Inability To Logic Dooms Ex-Pitcher

Fox Sports broadcaster Ron Darling succumbed to street crime Sunday evening.

Long time co-workers such as baseball television analyst Joe Buck were stunned at news of the fatal assault. Following the San Francisco Giants' 4-0 victory in Arlington, Texas over the hometown Rangers to take a commanding 3-1 World Series lead, Buck and Darling engaged in a heated off-air exchange.

"I can’t stand the phrase 'missing bats' as applied to pitchers," Buck explained. "You know, like 'That Tim Lincecum, he really misses a lot of bats out there.' That implies that the pitcher knows the precise plane upon which the bat will be swung, and can throw his pitch accordingly to miss it - that the batter has no say in the matter. It’s just another cutesy stupid term someone came up with that no one ever questioned. Please never use this term."

Reportedly Darling, a former World Series winning pitcher himself, defended the cliche with a flurry of emotion and gestures disconnected from the actual meaning of the expression. Shortly afterward, realizing that he was short of cash and hungry with the clock approaching midnight, he stormed off to go "find some wallets."

Police arrived on the scene a half hour later as his attackers finished their work.

"He was smart enough to know where muggers congregated in the alleys," Buck wondered aloud. "But he must have thought that he could simply reach into their pockets and grab the wallets, with no resistance. Would a monkey even have done that?"

Fox released a statement today announcing simple logic tests to be incorporated into their personnel procedures effective immediately. Later this afternoon, ex-catcher Tim McCarver resigned his position in the booth.