I’m not quite sure how the term “surgeon general” originated. The thought of a rock-jawed, medal-laden, corncob-pipe-chewing, mustachioed mountain-hero of a man barking out medical orders must have been irresistible for some presidential administration years ago. “Just imagine what kind of leadership a guy like that could give the nation through cigarette packaging,” they must have said with breathy excitement.
America has thrived under his guidance ever since, as the cancer-inducing tale of tobacco has been told time and time again, hammering it almost entirely out of mainstream advertising. The Marlboro man has only his grandkids to entertain with stories of the good old days. Joe Camel has been put down.
Yesterday as I was driving home, I heard a commercial about a nearby casino. New, improved slot machines with better chances of winning than ever! The excitement! The fun!
I was inspired by the vision of a new position, which I call Mathematician-in-Chief. “In-Chief” suggests that her position outranks the Surgeon General just like the President serves as our commander-in-chief and outranks a military general. If Abe Lincoln were here, he’d say, “it is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.” For while tobacco is likely to worsen your health, and guaranteed to make you stinkier, it is not always fatal. Prolonged gambling, though, it mathematically certain to make a person poorer. Try it and see! But be alert for the rectangular signs with old-fashioned font soon to be hanging in the off-track betting parlors, bingo halls, and convenience-store lottery counters of this land:
WARNING: The Mathematician-in-Chief has determined that gambling is hazardous to your wealth. If you do this, you will lose money. If you lose money, you will have to steal your cigarettes. This will piss off the Surgeon General. How are you not getting this?
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