Cry-Free Christmas Stuns Family

Christmas is a time of joy and generosity, and these were in abundance in the Goodfield home of Duane and Vermeda Freidinger on Christmas Day. Predictably, the presence of Freidinger's six grown children and their significant others gave rise to sugar- and gift-induced emotional highs. But expectations were shattered when the couple's eleven grandchildren failed to cry for the entire event.

Shrill, powerful wailing has been as much a part of the annual holiday gathering as the pre-meal blessing since grandchildren were first introduced in 1992. Outbursts ranging from a handful of sobs to barrel-lunged tantrums have been fueled by unsatisfactory food, head-vs.-thing collisions, or simple crabby fatigue. Yet as the 1:00 activity stretched into evening hours, the family sensed history in the making.

"I don't know. I just don't wanna cry," said Trevor Heffren, who grew pouty-lipped but kept his composure during a custody dispute over toy-sized trucks with his younger brother Tyler. The youngest Heffren and youngest grandchild may be due much of the credit for the tearless occasion, as his freakishly tank-like strength makes him and his famous grin nearly indestructible.

Surprise contributions came from Darren and Jane's two little ones, who declined to be interviewed. The two siblings steeled themselves through several frustrating moments when the younger one just could not seem to figure out Wii bowling, to the horror of a gallery full of raggedy-nerved computer simulated fans who were repeatedly assaulted by balls that slipped out of hand.

While the new Wii system drew the loudest (and delighted) screams of the event, it notably did not cause any significant injuries despite hours of midair flailing by long-limbed adults near child brains and sharp-edged furniture.

By 9:00, weeplessness was assured as Lane shrugged off a vicious accidental kick of a chair during a Wii match, and Duane and Vermeda each participated lively in bowling and tennis, respectively, without incident. Not even a series of bitter defeats at the hands of his son could incite Troy to tears.

"It wasn't for lack of trying," Duane said resignedly of the absence of bawling. "We had all the right ingredients... snacks conducive to mood swings, kids without enough nap time, nice icy backyard for slipping and falling. It just wasn't meant to be this year, that's all." Freidinger pointed out that the deal may have been sealed by the momentum of week-old fuzzy blanket-wrapped puppies brought into the house by Troy and Dona midway through the afternoon. "Nothing bad seems bad when you've seen puppies."