Normal, IL - When Joe McDonald was approached by his good friend of many years to write a letter of recommendation for her application to a Master's program in child psychology, he could hardly contain his excitement.
"It was a perfect way to do something worthwhile," he said. "I love creative writing, and since these things are confidential there's no risk to me. Even if Candy found out, she's one of the sweetest people there is, so I'm sure she'd shrug it off with a good-natured laugh."
The opening line "To Whom It May Disturb:" set the tone for an instant classic.
"I've known Candy for seven years, and am relieved at the chance to testify as to her behavior during this time, as she schemes to unleash herself into the world of vulnerable and permanently impressionable innocent young children."
Graphic details followed concerning fictitious, skin-pimplingly cruel incidents involving infants left under her supervision, a stint delivering Meals on Wheels to elderly shut-ins, and a nest of baby rabbits she stumbled upon during a midnight walk through the woods.
The recommendation template called for assessment of her sincerity to enter the profession.
"I have no doubt that she will relentlessly pursue her mission. Her attention to detail, her uncanny ability to assess and memorize weaknesses for maximum effect, and her passion to be with the defenseless comes up in most every conversation with her."
"She has manic devotion to staying in dominant physical condition. We call her the Trim Reaper, at least behind closed doors," it continued.
Asked to write what obstacles she might face in entering the career, McDonald noted "Many have been tried, but none have succeeded. We were really hopeful about the silver bullets, but no."
"Whatever you do in reviewing her application, you would be wise NOT to include an interview, even a phone interview," before sharing five multi-page stories about almost supernatural powers of persuasion leading to macabre results such as the unsolved disappearance of the mayor in 2007 with some gruesome facts not previously released to the media.
Regarding any additional relevant comments to aid the committee's decision, he entreated the reader to "Please call me at any hour of the day or night if you are becoming remotely close to considering her for acceptance."
Candy was notified of her acceptance into Illinois State University's program on Thursday afternoon. In the meantime, she will continue her day job with State Farm Insurance's Public Affairs department and its "Read to a Child While No One's Around" program.
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