Overcoming Perceptions

Someone asked me if I'd read any books on overcoming perceptions.

One book I'm reading but haven't blogged from yet actually has a chapter called "How to Stop a Rumor before Your Reputation Pays a Price," with three concrete suggestions:

1. If you know who is responsible for the rumors, go to that person and explain that you're aware what he/she is doing.

2. You want to humanize yourself. Let the person know that there is a real person behind the rumors.

3. Instead of trying to deny, defend, or minimize the rumor, which can make you appear more guilty, simply spread a more outrageous rumor that overshadows that one, but incorporates it as well.

That last one is about putting some humor around the situation, which occasionally has its place but I can't say I've used it much, if ever. Other, personal thoughts:

1. It is practically impossible to force people to change (and what means there are, are mostly illegal). What we can control is our attitude, and how we respond to the perception.

2. Is the perception really worth my attention or not? The book "Anger Kills" by Redford and Virginia Williams suggests that we reason with ourselves first. Is the perception truly interfering with my path to happiness such that the best use of my time is to address the perception, rather than taking another route? What's the difference if someone thinks I drive too slowly? A lot, if it's the owner of the NASCAR team I drive for. Otherwise, we can probably blow it off.

3. Actions speak louder than words, and facts louder than generalities. So if I must talk about the subject, I'm presenting specific actions that contradict the perception. But first I'd like to try to learn the actions that cause the perception.

4. Humility helps. My interest must be in the greater good - the team's - whichever team includes us all. That's what I love about Abraham Lincoln's approach to the slavery issue. He freely admitted his distaste for it, but he put the Union ahead of his preferences - openly saying that he'd rather that we be all slave or all free, since a "house divided against itself cannot stand." When your motivation is compassion toward something other than yourself, and in fact toward something that benefits the other person, what could put the conversation more at ease? "What types of things might I stop doing or start doing in order to eliminate that perception?" "I see. I didn't realize that people saw it that way. Thanks for helping me understand."

5. As people open up with me about the actions that are causing the perception, I may learn something shocking about myself that I want to change immediately. At the other extreme, I might find that we will always disagree since our values are different. At that point I'll try to respect your position. I may even learn that I simply don't fit the current environment because my values are out of step with the culture, and the best way for me to help the team is to clear out so that someone can step in who will! Can you help me find another place so that we're both better off?

6. At the end, I may still be unclear what I'm doing to cause the perception, unwilling to change my values, and/or unable to change my situation. Except that I actually have changed my situation, however slightly, by making a humble attempt to examine myself with others, showing respect for their situation. If I've learned anything about my actions, they will probably be modified, however slightly, such that I don't accidentally inflame the relationship. And I can always count my blessings, rather than my curses!