Today there's a stand-up comedy contest going on. From Mitch Hedberg:
"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled to death by a really weak guy. All day."
"Pringles was supposed to be a tennis ball company, but on the day the balls were supposed to arrive a truck showed up and it was potatoes. So they said 'To heck with it, cut 'em up.'"
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