Creative Services

While I was walking through the office, I saw a display for people to add themselves to a database of employee talent to be used for our Creative Services Department. You fill out a card that asks what type of acting or modeling experience you've had. Then they have you hold a sign with your name handwritten on it, while they snap a couple photos. The bubbly young ladies who gave me the card led me behind a curtain where "Mike" the photographer lurked. Mike does not get out in the sun. He does not shave. He does not talk. I suspect that to him, I was a mannequin that happened to be moving.

So now every day is a lottery. I will sit at my desk, nerves tingling, ready for the call at any moment. Will someone need a voice over for their training video on parking lot safety? A face to play the part of "student #18" for a photo ad about college savings programs? Or maybe the starring role in "Carpal Tunnel: Healthy Tips for Healthy Wrists."

If you'll pardon me, gotta get back to shopping for an agent...

Beware of Concentric Circles

From the Onion: It puts a new spin on tsunami reports:

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/breaking_news_series_of

Is There Another Definition of "Second Place"?

Golfer Ryuji Imada, about the Buick Invitational:

"My goal going into today was to finish second," Imada said. "That's almost like winning the golf tournament to me."

How's It Hanging?

"We must indeed all hang together, or, assuredly, we shall all hang separately." -- Benjamin Franklin, upon signing the Declaration of Independence

Thanks to the people who signed their revolution to paper, we'll likely never have to truly understand what it means to risk our lives and freedom.

Down With Diversity

Captain Abrashoff cancelled his ship's diversity training. Is that a firable offense?

"In its place I substituted unity training, concentrating on people's likenesses and our common goals rather than differences. A ship of 310 people who looked and acted just like me would probably be one of the worst ships in the history of the Navy... Unity is about maximizing uniqueness and channeling that toward the common goals of the group."

How to Get Hired

Captain Abrashoff wondered why he was hired in the first place. The answer he received from his higher-ranking officer:

"I have been in both government and business for over forty years. I can hire the smartest people around. But I have found what works the best is a staff that works together and backstops each other. The staff decided that you were the one they could work with the best."

I think that includes keeping cool under pressure. Work and play are filled with conflict. People are drawn to those who handle it with confidence and a smile.

What's Up With SAT?

Captain Abrashoff learned that only 45% of his crew had ever taken the Scholastic Aptitude Test, or SAT, needed to enter college. So he had an SAT administrator flown out to the ship, thirty miles south of Iraq. It triggered a larger wave of academic work by the sailors -- in time, hundreds also took advantage of a program to take college courses online.

"Anything you can do to understand your people, support them in tough times, and nurture their gifts will pay benefits to your bottom line."

Running Mates

The Benfold's captain was embarrassed to learn that his ship had no program for welcoming new sailors aboard. Have you ever joined a new group of people at work, church, or a party and been non-welcomed?

After that, when new sailors arrived they were greeted by a name on their locker, a made bed, and a chance to call their parents from the captain's cabin. Better still, each was assigned a top-performing sailor as his or her "running mate," a sort of mentor to make them feel personally valuable.

I've been trying to greet every Jazz player at every practice. When I can, I take them aside and tell them what their important role will be for the day's game. It might be one of the deeper longings of the human soul to feel uniquely special. Why not give each other that gift?

Level With Me

Naval ships were judged in twenty-four categories, ranging from Level One to Level Four depending on performance. The Benfold's captain noted that his rival on a fellow ship aimed for Level One. Indeed, to gain higher was a taxing effort. In fact it was virtually impossible for the senior officers to oversee all the testing areas.

So Abrashoff delegated leadership to junior officers.

As the Level Four ratings started rolling in, the skipper of another ship ordered his crew to shoot for the same.

"But you can't 'order' an outstanding performance. You have to plan, enable, nurture, and focus on it."

I probably spent ten hours this week preparing the Jazz for their surprising victory. To reach the next level, preparation succeeds where yelling fails.

In Touch With People

"People seem to think that if you send somebody a compliment online, it's as good as the human touch. It is not. It's easier, but much less effective." -- Captain Abrashoff

An interesting theory. Tell you what, blog me a compliment and I'll let you know if it was effective.

Cheerleaders and Chariot Drivers

"I'm absolutely convinced that positive, personal reinforcement is the essence of effective leadership." -- Captain Abrashoff

Right on! There's a fine line between positive reinforcement and cheap flattery, but there's almost no reason to skimp on any chance to be thankful or encouraging. Motivation can be done with carrots or hammers. Why the heck not choose the carrot?

Getting Carded

"A lot of seemingly small gestures added up to a friendly and supportive atmosphere. For example, I ordered a big supply of greeting cards that read, 'The Officers and Crew of the USS Benfold Wish You a Happy Birthday.'" -- Captain Abrashoff

Little kindnesses are the drops that build to great rivers of compassion. Most people at work have fund raisers for their children. I may be the least likely candidate for fatherhood, but contributing to every fund raiser shows that I care about what they care about.

Jazz 1/26/08

How things change!

Monday's practice was full of optimism after nearly toppling the Sixers. We ran our defense for half the practice, and offense the second half. I felt good about our defense, and decided that we'd use our whole Wednesday practice to run the offense.

On Wednesday two kids showed up 45 minutes late for a one hour practice (explanation: they got the practice time wrong). That set the tone for the evening. By the end, I pretty much decided that my carefully designed offense had to go on the scrap heap -- the kids being either too young or too inattentive to get the job done.

So I spent two nights mulling what to do. The final idea: run a 1-3-1 offense, with the wings never coming to the middle, leaving it open for the other three to wheel around creatively. Fortunately, this week we were playing the Clippers, who we saw get drubbed last Saturday, so we had some freedom to experiment.

Only, the Clippers turned out to be the team that did the drubbing last week. I'd not studied them closely, but they had about three inches of height over us at every position.

And we won! It was a nailbiter, 44-42, what was pretty much unknown to me because not looking at the scoreboard helps me focus on coaching the game. You should have seen Josh setting picks like a Mack truck. Or Jordan, Jeff and Xavier clearing the floor for rebounds from the taller opponents. When little Bryan our point guard did a jump stop at the free throw line and bank one in it was a thrill! Even Devon got into the act, grabbing a bunch of loose balls.

So the pendulum has swung back to full blown optimism. Our first two-hour practice is on Monday, and I think we'll be doing a lot more running of this new offense.

For now though, it's time to savor victory #1 -- an upset no less -- in my hoops coaching career!

Pressure Point

"Champions take chances, and pressure is a privilege." -- text message from Billy Jean King to Maria Sharapova on the eve of Sharapova's Australian open championship.

Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation With Wish For Unlimited Wishes

How sad is this?

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/child_bankrupts_make_a_wish_0

Are We Giving the Robots That Run Our Society Too Much Power?

From the Onion:

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/in_the_know_are_we_giving_the

Shrink Your Way to Success

"If you want to achieve anything in a large bureaucracy, get inside the bosses' heads. Anticipate what they want before they know they want it." -- Captain Abrashoff

Leadership: Abrashoff's Definition

"Leadership is mostly the art of doing simple things very well... Unlike some leaders, I prefer to build myself up by strengthening others and helping them feel good about their jobs and themselves. When that happens, their work improves, and my own morale leaps." -- Captain Abrashoff

We All Can Just Get Along!

"I came up with a plan to simulate the German ships as the enemy and conduct a battle at sea. Then we would exchange personnel to visit one another's ships, and we would do joint maneuvers in the South China Sea." -- Captain Abrashoff

In my line of work we hear about "silos" where different areas of the organization work independently of, or even competitively with each other. Some of that happens by the nature of our size, some not.

I was at a Leadership McLean County session the other day where CEOs from the two major hospitals in town formed a panel to answer questions about the state of health care in our community.

It struck me how very well these two got along with each other. Clearly they liked each other and worked together regularly. What are the odds of two "competitors" putting the good of the neighborhood ahead of their own profits? Such is the case, as they teamed up to develop a community cancer center and other joint ventures. And more personally impactful, what are the odds of CEOs taking time to visit with ordinary yokels like us?

Sometimes I think about pride in being an Illinoisan, an American, or of Irish descent. In the end, though, we're all part of the human team. Does there have to be an opponent?

MLK Day Jam

I subbed for the Higher Ground band at Calvary United Methodist Church today. The songs:

In the Sanctuary
Waiting for the World to Change - John Mayer
Lean on Me - Kirk Franklin
He Reigns/Awesome God - Kirk Franklin

All of these songs are findable on YouTube.

Since these songs had a bluesy feel, there was some similarity to the Beatles songs I crank out nightly in the basement. This was a nice excuse to get out of the house and play before a crowd!

Plug Into the Right Outlet

Captain Abrashoff chuckled at the sailor who said that he wanted to be a social worker when he left the Navy. He said that he could get him a job paying $60,000 to $80,000 per year if he stuck with electronics, the wave of the future. But he was put in his place by the teenager's response, that he'd been in and out of foster homes all his life and didn't want to see the same thing happen to other kids.

After picking his jaw up off the ground and crawling out from under the rock he felt like hiding under, the captain soon found a way to make the most out of the sailor's passion. The next time they docked at home in San Diego, the sailor was put on a mission to find a local elementary school that the ship could adopt. The crew painted the building and tutored students. It was a winning situation for everyone, especially so for the rejuvenated future social worker. And it happened because the captain took the time to plug his energy into the right outlet.

Information, Please

"I realized the power of information. Those that have it prosper. Those that don't, wither." -- Captain Abrashoff

Give It Your Best Shot... Just Not Yet

"Don't be the first to shoot. Accuracy is more important." -- Captain Abrashoff

With the Jazz, I saw that kind of anxiety creeping up when the game was close late. Our point guard started racing down the court too quickly for his teammates to prep. You don't have to be manning a ship's gun in order to grasp the captain's point. When things are going well at any point in life, it's extra hard to stay calm. But we must -- or mistakes will follow.

Jazz 1/19/2008

Today's game was against the team that has been undefeated in YMCA play for the last couple of years. While we didn't win, we pushed them to the end, 44-40. In other words, we gave up the same number of points as last week to a much better team, and we scored almost twice as many points. Highlights? Where to start?

Having eight players rather than five was a plus. Also, our fans outnumbered theirs.

There were several plays where our players dove to the ground for loose balls.

We came back from being down by 15 at one point.

Our new 1-3-1 defense was loaded with steals!

Our two new players were monstrous on the boards.

All this against a team that has not only practiced four hours a week versus our 1-2, but has played together for years. That's exactly where I want to be in another two years, featuring players that have been with me and know our "system."

There's no way to describe how supportive the players were of each other, excited and confident against them. If we can funnel that into two practices and a game this week, we'll be in the hunt again for our first win next week.

How to Achieve Mediocrity

"You will seldom get in trouble for following standard operating procedure. On the other hand, you will rarely get outstanding results." -- Captain Abrashoff

Early in my supervising career, a father who'd never missed his son's baseball games came to me and asked if he could vary his schedule to get away early. Since it was outside of the rules, I sadly declined. What a bummer that it took me so long to learn that people are more important than rules! Flexibility brings some its own cost (namely the elusive goal of "fairness"), but in the end it's a seed well sown.

Do It Yourself!

"My goal was to create self-starters... 'Hey... it's your ship, take responsibility for it. Don't ask permission; do it.'" -- Captain Abrashoff

The Jerry Seinfeld Show

Jack and I cashed in on Dena's Christmas gift, my first visit to see comedian Jerry Seinfeld live in concert. Here's a good one.

"When are these answering machine messages going to catch up with the 21st century? 'Please leave your name and number.' Why do they say that? Do they really think that someone's going to call and say 'Hello, this is a woman. Goodbye.'?"

Out of Orders

"If all you give are orders, then all you will get are order-takers." -- Captain Abrashoff

I started tonight's practice with a huddle to review the last game. Rather than spout my own thoughts on strengths and weaknesses, I just asked them what they thought needed work. It was good to hear them bring up the points I was thinking of, without my having to say them. Especially, they wanted to see more passing and less one-on-one play. Bingo! By agreeing on the problem, we'll be motivated toward the solution.

Jazz 1/12/2008

The Jazz lost 44-22 to the Nuggets in season-opening action on Saturday.

It was a slow, steady march to infamy, as the 2-to-1 ratio lasted most of the game. But there were definite highlights:

1. Xavier established himself as a defensive enforcer, nearly unbeatable under the basket.

2. Josh proved to be a defensive ball hawk, whose ball stealing skills are going to come in handy as the season rolls on.

3. Yacey, the lightest member of the team, was a rebounding menace! I think he's going to set the stage of our toughness.

4. I learned some weaknesses of our offense. Mainly, if we can get the ball to the wing, we should be in better shape.

5. We've got more energy than I suspected. With only 6 players, we managed to cover the entire game.

This week we start twice-a-week practices. Plus, tonight I learned of at least two eighth-grade football players who'll likely be joining us. That will be nice to have around the hoop! Also, we're going to employ a pressure 1-3-1 zone on defense that should be able to capitalize on Josh's skills, with Xavier protecting the basket.

The benchmark's been set. Wednesday will be another chance for improvement.

Next game: Saturday, Northpoint Elementary School, 12pm vs. Sixers

I'll Love You Till the Day I Freeze

So Jack and I are headed home from the Seinfeld show and we reach my car in the Peoria Civic Center parking garage. It reminds me of the coldest moment I can remember... literally running with Dena and two friends of ours through that same parking garage to find blessed warmth after a Peoria Rivermen hockey game.

What's the coldest you've ever been? I ask.

Jack thinks for a moment and then says that it was following an Osmond concert. His wife wanted to wait around for a while for some celebrity glimpsing. Coatless, Jack agreed.

Ah, that would be cold, I'm thinking.

So they waited, and waited, and waited some more. Eventually, they head back toward the car. Only, they don't remember where they parked it. By now his body is shaking uncontrollably, and in desperation they flag down a person in a warm car.

"H-h-h-p-p-p..." he can only stammer, as the good Samaritan agrees and helps them out.

Once in their car, they get as far as one exit on the expressway before getting off and taking him to the emergency room.

You see, he'd contracted hypothermia.

I've written before in these pages that relationships are like bank accounts, where people make deposits of love and withdrawals of selfishness. By those standards, Jack's always been one of the richest guys I know. We should all be so lucky to have friends like him as "customers."

Hey Boss, Do This

"There's an art to managing your boss, and all bosses can be managed if you know what their triggers are. A universal trigger is saving money." -- Captain Abrashoff

It's a business rendition of an impressive formula for success: Find a need and fill it. Bosses are paid to manage money, and they have tendencies in the way they like things to look. We're paid to be servants, to fill needs, both of those above and below us in the organizational chart.

Freedom to Fail

The crew of the Benfold decided to take on the international rugby team from Dubai. They were slaughtered, 77-4. And the captain was thrilled.

"All managers should nurture the freedom to fail." -- Captain Abrashoff

There was a chance this weekend, when one of my players suggested that I try Yacey at point guard for a while. Yacey is about the smallest player on the team which I thought might give him problems against the bigger players, but he gave a decent showing. And more importantly, it sends a message that the team's input is important to me. Sooner or later, they will see a great idea what I don't, and I want them to feel confident in bringing it up.

Chemistry Lesson

When the Boston Celtics traded for Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen to complement Paul Pierce, it looked like another case of random talent-bunching that's plagued past franchises. The notorious Portland "Jail Blazer" teams of the late 1990's were loaded with talent, and also with criminal offenses, enough to end an historic run of sellout crowds. But this Celtics team has cruised to a similarly historic 29-5 start. Likewise, the modern edition of the Trail Blazers, flush with rookies and unprovens, rode a 13-game winning streak.

What's the secret?

Said Jason Kapono, whose more talented Toronto Raptors team lost to the Blazers during their run, "Their chemistry is so good right now, and that's so hard to deal with."

Talent undoubtedly plays a part in success. But teamwork -- including selflessness and hard work -- is the difference between a work of art and just another shoddily-glued vase.

Who Cares About You?

That's a serious question, not an insult! Read this, passed on to me compliments of my friend Denise Grazar. Thanks Denise!

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America Contest.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?

The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.

Pass this on to those people who have made a difference in your life.

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." -- Charles Schultz

Results, Not Rights

"I was not upset, because I cared more about results then recognition." -- Captain Abrashoff

Abrashoff had just received a mediocre performance rating. The reason was that he'd pointed out a shortcoming of his ship -- one that all ships in the fleet were suffering, but not speaking up about. In the short run, he was unjustly deemed to be inferior since his ship's flaws stood out above the others. At the same time, he could openly move to correct them, and in time his ship outperformed all others.

In time, results beat appearance.

The Trust Bank

"Trust is like a bank account -- you have got to keep making deposits if you want to grow. On occasion, things will go wrong, and you will have to make a withdrawal. Meanwhile, it is sitting in the bank earning interest." -- Captain Abrashoff

Amen to that! Some of the most energy-draining relationships of my life were easy enough to measure in hindsight as vastly overdrawn accounts. Nowadays I shop around for relationships more carefully before sacrificing much.

In Them We Trust

"The best way to keep a ship -- or any organization -- on course for success is to give the troops all the responsibility they can handle and then stand back." -- Captain Abrashoff

It's harder than I care to admit to keep my mouth shut sometimes. The temptation when you're holding the trump cards is to play them. I read elsewhere today that leaders spend about 50% of their time listening and just 10% talking (the rest of the time is spent helping others to clarify their ideas, and to plan for the future). Standing back, to use Abrashoff's words, gives trust... which ironically is the only way to earn it from others.

A Bowled Move

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/19605/

After Action Review

"After every decision, event, or maneuver, those involved gathered around my chair on the bridge wing and critiqued it. Even if things had gone well, we sill analyzed them. Sometimes things go right by accident, and you are left with the dangerous illusion that it was your doing. We documented what we were trying to do, how we did it, what the conditions and variables were, and how we could improve the process in the future." -- Captain Abrashoff

Does anyone else react to this by thinking "who has time to do that"? On the other hand, follow-up in the short run saves time in the long run. In my line of work numerous ideas re-surface in about a 10 year cycle. Critiquing the original idea in detail would spare abundant re-invention down the road. Perhaps more importantly, it takes vulnerability (i.e. humility) for a leader to open himself to critique like this -- the kind of humanity that followers crave.

Mega Mike

"I used the PA system so much that I later found out that the crew called me 'Mega Mike.' They said I never met a microphone I could resist talking into." -- Captain Abrashoff

His point is that, for all the teasing, people appreciate regular communication about what's going on. I've found that e-mail has terrific potential that way, though few I know use it as such.

One man's ground rules include:

1. Reply to every e-mail until it's clear that both parties have signed off from the conversation. Besides being curteous, it also removes that possibility that the sender's last e-mail was lost in transit. In practice I often use a simple "thank you" or similar e-mail when the discussion reaches its end.

2. Answer every part, or at least every question, in the e-mail. What would it be like in a regular conversation if someone asked me a question and I simply stared at them?

3. Reply to e-mails timely, or else make it clear that e-mail is not a good way to communicate.

Used correctly, e-mail allows fast, consistent communication of any number of work-related or personal topics. It would take one heck of a P.A. system to accomplish the same thing!

Playing 9 to 5

"I wanted [the crew] to have as much fun from nine to five every day at work as they did every night from five to nine at home." -- Captain Abrashoff

A friend of mine is passionate about supporting our military troops through supply drives, Christmas packages, and homecoming parades. She also happens to be passionate about the environment, and recently suggested that our Coliseum downtown should recycle... currently thousands of bottles and cans generated each week go into the trash heap. Being an efficient sort, I replied:

"Good idea. Maybe you can combine your two passions. Does the military have a way of recycling pop cans into mortar shells? Even if the explosion was ineffective, the stickiness would be devastating."

I try to bring this kind of silliness into all aspects of life regularly. Sometimes it hits, sometimes it misses, but I like to think that it makes people comfortable around me. And at work, being approachable is one of the things I value the most in a boss.

Chaminade and Carnegie

This tiny Hawaiian college basketball team scored one of the great upsets in history, beating the number 1 ranked Virginia Cavaliers and 3-time All-American Ralph Sampson on Christmas Eve in 1983.

The fact that no television coverage of any kind was assigned to the game is indiciative of how little respect Chaminade was afforded. In fact they didn't even have a gym to call their own. First dibs on McCabe Gym went instead to St. Louis High, who shared their campus. Said Coach Merv Lopes, "Never complained once, because who the hell was gonna listen?"

Lopes' comment isn't far removed from Dale Carnegie's maxim "don't criticize, condemn or complain." It's been shown that even the hardest criminals find ways to rationalize their behavior. So how far do we expect to change anyone's mind simply by whining about how bad our situation is?

Even if it doesn't put us into the national sports pages, can we gain more happiness by adjusting to the lesser moments, rather than by wallowing around in them?

Lane's Sleepover Creates New Madden Star

Lane Young's sleepover in Normal resulted in the birth of a near-superhuman quarterback who squashed the Green Bay Packers 120-14, capping a nine-hour Madden football marathon.

The ten-year old's trip to the Twin Cities was long-awaited by his aunt Dena and uncle Joe. For Joe, it was a chance to start off the new year with as much fun and little productivity as possible. For Dena, the peace and quiet of the upper floors gave her a chance to "get some things done."

Knowing that good nutrition would be key to fueling success, Joe and Lane headed to McDonald's for burgers and fries, then moved on to Kroger to grab a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

By 6:30, sheltered from sub-zero weather by the cozy confines of the condo basement, the games were on.

For an hour Lane taught his uncle the finer points of Game Cube favorites Mariokart (a NASCAR-style series of races which Lane won) and Star Wars ("sit tight while I do this").

The night started off with a matchup between Lane's Maddenstein Monsters and the 2003 Washington Redskins, randomly assigned by Lane to Joe. The invincible team of 7-foot undead creatures beat the life out of the mortal 'Skins, cruising to a 55-28 win as Lane coaxed Joe into revealing most of his plays before running them.

As midnight struck, the two shifted from competitive to practice mode. For an hour they perfected the art of scrambling from midfield backwards to their own end zone, and then turning around and running 100 yards for a touchdown.

After a thousand rushes, it was time to shift gears. The practice paid off, as Lane coaxed the aging Brett Favre into an NFL-record 377 rushing yards on dozens of quarterback sneaks, although his hard-fought battle against Joe's Bears ended ironically when Favre was sacked in his own end zone in overtime. The win turned out to be Joe's only one against the Goodfield champ.

Flipping randomly through the game menus, Lane stumbled upon Madden's create-a-player feature which launched the final wave of activity. He proceeded to design Lane McDonald, an intensely muscular, rocket-armed quarterback with hyperspeed who was immediately picked up by the Bears from free agency.

For all his perfections, McDonald was unable to rally the Bears into the lead in his first start. Fortunately, by the end of the first quarter Joe and Lane soon figured out how to change the computer opponent's skill level from "Medium" to "Sucks" and the Bears from "Medium" to "Pretty Much Unbeatable." By 3:30 a.m. Chicago had charged to a comfortable win and Joe charged for bed, leaving Lane to watch Napoleon Dynamite until 5:00.

By noon the lure of Madden roused the two children from bed and they stormed downstairs for one final crack at Green Bay. With the cool cordless controller in hand, the cinnamon-charged Lane harassed the wimpified Favre into over a half-dozen interceptions and cracked the 100 point barrier before the end of the third quarter.

In the end, the combination of too little sleep and too much talent made this a Maddenthon a fun one to remember. If the next one is too far away, only the Green Bay Packers will be better off.

Smoking, Part 3

More from Mr. Positivity:

"The article answers 'Where can I get help?' like so:

For help to quit smoking, call the Illinois Quitline at 1-866-784-8937.

But where can non-smokers get help?

For help to hold your breath for long periods of time, do a Google search."

Smoking, Part 2

Someone responded to Mr. Positivity for the first time ever, in response to a post about smoking:

"Eventually smoking will be stamped out, resulting in massive tax increases for non-smokers, and increased revenue for the smokers. Yay, everybody wins!!"

It's like having my own e-paparazzi.

Bears Maul Lions 226-0

Detroit -- In a season of Madden domination, this game dominated all others as the Chicago Bears obliterated the Detroit Lions 226-0.

Las Vegas stopped laying odds on Bears games weeks ago, as their 10-0 victory parade has averaged 148 points per game offensively against just 3 on defense. No team has scored against Chicago in the last five weeks.

While the winner was a foregone conclusion, no one could have expected an explosion (or implosion, depending on the point of view) that surpassed any previously recorded football game. The results at last relieve from humiliation the descendants of the Cumberland College Bulldogs, who had set the previous record for futility against Georgia Tech on the losing end of a 222-0 score in 1916.

Cedric Benson (9 carries, 176 yards, 5 touchdowns) opened the scoring 13 seconds into the contest with a 57 yard scamper down the left sideline, and the quarter ended with a pair of deep touchdown strikes to Devin Hester (5 receptions, 223 yards, 5 receiving touchdowns) for 82 and 41 yards. For good measure, he returned two punts for touchdowns just over a minute into the second quarter. Hester's four punt returns, all for touchdowns, averaged 60 yards and equal the NFL record for a season for anyone not named Devin Hester.

"There's not much more you can say about that. Nine touchdowns is a pretty good day's work," said coach Joe McDonald.

Detroit coach Mike Martz, who had instructed punter Micah Knorr to kick it out of bounds, grew visibly more frustrated with each successive punt. "*&#@! Knorr! *&#@! %&*-@#!" he elaborated during his post-game conference while repeatedly fracturing both hands and his glasses on the podium before blindly misstepping off the platform and tumbling into the crowd of laughing media.

While the Lions amassed 643 yards of offense, 514 of those came on kickoff returns following the Bears' 30 touchdowns. On the other hand, the Bears compiled 1,086 yards, 29 from kick returns.

While quarterback Rex Grossman (18-22, 13 TDs, 644 yards) cruised to another perfect quarterback rating, spreading the wealth among seven different receivers, Detroit's tandem of Jon Kitna and Chris Simms each garnered ratings of 0.0. Among the pair's 55 pass attempts, more than twice as many were intercepted by Bears (17) as were caught by their own teammates (8). In particular, Detroit's Roy Williams caught 5 balls for 96 yards, while cornerback Nathan Vasher stole 5 passes for 141 yards and 3 touchdowns. A reporter's joking question to Martz about trading for Vasher resulted in a hailstorm of spit, microphone wires, loose debris, and Martz' hat.

The interception total, as well as the 275 interception return yards and seven touchdowns, set NFL records. All of the touchdowns came in the second half. Detroit also lost two fumbles for good measure.

In the closing seconds of the third quarter, Knorr gave the Lions a moment in the sun (so to speak, within the dome of Ford Field) by punting out of bounds at the Bears' 1-yard line. To that point Chicago's offense and defense had scored three touchdowns apiece in the quarter.

"Couldn't let 'em tie us," Grossman smirked, promptly hooking up with Rashied Davis on a record-setting 99-yard bomb as time expired. Martz, who'd sent a full blitz hoping to put some points on the board with a safety, actually attempted to tackle the wide-open Davis in a fit of madness. Before he could reach Davis, the cords on his headphones snapped his head back, sending him flailing like a Charlie Brown field goal try. His post-game neck brace made for a handy projectile when reminded of the moment.

By the fourth quarter, the listless Lions engaged in sheer masochism. Abandoning the running game entirely caused the clock to slow down, enabling the Monsters of the Midway to tally 92 points in setting another record, including six touchdowns during one jaw-dropping 76 second stretch.

Perhaps sensing a chance at infamy as the clock expired, Simms lobbed a wounded duck into the arms of the Bears' Lance Briggs at the 40-yard line, then watched him lumber in and out of tackles to score the touchdown that surpassed Georgia Tech's mark. No trace of Simms could be found for questioning after the contest, a note which drew a brief, manically sinister smile on Martz's face before acting as if he didn't know Simms' whereabouts.

Even on this day, the Lions weren't completely swept, mustering a tie in the key stat of time of possession, giving McDonald some pause.

"Improvement has always been our goal. Room for improvement is what keeps this job exciting."

If that's true, Martz might be in the market for less exciting work, like kicking the walls of coal mines.

Top 5 Habits to Increase Longevity

This "Dr. Mao" article is interesting in light of our New Year's resolutions. The first three are covered, the last two not so much by me, though Dena did have the fourth one about water on her resolution list. I think I'll add that one to mine! Meditation is easy to do on paper, and the one that'd take the most discipline in the McDonald household.

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Is it really possible for anyone to live happily to 100? The good news is that your body was designed to be 100 - you just have to get out of the way.

Getting out of the way means taking an honest look at the habits and lifestyle you are living with today. Most of us have developed habits that limit our true health potential.

But don't let these bad habits of the past discourage you - it is never too late to make new choices. What you did in the past can be changed, and your body will respond in kind. What matters is what you do from this moment forward.

Top 5 Daily Habits for Your Longevity

It takes 14 to 21 days of repetitive behavior to form a new pattern in your brain. Once the pattern is formed, it becomes an automatic behavioral response.

As you develop new healthy habits, they will begin to replace bad habits. These healthy lifelong habits are adapted straight from the time-tested traditions practiced by centenarians all around the world, and I can say with certainty that they will transform and rejuvenate you!

Eat five small meals a day.

In the Western culture, meals are taken three times a day, but it is much better to eat five smaller meals. When you eat smaller portions five times a day, you deliver a steady stream of nutrients, blood sugar, and energy to your body throughout the day.

Additionally, eating this way is less taxing on the digestive and metabolic systems and also reduces your risk of heart disease.

Climb the stairs instead of using elevators.

The health benefits of a daily exercise program cannot be stressed enough. Regular exercise can help promote physiological well-being, strengthen the immune system, maintain joint mobility, increase energy - and the list goes on.

Look for opportunities all through your day to work in physical activity. Power-walk, run, or ride your bike instead of driving. Begin a daily tai chi practice. Join a gym and actually go! Practice safely and watch your health results pile up.

Laugh it up!

We know from research that laughter and joy boost immune functions, especially the production of the natural killer cells that help protect the body from illness and cancer. Laughter also increases the release of endorphins, compounds that give you a sense of well-being, in your brain. Without a doubt, joyful people live longer and healthier lives.

Drink 8 glasses of water every day.

Water is essential for all healthy body functions. Centenarians from around the globe cite their native water as the source of their health and longevity - and the scientists agree with them. What they all have in common is pure water sources located far from any city, free from chemicals and toxins.

Choose filtered water; the best filtration processes are the ones that use activated charcoal, which removes the impurities but leaves the water-soluble minerals. Also, do not store water in plastic containers because the polychlorinated biphenyls (PCBs) can leach into the water.

Unwind with meditation.

Stress is the root cause of most of the diseases that shorten our life span. In our modern society stress will continue to increase - unless you find techniques to manage it. Meditation is the best way to release tension and revitalize your being. It teaches you to breathe properly, which is critical for eliminating up to 70% of your body's toxins and wastes. It also quiets your mind, lowers your stress hormones, and teaches self-discipline, which is a necessary attribute to achieving your health and longevity goals.

Try this beginning meditation:

Sit comfortably on a chair or the floor. Breathe naturally and close your eyes. Each time a thought appears, put it inside a balloon and let it fly up into the sky and disappear. Do this until the thoughts are exhausted. After a bit, your body will feel very light, and your mind will become still. The first few times it may take a while, but it will get easier and faster with practice.

I hope you use these healthy habits for years to come! I invite you to visit often and share your own personal health and longevity tips with me.

May you live long, live strong, and live happy!

-Dr. Mao

Flying Cars

My best laugh of the year so far!

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/mean_automakers_dash_nations_hope?utm_source=videomrss_70281

Spying on the Schizophrenics

From the Onion, thanks to Jack pointing it out:

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/in_the_know_is_the_government

State Hoping for a Smooth Transition to Smoke-Free Illinois

Mr. Positivity's blog to this Pantagraph article, regarding Illinois' smoking ban in most public places as of 1/1/08:

Non-smokers will see a slight increase in lifespan from the reduction in second-hand smoke. And smokers will see a slight increase in lifespan from the extra-fresh air outdoors. Everybody wins!