I'm Okay, You're Not Okay

"If you resist your initial inclination to get defensive you may be surprised at what happens. instead of, 'Why are you treating me like this?' try saying instead, 'You seem to be having a rough day.' Rather than, 'I didn't do anything, don't talk to me like that,' say, 'This seems to have upset you.' Don't take possession of his problem. It's his problem, not yours." - David Lieberman

The action of at least considering that the problem could be with the other person is a pillar of self-esteem. There's a line crossed into pompousness out there, but if I allowed myself to be drawn into a sense of guilt, anger or failure every time someone ratcheted up the drama level I'd be a basket case. Life is good; we're good; we're strong; that's the lens I'd like to see the world through.

Would You Please Read This Post Because Of The Lesson It Contains?

"A social experiment involved someone attempting to cut in line in front of people using a copying machine. 'Excuse me, may I use the Xerox copy machine?' A little over half the people agreed. The fascinating thing is that she found she could get almost everyone to comply when they changed the phrasing of the request to: 'Excuse me, may I use the Xerox machine because I have to make copies?' The reason was nonsensical. Of course you need a copying machine in order to make copies. So why does it work so effectively? Because the word because triggers an unconscious acceptance that a valid explanation will follow. We hear something and we have almost a Pavlovian response to accept it. Whether the sentence makes sense or not, we assume it does and, therefore, we don't bother to process the explanation." - David Lieberman

Name Calling

"A study done by Ross and Samuels (1993) found that the name given to a game has greater influence on the level of competitiveness that the individuals' personalities. They found that when participants played a game they believed to be called Wall Street they were much more competitive than their counterparts playing the same game, believing it was called Community Game. This is so fascinating because something as seemingly minor as the name of the game can override the members' personalities." - David Lieberman

How do we speak about this day, this happening or this person? Is it cloudy or is it warm? Is it challenge or opportunity? Is she stubborn or passionate? The names we choose to call things define our happiness.

Another Reason To Love Thy Enemy

"A common enemy brings opposing sides together faster than any other type of group cohesion technique." - David Lieberman

So why have marriage counselors not caught on to this? "Sorry guys, I was so sure hug therapy was going to do the trick for you. You know what the real problem is? Little Jimmy. Think about it, the crying, the spilled milk, the skinned knees. Who invited him anyway? It's time to bring him down. You can DO this!"

Or peace talks:

Flarfanian leader: "We may return your hostages, but we shall NEVER cede the river bank!"

United Fiefdom leader: "The hostages would rather perish than live without the river bank!"

(tense staring, then eye darting, followed by uncomfortable shuffling of feet)

Flarfanian: "Those Krankizites sure have lots of river bank and plunderable villages, don't they?"

United Fiefdom: "Our armies will crush them into the dust of history!"

Beside Yourself With Success

"Effective leadership means thinking in terms of the other person. You can motivate any action in anyone if you appeal to her desired, her needs, and her wants. But before you do, bear in mind that people do not care what you know until they know that you care." - David Lieberman

Cold War Negotiations Should Have Tried Wrestling

"Numerous studies overwhelmingly concur that there is no easier way to snap anyone out of a mode of thinking than to get him to move his body." - David Lieberman

I Love You. Now Read This Post.

"It's been clearly established, through numerous studies, that you need to appeal to a person's emotions in your attempt to persuade. No matter how rational and logical your argument is, if you do not arouse emotions you will have great difficulty influencing him. Ninety percent of the decisions we make are based on emotion. We then use logic to justify our actions. If you appeal to someone on a strictly logical basis, you will have little chance of persuading him." - David Lieberman

As a numbers guy, I agree. Over reliance on logic comes easily to those blessed with it, and can derail the well-meaning ambitions of those who do. In my line of work, the personal needs of customers rule the day.

Suppose that a customer wishes to open an account, but is $100 short of the $30,000 limit required by the company. The customer pleas for an exception. Should it be granted?

Logicman: "No. Everyone must be treated equally. If we let $100 'exception' happen here, then doesn't that effectively reduce the limit to $29,900? When an exception is made because of being 'just barely' under the limit, there's no way to define 'just barely.' It becomes a logical slippery slope that eventually reduces the limit to zero."

Emotionman: "No. If we make an exception for this customer just because he happened to ask, how is that fair to the customer who obediently followed the rule? When we give special treatment to customers who push us, we are encouraging more of that type of behavior in our customer relationships in a way that just seems unhealthy. I can understand giving an exception if we made a mistake that hurt the customer in some way. What I can't get comfortable with is oiling the squeaky wheel. I feel like fairness means protecting all customers, rather than 'this' customer."

Which one did you buy?

Foot In The Door

People who have agreed to a small request are more likely to comply later with a larger request.

"Freedman and Fraser (1966) asked home owners if they would let them place a huge DRIVE CAREFULLY sign in their front yards. Only 17 percent gave permission. Other residents, however, were first approached with a smaller request. They were asked to put up a three-inch BE A SAFE DRIVER window sign. Nearly all immediately agreed. When approached a few weeks later the home owners were asked to place the gigantic sign on their front lawn. This same group overwhelmingly agreed - 76 percent consented - to having the unsightly sign in their front yards."

The Snuggie

"You must create an element of uncertainty or you will lose the passion that drives the relationship." - David Lieberman

Snuggies are the parachute pants of 2009. Who couldn't love a blanket with sleeves? Seems like it should have been invented much earlier in the sequence of history, somewhere in between the cotton gin and tweed sport jackets.

Dena expressed interest in one offhandedly for some time, but I figured the fad had died down and I'd seen them in clearance displays for the last time.

After a full day of work I stopped off at Kroger to fetch some de-icer for her car, which took a sick day thanks to a nasty case of frozen doors. Since I also loaded up with some groceries and avoid using a cart at all costs, my arms were full when my gaze fell smack onto a single, lonely Snuggie box on display! It confuses me why they have photos of beautiful models wearing these things, since they hang like fat suits off of people and the marketing wizards could save a whole lot of money by just throwing it on some cab driver. The leopard-print design can't be helping.

When I got home I announced that Santa had brought an early Christmas present home. Dena asked if she needed to come up and I pondered a second before saying that I'd bring it down. And wouldn't you know it, as I walked down the stairs hiding the present I came upon the sight of Dena absolutely bundled to the hilt! Sweatshirt. Blankets. Boots, even. Seems she was in a mortal battle with the furnace, refusing to give in and turn up the thermostat all day long. So when I slipped into my most professional announcer voice and said "If you think you're warm NOW, just imagine how warm you would be in a SNUGGIE!" she burst out in gleeful laughter that would have shamed a roomful of clowns. At least until she put it on and they realized they were better dressed.

I Feel So Embarrassed

The other day I tried to bring some humor to a unit meeting, printing off a top ten list from the internet that looked pretty good... until I got to number 6. "Top Ten Things Not To Say At A Funeral" was just too much gallows humor for this particular hour. Which brings me to some wise counsel...

"If you did something incredibly inappropriate or stupid, do not try to defend your behavior. There's only one thing that will work: the phrase, 'I feel so embarrassed.' Why? Because this one phrase accomplishes three very important things. First, it shows what you did was acceptable - which means that you're unlikely to do it again. Second, it shows that you're human. Third, it shows complete honesty - and who doesn't want to deal with an honest person?" - David Lieberman

Well, an honest person who cracks jokes at a funeral, for one... but I digress.

Being Present

"Numerous studies conclude that the more you interact with someone, the more he or she will like you."

"Studies conclude that if he started out not liking you and gradually came around to liking you, he will eventually like you more than if he had liked you right from he beginning."

- David Lieberman

When I changed jobs I was thrust into some projects which were basically attempting to resolve long-standing conflicts. Those conflicts remain, but I imagine that what has drawn the most success is not the end product, but the respect around it. E-mail debates may solve things technically, but do little personally. Personal interaction, with genuine listening and validation of the nuggets of truth on all sides, builds productive teams.

Not To Mention Right After A Sneeze

"We feel good when we give, when we love, and when we help." - David Lieberman