Bears Maul Lions 226-0

Detroit -- In a season of Madden domination, this game dominated all others as the Chicago Bears obliterated the Detroit Lions 226-0.

Las Vegas stopped laying odds on Bears games weeks ago, as their 10-0 victory parade has averaged 148 points per game offensively against just 3 on defense. No team has scored against Chicago in the last five weeks.

While the winner was a foregone conclusion, no one could have expected an explosion (or implosion, depending on the point of view) that surpassed any previously recorded football game. The results at last relieve from humiliation the descendants of the Cumberland College Bulldogs, who had set the previous record for futility against Georgia Tech on the losing end of a 222-0 score in 1916.

Cedric Benson (9 carries, 176 yards, 5 touchdowns) opened the scoring 13 seconds into the contest with a 57 yard scamper down the left sideline, and the quarter ended with a pair of deep touchdown strikes to Devin Hester (5 receptions, 223 yards, 5 receiving touchdowns) for 82 and 41 yards. For good measure, he returned two punts for touchdowns just over a minute into the second quarter. Hester's four punt returns, all for touchdowns, averaged 60 yards and equal the NFL record for a season for anyone not named Devin Hester.

"There's not much more you can say about that. Nine touchdowns is a pretty good day's work," said coach Joe McDonald.

Detroit coach Mike Martz, who had instructed punter Micah Knorr to kick it out of bounds, grew visibly more frustrated with each successive punt. "*&#@! Knorr! *&#@! %&*-@#!" he elaborated during his post-game conference while repeatedly fracturing both hands and his glasses on the podium before blindly misstepping off the platform and tumbling into the crowd of laughing media.

While the Lions amassed 643 yards of offense, 514 of those came on kickoff returns following the Bears' 30 touchdowns. On the other hand, the Bears compiled 1,086 yards, 29 from kick returns.

While quarterback Rex Grossman (18-22, 13 TDs, 644 yards) cruised to another perfect quarterback rating, spreading the wealth among seven different receivers, Detroit's tandem of Jon Kitna and Chris Simms each garnered ratings of 0.0. Among the pair's 55 pass attempts, more than twice as many were intercepted by Bears (17) as were caught by their own teammates (8). In particular, Detroit's Roy Williams caught 5 balls for 96 yards, while cornerback Nathan Vasher stole 5 passes for 141 yards and 3 touchdowns. A reporter's joking question to Martz about trading for Vasher resulted in a hailstorm of spit, microphone wires, loose debris, and Martz' hat.

The interception total, as well as the 275 interception return yards and seven touchdowns, set NFL records. All of the touchdowns came in the second half. Detroit also lost two fumbles for good measure.

In the closing seconds of the third quarter, Knorr gave the Lions a moment in the sun (so to speak, within the dome of Ford Field) by punting out of bounds at the Bears' 1-yard line. To that point Chicago's offense and defense had scored three touchdowns apiece in the quarter.

"Couldn't let 'em tie us," Grossman smirked, promptly hooking up with Rashied Davis on a record-setting 99-yard bomb as time expired. Martz, who'd sent a full blitz hoping to put some points on the board with a safety, actually attempted to tackle the wide-open Davis in a fit of madness. Before he could reach Davis, the cords on his headphones snapped his head back, sending him flailing like a Charlie Brown field goal try. His post-game neck brace made for a handy projectile when reminded of the moment.

By the fourth quarter, the listless Lions engaged in sheer masochism. Abandoning the running game entirely caused the clock to slow down, enabling the Monsters of the Midway to tally 92 points in setting another record, including six touchdowns during one jaw-dropping 76 second stretch.

Perhaps sensing a chance at infamy as the clock expired, Simms lobbed a wounded duck into the arms of the Bears' Lance Briggs at the 40-yard line, then watched him lumber in and out of tackles to score the touchdown that surpassed Georgia Tech's mark. No trace of Simms could be found for questioning after the contest, a note which drew a brief, manically sinister smile on Martz's face before acting as if he didn't know Simms' whereabouts.

Even on this day, the Lions weren't completely swept, mustering a tie in the key stat of time of possession, giving McDonald some pause.

"Improvement has always been our goal. Room for improvement is what keeps this job exciting."

If that's true, Martz might be in the market for less exciting work, like kicking the walls of coal mines.