Mr. Positivity has been scaled back to simply "Mr. Positive," a spokesperson announced Monday afternoon, citing national influences in an emotional press conference.
"America is in the middle of a fantastic diet," said Joe McDonald on behalf of the identity. "Jobs, even those hard-to-lose jobs around the financial sector, are melting away. Assembly lines are spewing fewer cars. Gas prices have been trimmed in half. The stock market's a third leaner than it used to be. It's time for patriotic Americans to shed some of their own."
As expected, Positivity's 40% reduction in syllables was met with skepticism by noted pessimists.
"You can change words all you want, but words don't feed the family," stated that executive who gives speeches that sound like cliche contests.
"Aren't there better things to be doing than worrying about names?" added the neighbor who buys fully loaded new cars every few years.
"I don't see how dumbing things down dignifies the cause," mused the English professor who never gives A's.
"What a friggin' waste of life," spat that gym teacher who got off on yelling all the time.
Despite the naysayers, the news was overwhelmingly hailed on both sides of the Congressional aisle and across branches of government.
"Short names are genius," boasted senator Chris Dodd (D - Connecticut). "They're easier to remember for hard-working middle class Americans."
"Cutting names is like cutting taxes... a simple solution that helps everyone," gushed Ron Paul (R - Texas).
"The nation is ready for a message of change, even change for change's sake," said Robert Gibbs, future White House press secretary speaking on behalf of Barack Obama's less than fully-formed administration. "This meets that criteria."
"Switching from a noun to an adjective is a gutsy move," remarked Mike Bess, governor of the Arkansas district of Optimist International. "If we had half the confidence of Mr. Positive, we'd have done it long ago."
McDonald was quick to celebrate the past. "Positivity has a real place in the world. What would it mean for the 'Now Discover Your Strengths' test to claim that my top-ranked strength was 'Positive'? Unintelligible gobbledy-gook. 'Mr. Positive' reaches the next level, a typist-friendly leap forward for the human race."
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