Crucial Conversations

This is the corporate buzz word for talking about problems in relationships, face-to-face with the other person involved.

For the most part I enjoy conflict about as much as anyone, which is to say a little bit less than sticking my hands into a paper shredder. But life comes along in waves as usual, and this week there were three of them.

Sometimes in these conversations one person has more authority. That was me on two of the three occasions.

The first was the most challenging. I anticipated that the other person would make excuses, and denials, which is what happened. Ten years ago when I was a new supervisor, I got sucked right in to a whirlpool of counter-defensiveness that let the subject wander off track. The most dejecting thing about that is the inherent selfishness of that reaction, trying to convince the other person that they're wrong. But there is almost always an underlying cause that we have in common, which should be the focus. At one point, while recapping a previous talk between us, she disagreed and said that her actual words had been so-and-so. Without belaboring the point, I just looked her in the eye and said "I recall it differently." And we moved on. Having come in prepared with an action plan that could help us both in the long run, I stuck to that. And it seemed to me that her tension eased, even lightened, by the time we got through it. I like to think it's because nothing I had said had been self-interest. Ultimately, it had been in her/our interest.

The second face-to-face was more spontaneous (though far from completely spontaneous - in cases like this it's a blessing that my normal reaction to stress is to react analytically rather than emotionally at first). A couple of disappointing results had grown out of misinterpreted statements. It led to my being put on the spot in front of a roomful of people, asked to commit to a personal disruption in my work/life balance. I let it simmer for a day (this is usually when the anger sets in, and fortunately, gives me time to diffuse it). I pulled him aside and asked with a perplexed smile on my face, "What the heck was going on with..." I explained my recollection of our previous conversations from my point of view, what I'd meant, what I'd heard. He explained his point of view. We were both sorry for it having reached the results that it had, and apologized. The next day, he came back up to me, and thanked me for having been honest with him. In turn, I shared my hope that my words hadn't come across as righteous the previous day, and admitting to my own misunderstandings along the way.

The third was similar, but in this case I was the one who had misinterpreted some statements. Also, I'd been questioning my own performance in frustrated fashion. So I asked the other person if we could talk for a few minutes. I began submissively, by offering to change or end the relationship if that's what she wanted. She responded pretty emphatically that she was completely satisfied with the way things were going, grateful for my work, sorry for any misunderstanding. Encouraged, I went on to explain several comments and actions that had raised the confusion, and other aspects of general communication in our relationship that seemed to be holding us back. We figured out some minor adjustments that could help. And the rest of the week has been fabulous as I've followed those suggestions.

There was actually a fourth case where I was more of a peer with the other. A certain work request had been made of our team to "review" something for accuracy. As happens sometimes, that work had started to evolve into "owning" something, which is a whole different story and level of commitment beyond the original. Was the person being underhanded? No, although I could certainly have decided to take that pessimistic view. Instead, I assumed that the person hadn't realized how big the task was getting. There were a couple of different ways I could've addressed it, but in this case I simply wrote him a short note: "The project seems to be getting complex enough to cross from reviewing the  work to developing/owning it." No implication, no frustration, no suggestion. In turn, he responded generously, and the issue was solved.

To put it clinically (and remembering vaguely from a book entitled "Crucial Conversations" that I read several years ago), there are techniques that probably work well when relationships are on the line over a contentious topic, incident, or trail of them. But I'd say that the key in all four of these talks was the way that I'd behaved well before they happened.

How full is our bank account of trust at this point?

Have I acted selfishly, with ego (win-lose thinking, for those who just can't get enough of hoary buzzwords)? With irrational anger and fear, or with optimism and strength? Have I taken a genuine interest in the other person? Have I decided to like him, and have I pointed out to him over time all the little reasons that I do? Shown appreciation?

I wish that big, attractive muscles just appeared by sitting on the couch, but they require a process. I've come to believe that healthy relationships do too.