Till Crash Do Us Part

From Reader's Digest:

A cop pulls over an elderly man for driving too slowly.

"Officer, what's wrong?" I was going the speed limit, 22 miles an hour," says the old man.

"Sir, that's the route number," says the officer. Just then, he notices the man's wife in the passenger seat. Her eyes are bulging, and she's as white as a ghost. "What's wrong with her?"

"Oh, she'll be all right. We just got off Route 188."

Difference Between Man And Woman?

Nice find by Tyson on this one! Both parties are lampooned in this one I think.

They're Frightenedly Delicious

By Frank Johnston:

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spy some surfers. The younger one licks his lips and makes a beeline for them.

"Just a minute," says his father, stopping him.

"First we swim around them with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they do.

"Now we swim around them a few times with all our fins showing."

And they do.

"Now we eat everybody."

When they are both gorged, the son asks, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them when we first saw them?"

"Because they taste better without all the poop inside."

Jooey Deschanel Siri Ad

From Funny or Die:

http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/6tcw

Funny Or Die: Eyehole Paintings With Adam West

The latest in home security systems.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/4f6d741241/eyehole-paintings-with-adam-west?rel=by_user

4 Year Old Girl Bulldozes Boy In Soccer

And then she casually wipes the dirt off her hands and walks away while others rush to pick him up!

What will she be when she grows up?

Environmentally Conscious Motorcross Racer

If You Build It, They Will Bomb

"The U.S. government said that they didn't want bin Laden's grave to become a shrine for terrorists. But wouldn't that have been a great way to catch terrorists?" - Glenn Wool

Dog Rescued By Family Shows Gratitude By Devouring Child

Buster, the German Shepherd mix rescued from the Pearly Gates animal shelter earlier in the day, celebrated his new home by feasting upon his new family's six-year-old daughter.

Jim and Leslie Kepper's hearts were captivated by the sight of the ravenous dog as it thrashed about in its cage at the shelter.

"It was love at first sight," Leslie smiled on her front lawn as paramedics arrived on the scene and dashed into the front door.

"Some dogs, you look into their eyes, the puddle of foaming drool on the floor, the self-inflicted teeth marks all up and down their legs, and you realize that this is a dog that just hasn't been given a loving home or a real chance."

Slightly elevating his voice above the cries of horror, rabid growls, and screams of life-or-death struggle radiating from the kitchen, Jim admitted his initial hesitation.

"No one wakes up in the morning saying 'Today I'm gonna adopt a dog gnawing manically on bloody, snapped bones.' You start second-guessing yourself a little bit when attendants use terms like 'carnivorous' and 'demonic.' But then you think, 'What if Emily grew up without a pet?'"

Why Blow A Kiss When I Can Blow My Whole Face?

Now he can cross this off his bucket list.

Plasticman's Such A Whiner

USA Wrestling Pulls Ahead In Competition

Rare Photo Of Jesus As A Boy

Till Trash Do Us Part

From Reader's Digest:

Overheard at a garden-club meeting: "I never knew what compost was until I met my husband."

Wednesday's State Mottos

Washington 

Where Our Governor & Legislature ignore our State Constitution

 

West Virginia 

One Big Happy Family... Really!

 

Wisconsin 

Come Cut the Cheese!

 

Wyoming

Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared   

(Home of Brokeback Mountain)

 

The District of Columbia

The Work-Free Drug Place !

Monday's State Mottos

Tennessee 

Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum.

 

Texas 

Se Hable Ingles

 

Utah 

Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

 

Vermont

Too liberal for the Kennedys

 

Virginia 

Who Says Government Stiffs And Slack jaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Sunday's State Mottos

Oregon 

Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

 

Pennsylvania 

Cook With Coal

 

Rhode Island 

We're Not REALLY An Island

 

South  Carolina 

Remember The Civil War?

Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender

 

South Dakota 

Closer Than North Dakota

Saturday's State Mottos

New York 

You Have The Right To Remain Silent,

You Have The Right To An Attorney...

And No Right To Self Defense!

 

North Carolina 

Tobacco Is A Vegetable

 

North Dakota 

We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

 

Ohio 

At Least We're Not Michigan

 

Oklahoma 

Like The Play, But No Singing

 

Thursday's State Mottos

Nebraska 

Ask About Our State Motto Contest

 

Nevada 

Hookers and Poker!

 

New  Hampshire 

Go Away And Leave Us Alone

 

New Jersey 

You Want A ##$%##! Motto?

I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!

 

New Mexico 

Lizards Make Excellent Pets

Wednesday's State Mottos

Michigan 

First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

 

Minnesota 

10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes

 

Mississippi 

Come Visit And Feel Better About Your Own State

 

Missouri 

Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

 

Montana

Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections!