Friday, August 9, 2013

A-Rod Also Fails Driving, Eye, Math Tests

Within days of Major League Baseball's announcement of a historic 211-game suspension for 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez, similar punishments were handed out by other governing bodies due to cheating and obstruction.

Rodriguez was cited for illegal use of performance-enhancing drugs, as well as obstruction of baseball's investigation into the Biogenesis lab which serviced several major leaguers.

The National Optometrist Association, in its investigation, obtained witness and forensic evidence that Rodriguez had memorized the eye chart during annual exams prior to the doctor entering the room, dating back to 2001.

"It's a shame," said Rodriguez's optometrist Fuzzy Peepers. "His natural vision was elite. He had no reason to feel insecure about his chances of passing the test."

The association issued Rodriguez a 211-day ban from having his eyes tested, contact lenses replaced, or buying more stylish frames.

The State of Florida revoked Rodriguez's drivers license Monday, after video surveillance caught him copying his written exam answers from a nearby applicant, and bribing a homeless man to take the driving portion of the test for him by wearing a false name tag. During the investigation Rodriguez denied that it had been his idea for the man to wear the name tag.

In a controversial move, the state also forbade Rodriguez from carpooling, golf carts, roller coasters and riding lawn mowers during his 211-day sentence.

The National Council of Mathematics reduced the notorious former slugger to a grade of zero after uncovering math test cheat sheets used as early as 1982. Despite the player's denials, the handwriting from the sheets was determined to be a match with the phrase "by the way teachr i did not cheat on this test" scrawled below his name on the exam.

NCM decreed that, should Rodriguez resume baseball activities, he will be prohibited from compiling statistics, wearing a uniform number, or looking at the scoreboard for 211 games.

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