From Yahoo! Shine:
Not trying to change each other
Maybe you wish he folded his socks, or that he would chat it up with
your friends without prompting. But, his inability to notice hair in the
sink may stem from the laid-back personality that drew you to him in
the first place. "One of the things we see with happy couples is that
they know their partner's differences, and have pretty much stopped
trying to change the other person," says Darren Wilk, a certified Gottman Couples Therapist
with a private practice in Vancouver, British Columbia. "Rather than
trying to fight their partner's personality style, they instead focus on
each other's strengths."
Framing your demands as favors
Whether you want him to unload the dishwasher more often
or pay closer attention to the kids, your partner will be more likely to
change his behavior if he feels like he'll get relationship brownie
points. "Throw it out there like a favor. Present it like 'here is the
recipe for what will make me happy,' because everyone wants to make
their partner feel happy," says Wilk. "When you present your needs,
present them as what you do want rather than what you don't want."
Instead of saying, "I hate when you have to have everything scheduled,"
try saying, "I would love to have a day where we can just be
spontaneous."
Vocalizing your apprecation
Giving your partner positive reinforcement sounds like a no-brainer,
but couples often forget to do it. "Relationship expert Gottman's
research found that in everyday life, happy couples have 20 positive
moments - such as a shared look, compliment, or affectionate touch - to
every negative moment," says Wilk. Tell him something positive three
times a day, and be specific. Instead of saying, "You're a good dad,"
tell him why. "You're a good dad because you helped our daughter with
that puzzle, which I never would have had the patience to do."
Focusing on the positive
"Unhappy couples are stuck in a negative state of mind," says Wilk.
"You will always find what you look for. If you look for stuff that bugs
you and that your partner is doing wrong, you will find it every day.
If you look at what your partner is doing it right, you'll find it
everyday." It's a choice to flip your mindset, so when you find yourself
getting annoyed, visualize something he does that makes your heart
flutter to halt the negative thought circuit.
Taking trips down memory lane
"Happy couples tend to rewrite history by glossing over
the bad stuff and focusing on the happy times," says Wilk. By reliving
memories out loud to your partner, it actually changes your mindset, and
how you view him and think about your relationship. Try this exercise
whenever your feel your relationship needs a boost: Go over the
highlights of when you were first dating, or rehearse the best moments
of your relationship (such as the day you had an impromptu picnic in the
park during your lunch hour, or that surprise anniversary date he took
you on) to uncover buried memories.
Never siding with the enemy
"Sometimes what affair-proofs relationships is simply
being there when your partner needs to vent, and having their back
without trying to fix the problem," says Wilk. "People want someone to
listen to them." The key is to be supportive, and never take the side of
the person he's venting about - even if you can see where that person
is coming from. For example, if he is upset that his boss took away a
contract and gave it to someone else in the office, now is not the time
to say, "Well, maybe you didn't put your best effort in." Right now he
needs his feelings validated, and to hear you say, "That must have been
really hard." Happy couples know when to bite their tongues.
Not getting too comfortable
Trust, security, and commitment are key elements in any
relationship, but having them doesn't mean you can treat your
relationship as rock-solid, and stop trying. "Relationships are a
fragile ecosystem, and that's why there is a 50 percent divorce rate,"
says Wilk. "Happy couples keep dating, telling each other they look
great, and doing things together."
Having rituals of connection
"It's not only about having a date night, but happy
couples seem to do a lot of mundane things together," says Wilk. "They
have little habits that they decide to do together, whether it be
sitting down to pay the bills once a month or folding laundry." We say,
anything to make that pile of dirty clothes feel more manageable.
Knowing your partner's calls for attention
Happy couples are mindful of those little moves their
partners do for attention. When Gottman's team studied 120 newlyweds in
his Love Lab, they discovered that couples who stayed married six years
later were paying attention to these bids for connection 86 percent of
the time, compared to only 33 percent of the time for those who later
divorced. So look out for the little things, and respond to his need to
connect. Like if you're grocery shopping and he casually mentions that
he hasn't had Fruit Loops since he was a kid, throw them in the cart for
him to show that you care.
Doing the little things
"When it comes to relationship satisfaction, you can't
just ride on the big things like, 'I don't drink, I pay the bills, I
don't beat you, we went to Hawaii last year,'" says Wilk. "This stuff is
not really what keeps couples happy in their daily lives." What really
matters is all the small stuff that adds up, such as being there for
each other when one needs to vent, or noticing when he needs a hug, or
making him his favorite meal just because. "It's also giving up on the
idea that you have to feel in love all the time. Marriage is about trust
and commitment and knowing each other," says Wilk. "That's what love
is."
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