Dear Mr. Woods,
It's come to my attention that caddies on the PGA tour customarily earn base salaries of $1,000 to $1,500 per week. I find it galling that anyone would take such advantage of the opportunity to serve the greatest golfer of any generation. If you were to hire me, I would gladly work without salary.
Caddies typically dispense advice and tension-easing conversation to their employers. Please let me apologize on behalf of amateur America that anyone should insult you, the world's most driven and talented golfer in this way. With the possible exceptions of your heroic parents and doting wife, none is worthy of offering counsel to you under any circumstance, let alone during your masterful intensity on the golf course. As your caddie, I would simply follow your every order as swiftly and quietly as is modern science enables humans to do.
Evidently, caddies earn 10% of the golfer's winnings. I could not bear to accept more than 5%, in fact I would absolutely insist upon it.
Thanks for your consideration, and congratulations on crossing $75 million in career winnings.
Joe McDonald (or other appropriate name of your choosing)
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