Jane jokingly suggested that I try a post on married sex, a la Dr. Laura's book. Sure, what the heck. It's Hidden Blog, after all. Plus there's the freedom of not having read the book, giving me the esteemed status of zero credibility. A collection of random thoughts, then:
1. Sex obviously can be defined very objectively, and involves physical intimacy in any case, but the depth of relationship in marriage adds fullness to the experience beyond any few moments that might be lost in the excitement of a new couple. "Experience" seems better suited than "activity" to describe it - a tapestry of touch and words that needn't even necessarily contain a particular climactic moment to flourish. "Activity" might suggest a goal or task. Married sex is softer and gentler than that... more about the journey.
2. As a physical experience, it intensely personal and individual according to our own bodies. Whatever is ideal for me is different from any other person. In some ways the ideal varies by the day or the moment. And the trust of a married couple lends itself to complete honesty around such a vulnerable topic. In what other situations is it so proper to answer the question "What would you like?" Whatever the answer - it's the right one. And the beauty of sex within marriage is that in time we grow in the ability to sense the answer to the question without needing to ask.
3. As an emotional experience, it's one of the ultimate embodiments of what marriage is all about: nourishing the other. Married sex is for the spouse, and not the self (though it's pretty convenient that there's a little personal benefit besides, isn't it?).
4. There's abundant chance for spontaneity within the experience. So is there something wrong if there's less spontaneity in the timing? I first heard the phrase "scheduled sex" as a constructive term when we attended a marriage seminar. Face it: As we get older, we tire more easily and have more responsibilities. There's no guilt in that. Often, more important is the thoughtfulness and energy we bring to it - in other words, quality matters most.
5. Speaking of which, I'm a believer in marriage seminars, or any similar activity that enables a chance to talk about "us." At the office, one of the toughest things to do can be giving a performance review. And marriage attaches itself so much more personally! Whether it's generically labeled "Couples' Night Out" with dinner and conversation, or a two-hour class on "Redefining Romance" at a community college, or an all-day conference at Allstate Arena, there are ample ways to do this. Structured opportunities to improve marriage aren't relegated to last-resort desperation counseling... they're proactive gestures of commitment to each other that deepen understanding in a non-confrontational way. And practice makes perfect!
There you go, Jane!
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