Letter Of Recommendation From My Brother

YOU HIRE MY BROTHER.

Oh, what, that wasn't polite enough for you?  Fine.  Dear human being, Joe McDonald is either going to be your next employee, or the last person you ever reject, your choice.  He taught me to read when I was a kid, and look what it's led to!  Lucky you.  

Sure, he's got some problems, but who doesn't?  Times are tough, and so is he.  And so am I.  And you probably aren't, since your whole job is to judge people you barely even know.  You're no different than a playground bully, really.  

In fact, call me up, I need to get some information on you.  Nothing major, like your home address or your kids' schools (I can get that off the Internet), just little things, like What Mistakes Have You Made?, and When Do You Feel Regret?  We need to understand each other, chum.  

You're probably like, "ohhhhh, this is just a substitute teaching position, what's the big deal?"  I hope so, because that's right on the money.  I barely remember my actual teachers, but I remember the substitutes, and what we'd do to them.  It gave me the experience I'll need to...address things if you don't hire my brother.  Sure, this is a job a Sasquatch could do, but it means a lot to him, so it means a lot to me.  

I feel regret when I think about a basketball game from 1989.  Quid pro quo.  

I'm watching you.

Jack McDonald