize. Bonds will retire, in his own mind, as the best hitter in baseball history. He will have accomplished what his godfather Willie Mays did not, and in that way he will have honored his family, including his late father Bobby, himself a pioneer of the 30-30 club. He probably won't stick around long after he breaks it -- what, after all, would be the motivation? His Giant teammates are better suited for bingo than baseball. Sadaharu Oh's world record 868 home runs is at least another four years away and less venerable in the States than Aaron's. Bonds is as likely to hit his775th home run as Cy Young is to crawl out of his grave and win his 512th game.

And after politely applauding Bonds' retirement and torching his recliner, we'll sigh and take a look around our bold new steroid-reduced surroundings. We'll realize that we're standing in Mr. Rodriguez's Neighborhood. Alex Rodriguez is America in the flesh. Young and talented, then powerful and popular, and now restless and sullen in the limelight. But the man is flat-out productive, even if his supremacy is doubted.

Soon,those doubts will fade. We're talking about a man who was an All-Star shortstop, and gave it up for the good of others. First, he nudged Cal Ripken from third to short to enjoy one last Midsummer Classic in the hole, and later he deferred to Derek Jeter's captaincy on the Yankees. A-Rod has cranked 42 homers a season in his first ten full ones. At that rate he'll treat us to a five-year victory parade, passing Bonds around 2013 as a thirtysomething. He'll have persevered through the glaring lights and "failure" of seasons past in New York, maybe even gained a World Series ring or three.

Somewhere, Aaron will congratulate Rodriguez as he is doing for Bonds. Bonds will devalue Rodriguez for a variety of incredulous reasons. We will celebrate this home run record as a Nation, rather than as a Vast Territory Outside of San Francisco. And then maybe Bonds will come back and hit a pinch grand slam for the Cubs in the World Series, fulfilling the wish of a boy dying of steroid poisoning. Off a Hulk Hogan fastball.

Stay tuned. The best script is yet to come.