On the heels of a scandalous affair, the Normal Community High School basketball teams were moved by federal authorities into its witness protection program Wednesday evening.
The chain of events began Tuesday night, when the wife of one of the coaches stumbled upon a ring of identity thieves intent on sharing confidential player information and selling team secrets on the black market. Investigators worked into the morning hours to discover that the well-connected profiteers were the local arm of the infamous racketeering conspiracy headed by crime boss Hart Slater. The notoriously violent cartel's track record of brutal retaliation justified the conservative and extraordinary measure.
"We'd rather be too careful than too lax," said recently renamed school administrator Pookie Carmichael. "These are societal monsters. They've snatched children. Buried people alive. Even described basketball players who never started a game as 'bench players.' It sickens to think what would have happened if this operation hadn't been discovered."
"It's definitely unusual for us to have to provide cover for 300 students, siblings, parents, coaches, spouses and their children," admitted FBI special agent Faith Harvey. "Coming up with that many names for secret identities is just a bear. But the American public demands that athletes receive privilege."
Players' reactions were mixed.
"If there's guys lookin to mess me up out there, I'll do what it takes, change names or whatever," said forward Rex Jones.
"It sucks," said point guard Bozo McPhee.
"This is like the safest city in the state," complained bench player Osama Ben Lofton. "Let me take my chances with the killers. It can't be worse than this."
The move had some early adverse consequences, as several players declared a boycott an any assignments requiring them to sign their name.
Assistant coach Joe McDonald opted out of the program, transferring to nearby Newton County High School (NCHS) to assistant coach the sophomore boys basketball team.
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