Chicago Bulls' star point guard Derrick Rose, the #1 overall draft pick a few years ago whose knees have ruptured three times in the last three years, endured more hardship at his mansion Wednesday evening when a black cat tipped an iPhone charger into his whirlpool and induced a series of eleven consecutive Biblical-grade seizures via electrocution.
Rose, the victim of a limousine crash while en route to the hospital after his latest meniscus tear, was diplomatic and philosophical.
"At this rate, I may not be able to walk to, see, hear, smell or remember my children's graduation," the bachelor said through software that converts his typing into spoken words in a pitch resembling an English woman on fire.
Coach Tom Thibodeau remained optimistic. "Derrick is a key part of what we're trying to do here. If he can be with us in the playoffs, with or without the help of a drool towel, then he makes us better."
Rose's condition was complicated by a clerical error that admitted him to Lord Have Mercy Sinai Medical Center as a surgical amputation patient.
"I can still be the player I was, even with half the arms," Rose typed extremely slowly with his weak hand, squinting badly with the eye that was not obliterated by the meteor that crashed through his bedroom roof.
Twitter response from Chicago fans was swift and derisive.
"You got to look up man! meteors are evrywhere! #droseweak" - mancandy85
"take our money and then u don't play, thats bull" - jfkisntdead
"just give me a million, ill suck but at least ill play" - louthehobo
Rose's replacement in the starting lineup will be Tony Snell, whose hobbies include stock car racing and wrestling cougars.
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