Paging Dr. Web

Okay, time to cash in on that $40 investment in the chiropractor (see "Being a Back Patient") and learn a bit more about his diagnosis of sciatica.

Web MD says:

"Pain Management: Sciatica
Sciatica is a common type of pain affecting the sciatic nerve, a large nerve extending from the lower back down the back of each leg."

I say: "common"... as in, "plenty of time to devise a remedy by now." Good start!

Web MD says:

"What Are the Symptoms of Sciatica?

1. Pain in the rear or leg that is worse when sitting
2. Burning or tingling down the leg
3. Weakness, numbness or difficulty moving the leg or foot
4. A constant pain on one side of the rear
5. A shooting pain that makes it difficult to stand up

Sciatica usually affects only one side of the lower body. Often, the pain extends from the lower back all the way through the back of the thigh and down through the leg. Depending on where the sciatic nerve is affected, the pain may also extend to the foot or toes."

I say: That ain't me! My pain is infrequent and irritating, but not severe and debilitating.

Web MD says:

"For some people, the pain from sciatica can be severe and debilitating. For others, the pain from sciatica might be infrequent and irritating, but has the potential to get worse."

I say: Better keep reading, then...

Web MD says:

"Seek immediate medical attention with any symptoms of progressive lower extremity weakness and/or loss of bladder or bowel control."

I say: Good deal, no lower extremity pain for me and... LOSS OF BLADDER OR BOWEL CONTROL? Suddenly I've the urge to look up 'progressive' in the dictionary, to get a sense of how long I have to stock up on adult diapers.

Web MD says:

"What Causes Sciatica?
Sciatica is caused by irritation of the root(s) of the lower lumbar and lumbosacral spine.

Additional common causes of sciatica include:

1. Lumbar spinal stenosis (narrowing of the spinal canal in the lower back)
Degenerative disc disease (breakdown of discs, which act as cushions between the vertebrae)
2. Spondylolisthesis (a condition in which one vertebra slips forward over another one)"

I say: Quit dumbing it down for me. Do you think I'm in 1st grade?

Web MD says:

"3. Pregnancy"

I say: Please God, let it be spondylolisthesis!

Web MD says:

"Other things that may make your back pain worse include being overweight, not exercising regularly, wearing high heels, or sleeping on a mattress that is too soft."

I say: Fine, it's back to the shoe store for me. Be on the lookout, I'll be the guy in the jogging suit and spotless sneakers on the road back from the mall with a month's supply of Depends dragging in tow.