New Species Of Mammal Discovered In Central Illinois

Scientists on Saturday announced the discovery of a new category of mammalian creatures in Normal, Illinois.

DNA composition tests indicated that the species tentatively named "Combatus schizophrenius" would reach a maximum height of four feet, though no specimens were found older than 8 years of age. Studies involving piles of delicate stuff revealed superb land speed, leaping and climbing ability, and stamina. They have opposable thumbs, displaying marginal dexterity, strategic thinking, learning capacity and concentration when placed in front of video game consoles.

"Their sustenance is what sets them apart from their human biological cousins," said associate anthropologist Lacey Eye. "Their diet classifies them as a scavenging breed - sugars, apples, fast food and the like. Socially, their survival depends upon manufacturing conflict. When in pairs, their happiness is a zero-sum game. Occasionally they co-exist in a neutral state while transfixed by Disney programming. Otherwise, theirs is a continuously shifting balance of domination, with one feasting merrily upon the others' distress. The compulsion to choose the path of greatest resistance is insatiable. For example, both may want McDonald's food, but if one verbalizes the desire then the other must choose spaghetti. If one is sitting contentedly upon an uncle's shoulders, the other must spank her. If one expresses a desire to play a game of Asteroid, the other will vote for another game. If left unobserved, they either physically attack each other or emit cries of pain as if so. Unfortunately, we were without the technology to verify the reality there."

The researchers looked weary and relieved during the press conference, sharing gallows humor with reporters in indicating that Combatus is not native to Normal, but dwells primarily in rural areas and had been returned to the wild.